Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

Another year ends, Another year of absolute fucking No forward movement, somehow i am both less angry and more angry and the way my life is.. More people have fucked me over this year than usual and yet this has been a better year than the last two, while i can see positive things moving forward, i am still under a cloud of fucking darkness and i Feel that i still need to be ready and armed for war constantly..I don't see anything except pain around me but I have things that have affected my vision differently thru all the fucking strife, one is the fact that I am not the only person i care about having to deal with a similar struggle, which is fucking bullshit. the other is the fact any time i go down in pain or by the betrayal of another, I emerge Brighter, Hotter and Angrier like the Phoenix and I usually burn away any parts of my past that no longer suit me or are needed, I've made some mistakes over the past year including trusting someone i shouldn't because she was o

Regardless of who or what I am or am not, It is disheartening to know that I am not the only one hurting this time of year and I wish i could so much more to be fucking supportive, Our lives and decisions are our own, but i wish the fates and the circumstances were different so that things would work out better and the innocents affected by all of this wouldn't have such a difficult time, while I may have moved past the long night of anger and depression most of the time it still simmers and i can see traces of that in another person's eyes because the wound for her is so much fresher, I've learned to live with it, like a scar that will never fucking go away.... but she shouldn't have to and it's frustrating to see it.... this isn't the way the world is supposed to work, one day i will meet my maker, I will be brining ammunition and I will be asking questions... and he will be brought to task for the answers... history should not even remotely repeat itself, and

Sometimes it not about anything but the people around you on the holidays, this is the first time in years i am actually enjoying myself over the holidays and it is because there is a missing piece of the puzzle here, but there are more pieces of the puzzle that are missing that should be here...I am less sad than i have any right to be but there is a lot of things that still need to be fixed but the healing has started and next year, it should be interesting, i am hoping it doesn't take that time for for the little meeting of the minds... because that needs to happen as soon as possible because that's the one thing that's awesome. there will be some serious surprises, soon. there is still a lot left to be resolved and some of the uncertain pain is still evident but it is one day at a time and today went a long way towards feeling some of the healing. I know that there are two awesome people in the world as long as even if i can be in there life even on the fringe edges th

Another year, Another missing part of soul, But it's over with for another year..I'm happy but there is a huge part of my life that is missing right now, and i am Sad. i have SuperHero's and transformers and nice things at home hiding in a closet that should have been under a tree, and it's frustrating that i don't have that opportunity, I keep trying to decide whether or not i should just leave something at the door like i have in years past but i can't fight the darkness and apathy provided so i will just continue to have the things hidden away and be terribly sad, This isn't the way things should be but it is the way things are, so even tho i am frustrated and hurting i am enjoying myself this christmas, and I hoping to next year have him playing with his cousin's and eating plant's again... god i miss him terribly this time of year and it hurt's like hell. At least i am surrounded by family and people i care about and that's exactly where

Yup, it's that time of year again, the pain is dulled this year as i have managed to keep both mind and soul distracted, but i am still very tempted to go into niagara and drop off a gift or three under the door if for nothing else so he has them, but i can see the end of the battle coming, this will be the last time i spend the holiday's without him, i Have people around me to feel my blessings and I will spend time with them even tho he is never very far from my heart currently... there is darkness this holiday around us and not just me, but it's also a year for celebration as thing's have improved... I am finally feeling comfortable in my new place and i will be very happy when i can get him their to check out his new room, some decisions of the past year are becoming easily forgot... I am looking forward to the holiday tomorrow for the first time in a few years even if i still miss my little boy..Santa claus will come, there will be gift's for you under the tree

As time passes, things change everyday But wounds, wounds heal But scars still remain the same But tomorrow today's gone down in flames Throw the match, set the past up ablaze Another day, Another battle... But this time I was getting the Upper hand by merely doing things I'm supposed and having the facts prepared and letting them destroy themselves with their own words. merry Christmas Nicholas, for the first time since this ordeal began I do believe that Vindication is in sight.. when i get a lawyer backtracking on her own bullshit words because they know i have them boxed into a corner, the more i can do to prove the man I am the better i am and then fucking know it... this will be the last Christmas without Him, and that's not just a promise that's an absolute eventuality... it's time to deal with all of this and end this.. I will be setting a date the next time and making sure that this is the end, I am enjoying the holiday season so far even tho there is

