Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

I have earned my right to be fucking angry. The things I've endured in my life and the people I have to deal with just to survive? My life sucks and then this fucking pandemic hits? I'm sick of people in my life that don't have my back or my interests in mind. As long as I can do something for them, so yeah, I'm frustrated. I am angry, but you haven't seen what my true anger is. Only a few fucking have. I'm at peace for the most part with that beast inside me, but most are not deserving of my true anger... So they will never ever fucking see it, that's reserved for blood, that's reserved for those that matter. I am angry and I am bitter and most that have come and gone in my life fail to understand that. But I've been damned since I was eight years old, my life was always going to be hardship. I was always going to be damaged. I was damaged even then, look at my left leg. I deal with constant pain every day, but yeah, I'm just fucking angry.

I will never be someone's second choice. You choose him... You played me like a fucking fool and choose him. I'm so fucking done. You played with my heart and my emotions and made me think there was something there. There isn't. I'm not going to crucify myself for someone who isn't 100 percent there in my life... These coffin nails in my hands bleed for no one that truly doesn't have my side... You either love me or you fucking don't. I got my answer. I'm fine with it. But it'll take a lot for me to forgive, sometimes it's just easier to fucking forget. It's ok I'm used to it. Every one goes.. no one stays. I don't give a damn anymore. The only person that I can trust to have my back is me. That's how it is. That's always how it is.  I'd rather be alone and know it than have someone pretend that I'm the only one when I am clearly fucking not. I'll learn to deal with it.  The world is in flames and I have bigg

You're so goddamn frail Failing for a change You just had to know all about the world But you will never know ...and it did cost me my relationship. Whatever. I have options. She's not the only one out there and maybe I know who my soulmate is after all... Even tho that way is damaged and broken and I don't want to look back. There is a third party involved who means everything to me. So yeah... The last year was fun and she fucking loved me when no one else didn't. But it's done and it's time to make some choices for me and my family.  There's only one person In that equation that truly fucking matters down there anyways. But this is a shitty fucking way to go out. I am so fucking done with relationships now. If I can't be happy in them what the fuck is the point. I am no one ones second choice... I refuse to be I'd rather be fucking alone. I am fine alone, I've always been. At least now I can speak my mind and not have someone

I do not want this fucking virus to cost me my relationship... And right now it feels like that is exactly what is fucking happening... Emotionally maybe I need to pull back a little and create some boundaries with people but I don't want to lose the one person in my life that truly makes me happy after lifetimes of misery. I just want her to realize that. It fucking sucks that the black plague has returned and is destroying everything. I don't want the epitaph on this relationship to be the fucking coronavirus... I can fuck things up on my own just fine. I don't need this added stress of loving someone in a plague being the thing that tears us apart.

She mistook me for...someone else. She loved him...and I believe that he loved her long ago before...all of this. Foolishly, he chose duty above all and died for it. I did things in this lifetime and it all turned to shit.... No wonder I am old and bitter. The wine no longer tastes sweet. It's bitter and dust in my hands. The youth that was sacrificed for the greater good? What did I get from it? A lifetime of pain? When the sum of all of my parts is laid bare, what will my epitaph be and why will I not care? I am not growing older. I am colder. Those that have one sided relationships with me where I am only there when they need to be there to listen or to be a helping hand... Are about to fucking realize that there is no one there anymore. I'm done caring.  I am done with anyone that treats me as a disposable part of their fucking lives. I don't need that shit and I refuse to acknowledge it as part of my life anymore.

I am constantly reevualting everything and everyone in and out of my life and the decisions and choices I have fucking made, I know who I am and where I stand but it gets clearer and clearer every fucking day who has my back and who simply has need of me, there is a difference.... In the wreckage of my life I see clearer more than ever.... And when the dust and ashes amongst the ruins start to clear... I truly see who fucking cares and who has an agenda. I'm done with those with agendas. I'md done with a lot of falsehoods in my life, the world is on fucking fire.... I'm done with caring for those who treat me like a commodity. I stand for myself and if I stand alone, so fucking be it. I'll still be standing. Same as it ever was. Nothing changes. Just the names and faces of the people that pass through my life do... If you doing that, do exactly that pass through. I'm already working on the next step. I've got no time left in this life for those who don'

This has been the strangest year of my life and given the fact that my life has never been fucking normal that says a lot. I am confused and have no idea where the fuck I am heading.. a year ago I knew exactly what I wanted In life and exactly what my fucking goals were. Now I feel like the fucking hamster on the goddamn wheel just spinning in circles not going anywhere. There's nothing to look forward to and there is definitely nothing to look back into the past for. I don't live there anyways. Sooner than later this pandemic will be over and maybe I can go back to what passes for a normal life... But I will wonder who will be left behind In the wreckage... Because when I have nothing... The people that care and the people that do not, burn brightly in the fire. It's easy to see who is on the level and who just gives lip service to the fact that they are part of my life. If I can disappear and not affect you're life tomorrow, that tells me all that I fucki

I have been been for all intents and purposes been trapped inside for the last part of the last 5 months. Locked inside and locked inside my head. It's a dangerous fucking place to be. I am fucking questioning everything I say and do in my life... Because I am sitting at home and doing fucking nothing... A docile boring me is a bad me. I need to be outside. I need to be doing things. The one place you don't want me is sitting at home and brooding. And that's all I have been doing for fucking months.. so if you notice mood swings and anger, think about all the self isolation forced on me in my adolescent years and wonder why I am having trouble dealing right now.... Then be one of the distractions I'm pissed off at currently... I hold things a long fucking time inside. There are always going to be perceived and actual slights that I have every reason to hold a grudge for in normal fucking times... These aren't normal times. This is a new black plague.. and we have

If you love me you love me for who and what I am, all the damaged and broken pieces along with the good. I know I am flawed and broken and that will never change. I will never change. That's the reality, you love me as I am or not at all. I'm  going to be the individual I have always been and love the same way i  Always have, but I don't change for people. I don't change for myself... As much as I would like to dearly for those i do truly love certain ways and emotions in my head are not going to change, the same goes for behaviors and actions. I know I'm broken, I know I'm flawed, I know I have a damaged backstory, I am who I am because of those things not in spite of, and I am fucking legendary.   But I am not going to change my actions and behaviors to be a perfect person for anyone.. I can't. It's too tied to my core beliefs about being independent and my own person that I can't. There have been times in my life I have not been allowed to be

16 years ago today I found out I was a father... It has been the toughest job I have ever had, the biggest war I have ever fought to be in his life... And the best moments of my life. I don't regret ant of the time spent with him and I am proud of the man he's becoming..... I miss you like crazy, and maybe one day that will change.. but for now it is what it is... But I have many regrets in my life. Being you're Dad is and has never been one of them. I love you kid. I'll always be here when you need me, that I promise.  Current Mood: Sad Current Music: Deus in Absentia, Ghost. But I'd have flipped every mattress, every rock and desert cactus Own a collection of maps and followed my kids to the edge of the atlas Someone ever moved them from me?