Isolated II: End Of Days

I have been been for all intents and purposes been trapped inside for the last part of the last 5 months. Locked inside and locked inside my head. It's a dangerous fucking place to be. I am fucking questioning everything I say and do in my life... Because I am sitting at home and doing fucking nothing... A docile boring me is a bad me. I need to be outside. I need to be doing things. The one place you don't want me is sitting at home and brooding. And that's all I have been doing for fucking months.. so if you notice mood swings and anger, think about all the self isolation forced on me in my adolescent years and wonder why I am having trouble dealing right now.... Then be one of the distractions I'm pissed off at currently... I hold things a long fucking time inside. There are always going to be perceived and actual slights that I have every reason to hold a grudge for in normal fucking times... These aren't normal times. This is a new black plague.. and we haven't even hit the worst of it.. and it is probably fucking the end of days... But let's alienate each other. That's fucking cool. I see with new eyes while going blind. True colours are as clear as day.

Anyone that thinks or claims I'm fucking needy can fuck right off. I'm being pulled in a million directions and trying to do the right thing as I understand it... If you truly knew my life you'd understand u budgeting to have groceries in the house is an everyday struggle for me... I don't prioritize the right things sometimes because I'm used to be able to fucking survive... I've been doing it for over 2 fucking decades... I'm used to survival not comfortable... That's where I'm most comfortable.. is living and surviving by my wits. Taking a step back is hell. I need to be outside. Let me out.

I need to be with the one person that I am not with right now... And this virus is making that impossible and frustrating. I am torn into a million pieces because I don't know where things are headed... This shit hasn't happened in a century and not on a scale like this since the black ages.... I don't know where things are headed but I do know I am trying to hold onto the things I have....

..and worry about the one thing I don't. That's never far from my mind either.

I'm just getting fed up with a lot of things in my life that were already broken status quo before the fucking virus and have gotten even worse since. Its going to come to a fucking reckoning one day and some people won't like my answers....

Current Music: Ghost, Square Hammer.

Comments

The Laugh Track.

I want you in my life. Don't ever fucking confuse that for needing you in my life. Those two things are mutually exclusive to each other. I'm fine with my life and it's not my freind's and my social life that I'm jealous of. We both made our choices. My life has always been an insane carnival. You were merely an extended chapter. But if you think I'm going to sit at home being sad and depressed and shutting down because your not in my life. Your delusional. Then agian we already know this. If my life is going to be a sad comedy then I'll make it a metal massacre. I'm not sitting around waiting for anyone. The least of all you. I sacrificed enough time on the altar of what might have been. I'm just enjoying the time that we have left. This way if it go out, it's on my own terms. I always told you that my funeral pyre will be a blaze of glory.. I just never told you when. Now I'm gonna live and have adventures. Remain jealous. You know how ...

Bad Man.

I am not a good man, I tell people straight out that I’m not a good person. I know I’m toxic. But I embrace being the villain and being the bad guy. Being feared is better than being loved because at least that way you respect me. When it comes to someone I care about and have a responsibility to, I will always choose them over others fucking bullshit and drama. This isn’t a choice. This is my life. Period. I live it every damn day. I’m not Making any other choices. I will always choose those that I care about over people that are merely in orbit in my life and if you give me a reason to fucking doubt you? I will give u a reason to fucking fear me. I’m just fed up, my world doesn’t need complications. My peace and my piece of mind doesn’t need complications. I have enough of those I struggle against in my personal life. This is the end game, and the end times. I deserve to be fucking happy. No one is getting in the fucking way of that. Period.

Return To The Abyss.

If anyone thinks they can take advantage of me and the people I care about, they are sadly mistaken. I walk away from people I love because of their bullshit. Someone who is merely there in my life? Yeah, I’m fucking out. I don’t need emotional vampires that suck me dry in my life. I will walk away from anything and everything at this point. I no longer give a damn about anything other than myself when it comes to your opinion. This decision and many others have been a long fucking time coming and to be honest I’m better off doing my own thing alone and solo. Because it’s better off for all involved. There’s still a temper and there is still the old me hidden underneath this attempt at seeking peace. I’m not a nice guy, I’ve never claimed to be a nice guy. And I’m not keeping my fucking mouth shut. No one fucking uses me, Period. And thats all I’ve felt I’ve been over the last few years. By a number of people in my professional life and my personal life. So maybe at this mom...

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