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HomeSick






Fourteen years ago I left Niagara for a second time. I left you for a second time when I should have tried to ask you to be my wife. All because I was fucking angry. I'm still angry and I'm still in love with you and I've regretted every second in Hamilton since. At least in Thorold I was at peace and we weren't completely at war with each other all the time.


I do regret leaving the region completely, you being able to come be in my arms at any moment instead of a phone call might have been a game changer instead of being a what if, another lost moment. Our lives have been full of them.


One day I may have to make a choice, with or without you, and I'd like that to be a choice to come home.... unless we are going somewhere together... but I don't think I could Toronto without you... nor would I want to.


But you're there, he's there. Niagara is home. I never should have left. I shouldn't have ran when it was more of  a challenge to stay...


...but I'm good at running away... always have been.

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