livid, adj.
Fuck You for cheating on me. Fuck you for reducing it to the word cheating. As if this were a card game, and you sneaked a look at my hand. Who came up with the term cheating, anyway? A cheater, I imagine. Someone who thought liar was too harsh. Someone who thought devastation was too emotional. The same person who thought, oops, she'd gotten caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Fuck you. This isn't about slipping yourself an extra twenty dollars of Monopoly money. These are our lives. You went and broke our lives. You are so much worse than a cheater. You killed something. And you killed it when its back was turned.
―David Levithan, The Lover's Dictionary
I choose to love you, even when I fucking hate you. That's my problem, that's my curse. You can turn it on and off. I can't. Not in the same way. There's a thin line between love and hate and it's dripping red. There's too much blood in both our ledgers for our bond to truly be gone but you know how to set off the worst parts of me.
I internalize it and get intentionally self destructive but at least I admit it, unlike you who just self destructs and then expects me to pick up the prices of her fragile soul... I choose to destroy myself.... I am past life expectancy... I have been for five years.... that's the tragedy of my life... I'm not going anywhere... I'll always be right here. I'll always help you pick up the pieces of yourself even when you shattering me inside.
22 years of this shit, 19 years exactly since it truly fucking ended and you betrayed me in scale that should not have been forgiven. But I did.
There are mornings I wish I don't wake up but I know I have to because I am such a fucking constant in you're life that you will die from a broken heart if I went first. I have to mourn you that's the only way you want it... I've been mourning the death of you're heart for 20 years now... you and I both know exactly what I mean by that... it's why we hurt each other even when we don't want to... but I think sometimes you do want to.
Our son is grown, maybe it's time
You did the same.
You've destroyed everything I ever found special or unique about my self, my career, university, my role as a dad, as long as I had the heart for you I thought I could forgive all of that, I still had hope....
What happens when hope dies.... I don't want to meet that guy... I don't want to be that guy... but he's coming... and if he comes back this time he's staying.
You are my heart, my anger, my reason for living when there is nothing else... but I can do that when I love you and I can do that when I hate you, so my eyes burning red with anger is nothing in comparison.
You're right it was always fucking passion... it always will be.
You like to hurt me and twist the knife... in some weird way you justify it. But, that's alright I'm used to it now. It's expected. I don't ever expect anything but a knife in the back from you... just sometimes I wonder why it took so damn long.
I am not a father, I am not a husband except in you're fairytale mind when you want me to me in you're happy moments. Otherwise I'm expendable and disposable. You get distracted by the shiny and I'm left here with feelings I can never ever shut off and an albatross of a ring around my neck.
There are things that make me me, that are never going to fuckin' change... and you think they are world breakers when to me all they are is trivial. But that's the difference between me and you, where I see a pond of difference, you see an Ocean.
I'm not angry, I am hurt. You think when we are discussing living with someone with addictions that both of us have suffered from... fucks sakes I left my last real girlfriend because she was an alcoholic on the level of you're fucking brother. That you can use it as an excuse to think that I am with a fucking ghost in my past that I haven't had sex with in 27 years. That's you're jealousy. That's the reality of why it stings differently this time. You don't trust me and that's always in the back of you're mind that you think you're inferior to that. Newsflash you're not. She's not the love of my life you are. She's not the one I bought the Damn ring for.
I wish you'd believe me but I also don't have time for nonsense like that high school bullshit, we are almost in our fifties it's not worth it.
My sons 18, you shouldn't exist to me anymore. It's just difficult trying to tell my heart that, but you're actions can make them easier. Just because I'll always be in love with you and I'll always fucking be here for you, doesn't make the fact that I don't always like it any easier.
It never will. I'm used to it tho.
I can't be responsible for things in you're head, esp. the things you transfer onto me because other men have done them. You're always going to blame me. That's the biggest part of loving you, that's my curse.
If you want to forget something or someone, never hate it, or never hate him/her. Everything and everyone that you hate is engraved upon your heart; if you want to let go of something, if you want to forget, you cannot hate.
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