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Pestilence....

The problem with trying to be the bad guy, there's always someone worse.

I am going insane with all this forced isolation, it's fucking pathetic that I was better suited to prison than I am to self isolating and social distancing in this crap. I do live my life a quarter mile at a time and its fucking frustrating when I have to dial that back to nothing because something's wrong in the world. The  worst part is i do have serious fucking concerns in and out of my life that are in my head almost every  second of my life and I feel powerless to stop them. The world is going to hell sadly I'm actually prepared for it and can handle It.

Isolation ain't a big fucking deal to me I can handle that fucking part. I just expect a lot of my freindships and relationships to be on a different level when this thing is said and done. I'm re-evaluating everything and I'm not sure what the next step is, I was happy, I was peaceful I was at peace with my place in life and now the entire world in chaos, I just want to watch it burn but for the first time in a long time I don't want to burn alongside with it. That both makes me happy inside and frustrates me. I dont like not knowing the next step. I fucking hate and despise the whole idea of nothingness in my life. It really shows how little I have in my life when I'm trying here as hard as I can and all I fucking have to show for it is a lifetime of pain and regret. The sad reality is I am but a moment from being homeless and hungry and it takes nothing, absolutely nothing to revert to that. I'm not afraid of losing the little I have left, that's not the fear .. it's the fact that something external like this goddamn plague will make it impossible to come back from it and I will not be able to dance in the fire and rise from the ashes agian. 

Mentally I think I'm at the worst with the depression than I have ever been and that's not all just in my head. There are fucking external factors. I just want the world to go back to normal. I just want to be normal... It's never going to happen. The reality is when the world comes back from this.... there will be a new normal. Nothing will ever be the same. That terrifies me not for myself, I've had a good life I've lived. The next generation hasn't. They shouldn't have to live in fear. And it fucking sucks that I can't be closer to protect those nearest to me in my heart. I know where I stand. Alone, agianst the world. As usual. Status Quo. 

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