I have earned my right to be fucking angry. The things I've endured in my life and the people I have to deal with just to survive? My life sucks and then this fucking pandemic hits? I'm sick of people in my life that don't have my back or my interests in mind. As long as I can do something for them, so yeah, I'm frustrated. I am angry, but you haven't seen what my true anger is. Only a few fucking have. I'm at peace for the most part with that beast inside me, but most are not deserving of my true anger... So they will never ever fucking see it, that's reserved for blood, that's reserved for those that matter.
I am angry and I am bitter and most that have come and gone in my life fail to understand that. But I've been damned since I was eight years old, my life was always going to be hardship. I was always going to be damaged. I was damaged even then, look at my left leg. I deal with constant pain every day, but yeah, I'm just fucking angry.
If you had lost as much as I have or even had the emotions to comprehend you'd be angry too.
I can't imagine why I'm angry when there is abuse all around me and manipulations, I am a warrior and fighter trying to find peace but when all that I am surrounded by is other peoples miseries due to their life choices not mine, yeah, one tends to get a little fucking pissed off. I have a temper there is no denying that. I am angry. But I make the best in a world that has shut me out and never giving me a fucking chance, no wonder I'm angry and I'm bitter...
... Wouldn't you be?
I'm sick of negative people in my life that think they are they be all and end all in my fucking life. I'm better without them, and soon I will be. You want to blame the pandemic? You want to blame long standing problems about respect go the fuck ahead. I just need to be alone and without people rather than being treated like shit by anyone. I've played this game before. I'll be playing it agian.
But I can go alone, it's probably better and safer at some point that I do decide to say fuck you all and just find a hole in the wall and start over... Because if I can't find peace with those that say they supposedly love me that are/were currently in my life. They can be gone.
Everyone goes. It's expected.
Maybe this time it's time for me to go instead, without a heart, without emotions, without feelings. I'm sick of being treated like trash by those that supposedly have my back.
Right...
The only person that ever truly has my back is me... It's getting real fucking apparent. That's ok tho. I can fucking live with that. I don't need anyone to fucking define me. Not friends, not so called family, not anyone.
I'm sick of people in general. I'm sick of the world in general. This shitstorm of my life has to eventually stop. Maybe I should be the one stopping it.
It's not like I haven't disappeared before, it's not like I have to give notice to let a bunch of people that I no longer give two shits about the courtesy to know that I'm going.
Maybe it's just time to go.
I'm sick of feeling the prisoner in my own life and watching people come and go, no one stays, eventually I get sick of them and there shit and the way they all effect me and I move on.
That's what I should be doing now, exploring options. Running away. Starting over. Whatever the hell u wanna call it, but doing it alone.
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