I expect to lose you and be so angry and bitter that I find out about it on the news. Or worse my child. That's the anger you keep bringing into my life with you're actions. An anger I can never act upon. It's not my way, it never has been. But there is a history here. And we will drift to a point where you don't exist to me agian. There is no fight anymore. The war is over it's done. He's an adult. You are simply no longer part of that equation. Except for the control you have over him. One day he will wake up. One day he will have questions. One day I'll answer.
I just hope it's not too late. My worst fears all manifest inside you and have for the last 22 years. You keep proving me right with you're actions.
I want peace in my mind but I don't believe you will ever let me truly have it. I think you will always rope me in and break me till one day I no longer answer the damn phone.
The worst betrayal isn't even recent. It's just something in you're mind. You actually think I would have chosen that burning dumpster fire of a human being that hasn't been part of my sexual life since I was 19 over you.... that's you're biggest fucking delusion and you're biggest fucking betrayal. It can't be about the girl I was actually with a few years and the relationship you destroyed.... it has to be about something you've had in you're mind since the day we fucking met. That's you're delusion not mine. I'm always going to be standing right fucking here.
Even if I have to spend the rest of my life alone as a result... when given a choice, I will always choose you. Even if it hurts. That's my curse.
One day you will break my heart completely agian, or worse... it's happened before, when all I could see in my field of vision was red and blood.... I let it keep me from the things that mattered, it was you're actions that created the problem but I let you fucking down when I was there when I should have been so the constant knife thrusts at my back since are some twisted trauma of yours acting out.... one day it will hurt so much I will have had enough and I will walk away and disconnect.
I am destined to be alone... you were the one bright hope to that not be the situation. But the reality is you turned that to darkness long ago and I didn't fucking help when I should have been a man and stepped up to the plate for my family multiple times... I'm trying now... I've been trying for a long time. Doesn't seem to be enough.
One day I'll stop trying. Till then you're stuck with me being in love with you, but just like everything else in my dumpster fire of a life.... I will love you or I will hate you on my own terms.... you can't force either, but I keep feeling like you tricked me to fall back in love with you so you always have a place to land when you need to when the world gets too hard.
You offer me nothing I don't already have in my life, save one thing. I don't need you, I want you. As I said before us actually getting back together would just be a sideways move and right now I have bigger concerns and responsibilities, I won't abandon them...
The most fucked up thing that keeps me awake at night is that I think you are trying to repeat you're actions of twenty years ago and decide what years we are together and you're manipulating that so when you're ready you can come back....
I'm not sure that's my plan anymore. You're promise is still there, it always will be. But how long till that promise is a hollow one and we are just going thru the motions?
You have a lot of fucking balls accusing me of attacking you're home and vehicle.... I haven't been fucking vengeful in twenty fucking years when you've kept the most precious thing away from me for the last 11 years... you think maybe if I had a vengeful bone in my body I'd have done something back then?
I don't live in you're reality. No one does. It's only in you're head. And you're actions and choices only affect you. Not me. Except when you attempt to involve me.
So please cry wolf one more time, send a cop to my door agian. We all know how I want to go out... boom headshot.
I'm not even going to lose any more sleep or worry about you, I have other responsibilities in my life. I have other things that need to be done and finished. Maybe it's time to stop living in the past and move on... he's an adult now he act make his own decisions. He's probably more mature than you or I will ever be. And I'm ok with that. I know that I exist at a certain point and time with you and in you're mind we never left that moment and you will never ever let me leave that moment. No matter how much I want to move on.
It's been 19 years almost to the day since you left me for all the wrong reasons. You're decision, you're behaviours. They haven't changed. We are just older. More washed up and you have less options so you hold onto the one person who has always loved you unconditionally no matter what happens to you....
... what happens when you finally push me away and that love stops?
I still remember the year you were pregnant, the year you were gone. I was myself. I was alone. I didn't want you to come back and I thought our chapter was permanently closed. I was wrong obviously. But it still remains the best year of my life. I was free I was me, no dark influence from you. I should have stayed in Windsor and been a dead beat dad. I would have been better off.
I know exactly what I was buying you this weekend 19 years ago when I was in university. I was going to ask you to marry me. You destroyed that. You can't handle commitment, you never could you never will. You have you're ring again as far as I'm concerned. There will not be a third option given.
This is where we stand, this is the hill I stand on. I won't ever take a step back ever again for you. My life doesn't reach to you, it never has. You have to come to me. I'm sick and tired of coming to you. I'm sick of you lying and betraying me and then pretending like nothing happened. Just because there has been forgiveness in the past doesn't mean I've forgotten a second of our lives and how you've destroyed them... that's not been forgotten. Ever.
You are simply a living emotional vampire and I'm done being you're source of energy. I'm sick of being you're true heart.
You never appreciated me anyways.
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