Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

I don't know how to feel right now. I am fine on my own path and always being here when I'm wanted and/or fucking needed. But I don't feel anything else from when you decide to entertain yourself for an hour. I made things clear and I guess one day you'll come around but for the moment I have to focus on who I am. That's the current path and decision. I make my decisions for me,    not for you, not anymore. I have my own path to follow. Some days it includes you, other days it doesn't. I just have to decide the one day I want it to involve you completely but you have to fucking earn it first...  ...and we aren't there yet. I shouldn't feel sad or have to try this fucking hard to have you in my life. You either are or you aren't. I'm getting back to a fucking place where I'm fine either way. My life doesn't change anyways. I'll still love you... and want you... but I'm good at walking away. As you pointed out I've made a lifeti

livid, adj. Fuck You for cheating on me. Fuck you for reducing it to the word cheating. As if this were a card game, and you sneaked a look at my hand. Who came up with the term cheating, anyway? A cheater, I imagine. Someone who thought liar was too harsh. Someone who thought devastation was too emotional. The same person who thought, oops, she'd gotten caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Fuck you. This isn't about slipping yourself an extra twenty dollars of Monopoly money. These are our lives. You went and broke our lives. You are so much worse than a cheater. You killed something. And you killed it when its back was turned. ― David Levithan, The Lover's Dictionary I choose to love you, even when I fucking hate you. That's my problem, that's my curse. You can turn it on and off. I can't. Not in the same way. There's a thin line between love and hate and it's dripping red. There's too much blood in both our ledgers for our bond to truly be gone

I expect to lose you and be so angry and bitter that I find out about it on the news. Or worse my child. That's the anger you keep bringing into my life with you're actions. An anger I can never act upon. It's not my way, it never has been. But there is a history here. And we will drift to a point where you don't exist to me agian. There is no fight anymore. The war is over it's done. He's an adult. You are simply no longer part of that equation. Except for the control you have over him. One day he will wake up. One day he will have questions. One day I'll answer. I just hope it's not too late. My worst fears all manifest inside you and have for the last 22 years. You keep proving me right with you're actions. I want peace in my mind but I don't believe you will ever let me truly have it. I think you will always rope me in and break me till one day I no longer answer the damn phone. The worst betrayal isn't even recent. It's just somethin

It betrayed Isildur to his death. And some things that should not have been forgotten were lost. I chose wrong. You destroyed my last real relationship and I hurt that girl because I was still in love with you, even tho she was there and in love with me when no one even wanted to know my fucking name.    I am terribly sorry I hurt that girl no matter the feelings I have for you. She will never let me apologize and I have no intentions to. I don't look back. I made the decision to persue you to my own doom. That choice has been made. I'm not looking back. And truth be told she isn't even missed. But neither are you, in my mind anyways. My heart says another story. But I am fucking done waiting, I am done hurting everytime you want to rub it in my face. One day you will see my worth and it will be far too fucking late.   I'm not disposable and I refuse to let anyone treat me like that. Not a girlfriend. Not the love of my life. No one. I am fucking done with you. I may ta

What happens to us without the war? Maybe we mistook the love we still have for each other for the rage that we still have... there's no question that whatever the fuck we are it's passionate, but I pretended to hate you for so long that once again you give me serious reason to, I'm having trouble finding the way... all that remains is buitterness and hollow inside. I have nothing. That's what you have given me. And now I am hollow and empty with nothing left to give to you, the is my mountain, this is my palace... it's crumbling..... But I'm used to it... this is status quo, standing operating practice, I get a little ahead and fate or you stomp me down... I can't be controlled so something happens and I lose everything agian,  And you wonder why I'm hyper-vigilant? I can't and won't live in you're fairy tale world because you constantly fucking betray me anyways... and it's better off just to have a thick fucking skin and expect it.   

I'm hurting, and it's from the same old betrayal and games you always play. It's hard to move on when there is nothing left and you are the only thing I want at the end. But we aren't even close to the end. You're just a maybe in my life right and that pain and hollowness in my soul is a burning constant of what once was... You come back when you need a moment of that, I live in that. The emotion is always here and it's always real. It does not go away. It never has it never will. I just hurt. You make shitty choices and always expect me to be there to catch you without giving me any fucking reason to... for now, I'll be there. But one day I won't be... for whatever reason. It's hard being you're rock and having your back when I know you don't fucking have mine.  I don't even understand why exactly I should have you're back... you've always stuck the knife in mine. But I'm always here, my loyalty remains... there's more to

  Is that what happens to us? A life of conflict with no time for friends so that when it's done, only our enemies leave roses? The fact that I’m always going to be there and always going to care enough to be there to be concerned when you crack the door open a little doesn’t mean I’m going to be a doormat or be there just because you need a protector. It’ll happen anyways that’s my nature. But you don’t need me, not the way you think you do... and the fact you are always the one unwilling to make that next step is exactly why I will walk away every time, I have my own life, I have my own things going on... I don’t need to be you’re distraction... esp on a weekend or a week when all I am is depressed about decisions you made for the both of... decisions that fucking broke us. We haven’t been the same since because you didn’t trust me to do the right thing.... because you didn’t know what I was doing that week regardless.  I will always be there and there is no anger and there is no

He remembers enough of his life to weep for what he has lost. You left me, you betrayed me... constantly, I have nothing to apologize for and I have no reason to constantly look back, but I do anyways.... every time it fell apart it was you're actions not mine... you can always justify that I'm the bad guy and I'll even let you let me play the villain.... but you know in you're hart that's wrong. It's always been wrong. Ever since this started. You made you're decision and almost broke me then, I know what I was buying on the weekend nineteen years ago. That fact has not escaped me at all. I know what all three of us lost over the years due to you're decision. There was a time in my life that you were the most important thing in my life. I thought a while ago we might have been getting back to that... now, I'm just waiting for you to return and for the nostalgia tour to resume... because that's all it is.... ... I do mean something to you, and yo

Fourteen years ago I left Niagara for a second time. I left you for a second time when I should have tried to ask you to be my wife. All because I was fucking angry. I'm still angry and I'm still in love with you and I've regretted every second in Hamilton since. At least in Thorold I was at peace and we weren't completely at war with each other all the time. I do regret leaving the region completely, you being able to come be in my arms at any moment instead of a phone call might have been a game changer instead of being a what if, another lost moment. Our lives have been full of them. One day I may have to make a choice, with or without you, and I'd like that to be a choice to come home.... unless we are going somewhere together... but I don't think I could Toronto without you... nor would I want to. But you're there, he's there. Niagara is home. I never should have left. I shouldn't have ran when it was more of    a challenge to stay... ...but I&#

  I ain’t got time for anyone to be in my life that isn’t 100% ride or fucking die, even you... you might be there at the end but you’re not there now. I’m done waiting. Everyone eventually goes and I remain, right fucking here. But I am to a point in my life where standing still is no longer a fucking option. I have things to do. I have plans. I’m not going to wait just to be broken by you’re bullshit Again. I am good at one fucking thing, moving on. I’ve done it my entire life. I’m working you and all the other bad influences out of my life a little bit every day. I know the good things in my life that I had and the things and people I still have. I don’t have anything to regret and absolutely nothing at this point to ever answer for. This is where I stand. This is who I am. I will always be the same fucking person. You were right about that. I don’t change. I just get old and more stubborn. It’s not just about you, I watch the days pass and I notice that it’s the same fucking patter