Haunted V: Dead End

I am sick of being you’re emotional support animal, I’m going to live my life and have fun with my friends and family and stop trying to save something you took away almost 20 years ago for a second time. The first time you didn’t even give me a fucking choice. I’m not one to hold grudges but I also want the freedom To go and be elsewhere. I’ve always been the living emotional tie you need in you’re life without any of the fucking benefits.

We are too fucking old for mind games, we are too old to pretend like this is going to go anywhere but a dead end. You have always made that choice and you get fucking jealous of illusions. Once again I’m not even fucking allowed to have friends. That didn’t work out so well for us when we lived together, what makes you think trying to control my friend’s and my emotions and feelings towards Them is going to do for you now?

I won’t care. I don’t care. I’m not always going to be there as much as you want me to be. Because in you’re head I’ll never be what you want. This is the hell you created. And sadly you created it for all fucking three of us.

If you’re supposedly done, be done. Because I got sick of trying years ago when you ruined my last actual relationship. I thought you were more important and that I could save what was left of my family. The reality is I’ve chased a fucking pipe dream for years, and you’re jealous of the nothing that I have.

That’s me, I’ll make glitter out of garbage and always see the better parts of this life. I’m done living for anyone else’s wants or dreams, I thought once upon a time just being here might eventually fix you. But you’ll never open that door and I’m starting to not care enough to kick it open.

I thought there was a certain beauty in waiting but all it has done is postpone the inevitable. You want control and I’ll never willingly hand it over. That’s not how this works, that’s not how this will ever work.

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

Franco Un-American.

I hate everyone. I just pretend I don’t because I’m chasing this false inner peace, thats being constantly eroded by outsiders. I am happy, I was at peace. But I do see my country and more importantly my city for what it’s for and I’m getting angry again. Maybe I do need to be angry. Maybe I do need to rebel. Maybe I do need to speak out despite the fact that it can be used against me and hurt those I love. Nothing fucking new to me. This apathy has gotten me nowhere, this trying to be at peace was working but maybe I need to be angry, maybe I need to rail agianst the things that once were right have now went wrong. This isn’t a world I want my child growing up in, and he’s grown. But this isn’t the world I promised him. This is something else. This city wants to pick a fight with me? Cool, I know what busybody bitch it is. Don’t think I will tolerate any threats to those that I care for or myself. You want to fucking start a war? Maybe it’s time for me to be angry again.

Someone Like You.

I know there are aspects of me, my personality and my life that you still like. It’s why you had my child and no one else’s. But I don’t colour within the lines enough for you to settle down with. That’s been acknowledged for two fucking decades. He’s an adult. I don’t need to answer to anyone anymore in my life. I wasted years fighting you when I should have been fixing you. But those moments are over. All of our moments are over. I don’t even need to be angry. I just need to be. You and I are toxic. I’m better off without you in my life. It’s a little less toxic when I’m the only one on the boat. Only the captain goes down with the ship. I’ve always known i would die alone anyhow. No family, no friend’s, no real accomplishments to my life. I wrote that line almost 30 years ago. Self fulfilling prophecy. At least that way when I implode no one gets hurts. I was a fool to think otherwise. I’ve left too much damage in my path. I just want to be happy and at peace whatev...

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