Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

Losing a good freind really fucking hurts... The fact that I have known you so long and that there was never any drama between us. Only the good die young and brother I don't care about your personal shit, you were always good to me... You'll be fucking missed. I'll be pouring one out for you tommorow. Current mood: Sad.

Not all people are obsessed with love in their life, some are just are obsessed to need a villain because they want to be a Hero. I am done with people and mind games. My world is much more peaceful with those and only those I want in my fucking life. I am no longer tolerating bullshit anud games in my life. I am too old and have lived too long to play childish fucking games with people who remain broken in my fucking backstory. I'm not going to have my mind fucked with when I have other priorities in my life. I am not looking back. The time for that has passed. I have To do what is right for me in my mind and what is going to keep my mental health sane. I'm done fighting and I am happy,  I will fight for what I have now, instead of memories and a fucking nostalgia tour of what ifs and what could have been. I was left out in the trash and discarded like a fucking toy, and every time I scraped myself back up you tried to destroy me and what I held dearest to me, y

The problem with trying to be the bad guy, there's always someone worse . I am going insane with all this forced isolation, it's fucking pathetic that I was better suited to prison than I am to self isolating and social distancing in this crap. I do live my life a quarter mile at a time and its fucking frustrating when I have to dial that back to nothing because something's wrong in the world. The  worst part is i do have serious fucking concerns in and out of my life that are in my head almost every  second of my life and I feel powerless to stop them. The world is going to hell sadly I'm actually prepared for it and can handle It. Isolation ain't a big fucking deal to me I can handle that fucking part. I just expect a lot of my freindships and relationships to be on a different level when this thing is said and done. I'm re-evaluating everything and I'm not sure what the next step is, I was happy, I was peaceful I was at peace with my place in

Happy easter son, there is a gift here just like every other year for you. I miss you more than anything and I hope someday soon it isn't complicated. It sucks that it has been so long... But underneath it all. You are missed that's all that's important. I hope you had a good holiday.

Not all people are obsessed with love in their life, some are just are obsessed to need a villain because they want to be a Hero. I have not forgotten the weekend you took everything away and which holiday it was... That wound was cut deep and has never healed.  It will never heal. I know exactly what was taken away and what can never be reclaimed. There is no forgiveness for that. I would never offer it anyways. I used to know where I stood with you. I used to know where I stood with the world. As long as I stood agianst you, I had something to fight. I will never be with you agian... But I am done fighting with you as well. I need to find peace in my mind and not stay in the same place on this bullshit nostalgia tour. I have things, people I care for, someone else that I love, and I am very aware of what the current moment is... It's just you entering my life and trying to take the little I have left.... I do believe there is doubt, I damn well know there is guilt, b

Do not concern yourself with what I have done; rather tremble at the thought of what I am about to do. I hate having emotions. I wish I could just bottle it up and let it all fade away. I've moved on before and burn bridges. Why can't I now. I have a future that's what I should be Looking towards... Not some history in another place and time.. I know what keeps my rooted in the past, it shouldn't define my daily life right now... I walk away... I don't care.. I am the gasoline that burns the bridge. Why the hell am I conflicted about doing so, I shouldn't be. I should be angry and full of hate.. that's what I am fucking good at. No one wants me to succeed anyways... Long as things are status quo it's good... I don't do status fucking quo... I never have. I don't know how I feel. I have fought for a decade and I have a million emotional responses right now to everything in my life, and then we are in a goodamn worldwide pandemic and

We are done. You don't get to hurt me anymore. You are blocked and I have fucking moved on. You don't get to keep destroying my life. You don't exsist anymore. Things you have said cannot be unsaid.  I'm not living with you're insanity anymore. You ruined me because of you're mental health issues and need for attenion...that's not even the ultimate betrayal. That comes later. ...when our son realizes what you taken from him. But for now... I am fucking done. You're right we are fucking nothing... But I won't be around for you're next fucking nostalgia trip. Far fucking from it. I have goals, I have things left to accomplish.. it's fine to get back to them. I will never be happy with you and there is someone else. So any further communication is useless. Part of me feels really good that I stood my ground with you no matter what it fucking cost me.. and telling you that we were done and to fuck off and that you were gone and bl

