Wasted Too Much Time.

I don’t know why I keep putting myself thru all this hell. I try and have emotions and look on the light side of things and every fucking time it’s a knife in the back. I am not the best friend or the childhood buddy. I am you’re ex husband and we’ve never really defined the ex part. Just that you’ve cast me away. But you want me on the fringes of your life for some reason. I’m not sure how much longer I’m going to want to be that guy. I don’t like seeing you upset or in pain. It’s easier when I’m not an active participant in your life.

It was always easier. But that’s not what I was trying to be this time. But that time will have an ending. And it’s soon. I can’t feel the way I do every time you want to lash out on me. I’m not worthy of that transference any more. It hurts too much to question everything that you think I am every time you pull this.

I am convinced that it’s not longer me being a good enough person for you anymore… it’s the guilt of you thinking you’re not a good enough person for me… I’m still going to try, that’s my nature. I know deep down you’re a good person you’re just damaged and hurt and you’ve taken that out on me, but I’ll fight to stay in your life and you need that right now.

I’m here. Weather or not you or I like it. I’m always gonna be here. This is the path I’ve chosen, I’m going to stick to it.

Comments

The Laugh Track.

I want you in my life. Don't ever fucking confuse that for needing you in my life. Those two things are mutually exclusive to each other. I'm fine with my life and it's not my freind's and my social life that I'm jealous of. We both made our choices. My life has always been an insane carnival. You were merely an extended chapter. But if you think I'm going to sit at home being sad and depressed and shutting down because your not in my life. Your delusional. Then agian we already know this. If my life is going to be a sad comedy then I'll make it a metal massacre. I'm not sitting around waiting for anyone. The least of all you. I sacrificed enough time on the altar of what might have been. I'm just enjoying the time that we have left. This way if it go out, it's on my own terms. I always told you that my funeral pyre will be a blaze of glory.. I just never told you when. Now I'm gonna live and have adventures. Remain jealous. You know how ...

51.

Happy birthday. Hope you are happy and enjoying yourself. I like that we are civil and communicating but i also think you need to take some introspective time and decide the next step. I want you to be happy whether or not I am a part of your life. And i am trying very hard to be. Today, this weekend. I just want to talk to you, hear you laugh..maybe even see you smile. Thats all i want. For you to enjoy your day and hear happy Birthday from me and my son. Thats all you need..to know you are loved. Happy Birthday Baby. You are always loved. No matter what. Unconditional.

Bad Man.

I am not a good man, I tell people straight out that I’m not a good person. I know I’m toxic. But I embrace being the villain and being the bad guy. Being feared is better than being loved because at least that way you respect me. When it comes to someone I care about and have a responsibility to, I will always choose them over others fucking bullshit and drama. This isn’t a choice. This is my life. Period. I live it every damn day. I’m not Making any other choices. I will always choose those that I care about over people that are merely in orbit in my life and if you give me a reason to fucking doubt you? I will give u a reason to fucking fear me. I’m just fed up, my world doesn’t need complications. My peace and my piece of mind doesn’t need complications. I have enough of those I struggle against in my personal life. This is the end game, and the end times. I deserve to be fucking happy. No one is getting in the fucking way of that. Period.

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