I have been been for all intents and purposes been trapped inside for the last part of the last 5 months. Locked inside and locked inside my head. It's a dangerous fucking place to be. I am fucking questioning everything I say and do in my life... Because I am sitting at home and doing fucking nothing... A docile boring me is a bad me. I need to be outside. I need to be doing things. The one place you don't want me is sitting at home and brooding. And that's all I have been doing for fucking months.. so if you notice mood swings and anger, think about all the self isolation forced on me in my adolescent years and wonder why I am having trouble dealing right now.... Then be one of the distractions I'm pissed off at currently... I hold things a long fucking time inside. There are always going to be perceived and actual slights that I have every reason to hold a grudge for in normal fucking times... These aren't normal times. This is a new black plague.. and we haven't even hit the worst of it.. and it is probably fucking the end of days... But let's alienate each other. That's fucking cool. I see with new eyes while going blind. True colours are as clear as day.
Anyone that thinks or claims I'm fucking needy can fuck right off. I'm being pulled in a million directions and trying to do the right thing as I understand it... If you truly knew my life you'd understand u budgeting to have groceries in the house is an everyday struggle for me... I don't prioritize the right things sometimes because I'm used to be able to fucking survive... I've been doing it for over 2 fucking decades... I'm used to survival not comfortable... That's where I'm most comfortable.. is living and surviving by my wits. Taking a step back is hell. I need to be outside. Let me out.
I need to be with the one person that I am not with right now... And this virus is making that impossible and frustrating. I am torn into a million pieces because I don't know where things are headed... This shit hasn't happened in a century and not on a scale like this since the black ages.... I don't know where things are headed but I do know I am trying to hold onto the things I have....
..and worry about the one thing I don't. That's never far from my mind either.
I'm just getting fed up with a lot of things in my life that were already broken status quo before the fucking virus and have gotten even worse since. Its going to come to a fucking reckoning one day and some people won't like my answers....
Current Music: Ghost, Square Hammer.
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