It is such a quiet thing, to fall. But far more terrible is to admit it. I don't back down. You've already taken you're pound of flesh. Now it's just another twist of the fucking knife. Its pathetic that I had to lose everything to find myself and to find the backbone to finally stand up to you. You destroyed my life... You have no fucking control. I will never ever lose myself agian to be anything towards you. All these fucking eyes see for you is despair, contempt and anger and hate. You won't cost me the things I have. Not now, not ever agian. That's no longer how it works. A part of me is fucking vindicated by the fact that you are intimidated by my confidence when I'm dealing with you. If it scares you.. so be it bitch. I'm the big bad scary monster.. time to show some fucking teeth and have you stare into the deadlights and show my true form. The world is going to hell and all you fucking want to do is fight me and make me feel fucking horrible.

 The world is filled with heroes and wannabes, so let me just play the villain. You destroyed me, and hearing in you're voice that you have doubts about that fact.  The fact that it's basically confirmed that someone has hurt him and you blamed me and destroyed me and my family just to further you're fucking agenda to tear me out of his fucking life... That's fucking  unforgivable bitch.  When and I I find out who you are hiding in your back pages... It'll be dealt with, the scary fucking part it's probaly someone you didn't even about except for the point that at that point you were fucking him.... That's the part that keeps me awake me.at night... I have no answers.. only questions and when I find out that you have ruined me to protect you're own interests over my son.... You're fucking agenda... I spent 4 fucking months in a box because I wanted to protect you.. I've lost everything that defined me to protect our son. But non

You can figure out what the villain fears by his choice of weapons. I got no fucking problem playing the villian. Being a convict in my own mind ain't nothing new to me... I fucking grew up institutional bitch. You're threats are meaningless. You have nothing I need or want to offer me. I'm happy with my life... More than happy. But if I gotta be the villian so you can justify me as the asshole because I won't even acknowledge you're poison promises? I'm totally fucking cool with that. I no longer care. I'm done fighting. I'm just trying to fucking move on and find myself and where I fit in. One clue, it will never be with you. You throw bombs for entertainment and come in and out of my life like it doesn't matter, you don't care how much effects me and those I love.. only what the fuck you want.  Guess what I'm fucking done. You no longer fucking matter. I have someone else... I'm fighting to keep her. I don't care if y

I don't know who I am. I don't know what I'm... becoming. But I know one thing for sure: you wouldn't like me when I'm angry. I spent four months locked in a cage last year. That's exactly what this fucking social isolation feels like. Prison. I do not like being in a box. It's even worse when the whole world is fucking shut down as a result of this. This is something that hasn't been seen in living memory but has been seen before in recorded history. This shit will change the world. I just hope it doesn't fucking change me too much. I can't see those I love... I can't see anyone. ....and then the other shoe drops and I am being tortured by an emotional child who has full control and power over my child. I don't want this... Any of this. I have someone else... I'm fucking happy. I'm me agian... I'm sick of the daggers in my back. You betrayed me... Over and over and over agian... You betrayed me.... No More. I

I destroy things. It's in my nature. I'm not begging anyone to be part of my life or stay in it. It's not worth the battles and the fight I have to put up with to care anymore. The world is going to hell... And I dont think that's going to change any fucking time soon so I'm revaluating every relationship and freindship. You gotta look out for yourself and those that you are closest to. I'm going stir crazy with this self isolated shit and I'm playing games with my head. For fucks sakes just over a year ago I was still locked in a cage. That's still playing with my mind and I'm always looking over my shoulder expecting  it to happen agian. I'm not begging anyone to stay a part of my life if they don't want to be there. I'm so far beyond that it's not even a reality for me to care. If I want and need you in my life that should be enough... But I'm done fighting for people to stay there. I hate the world. I can deal with isola