But I'd have flipped every mattress, every rock and desert cactus Own a collection of maps and followed my kids to the edge of the atlas Someone ever moved them from me? That you coulda bet your asses If I had to come down the chimney dressed as Santa, kidnap them Another year, another meaningless holiday, i am going thru the motions But i just want this year to be over so i can move forward... regardless of being around anyone, it's still a hollow holiday without the one little person that truly matters.. but he's not such a little person anymore, and it fucking sucks and bites hard that i am planning another year where he is not by my side, hopefully this is the last one... I am to the fucking point where It should be and as long as i can move forward and get him home will, I'm not about to give up or give in.. ever. I love you little man, santa will come agian this year lots of suprises when you get home, I promise. A whole Closet full. Current Mood: Sad. Ne

Today no matter what else is a happy day, Ten years old. No matter anything else in this world has happened or that will happen, ten years ago I became a dad, and that is my greatest achievement...anything else I do in this world you are the the greatest achievement i have ever done or will ever do, I know it' still confusing and another year of broken promises, but i am fighting every battle i can to change things and get them back to where they should be, you have a nice new big room and two of your favorite things are nearby... there are things put aside for you here and they will wait for you... I just miss you so goddamn much... Happy tenth birthday son, I love you. Current Mood: Sad. When we're together or when we're apart, you're first in my thoughts and first in my heart.

I'm not having a great time in my life right now, I can't feel much except darkness because everything in my life turned to shit and my little boy's things have been stolen, it's not the fact that i can replace them, it's the fact that i have been dealing with this insanity for over three years and i feel so fucking powerless.. there's not much i can do except hold the thorns in my hands that i have been dealt and turn them into a fist... that's exactly who I am, the survivor, the warrior, The war, the battle,the anger, the rage, the Fist, the Armageddon, Never the Victim, Never pretending to be one... i Know exactly who I am, You can't fucking destroy a wall that will stand after the fire... and I've been burning since the day i was born...but it's not about me... it's about making a better world for those that come after me, the important ones... there's only one reason I fight even when I'm falling apart... that's the only thin

Demons run when a good man goes to war Night will fall and drown the sun When a good man goes to war Friendship dies and true love lies Night will fall and the dark will rise When a good man goes to war Demons run, but count the cost The battle's won, but the child is lost Everything In my life is replaceable save one person, It just hurts and bites that around the time of the holidays not only do i not have my little man standing beside me but some of his belongings that have been saved and put away from him that i have worked hard to get for him are missing and possibly stolen by some selfish and ignorant individuals, I am turning mean and I am turning dark, I am considering everything but right now i need to concentrate on the future and not what's behind me.. it's time to focus on the approaching battle and deal with that matter at hand, It's better than trying to deal with things i have no control over, If i'm going to be angry let's be angry at

I am still fucking Angry, There are things Missing that should not be and a lack of a warranted response make's me think that this was planned and It is very confusing to see that someone I helped would do this to me, and take things i was saving for myself and my little boy, But then agian that's what selfish and vindictive people are like... I can be one too.. then agian i can seek retribution in several diffrent ways, my last month has been hell because of someone else's actions and decisions...if someone else want's to be mean and vindictive and a fucking theif i can sit there and stew and be very fucking angry, and go after you just has hard.. and i'm the forgotten man, right now I have nothing to lose... But you, you have so very fucking much to lose.. and the fact is i can contact your worse enemy and be a witness for him or for the people i cannot stand for one bit in this world and do so much damage to your personal life... but that would be the chess playi

I am fucking pissed off, I have moved agian and getting settled in and it's fucking annoying that a lot of my belongings, mostly of the electronic kind are missing.. i wonder how much of this was a direct plan to deal things that belonged to me and my child...I don't know the next step other than to be extremely fucking angry... I did nothing wrong and I have been ripped off for a number of fucking belongings...some of which cannot fucking be replaced... I tried to be nice and play nice and I have been stolen from? it was one thing when it was just my last months rent, but when I am going thru my belonging's and a number of things are missing it's a fucking piss off... and I will get if someone has fucking stolen from me. I have things that I can use and i will not sit here being a fucking victim If you are planning to fucking steal from me.. theft by omission is still fucking theft, and it is specific item's not just things that are meaningless.... I am losing my