Wasted Too Much Time.

I don’t know why I keep putting myself thru all this hell. I try and have emotions and look on the light side of things and every fucking time it’s a knife in the back. I am not the best friend or the childhood buddy. I am you’re ex husband and we’ve never really defined the ex part. Just that you’ve cast me away. But you want me on the fringes of your life for some reason. I’m not sure how much longer I’m going to want to be that guy. I don’t like seeing you upset or in pain. It’s easier when I’m not an active participant in your life.

It was always easier. But that’s not what I was trying to be this time. But that time will have an ending. And it’s soon. I can’t feel the way I do every time you want to lash out on me. I’m not worthy of that transference any more. It hurts too much to question everything that you think I am every time you pull this.

I am convinced that it’s not longer me being a good enough person for you anymore… it’s the guilt of you thinking you’re not a good enough person for me… I’m still going to try, that’s my nature. I know deep down you’re a good person you’re just damaged and hurt and you’ve taken that out on me, but I’ll fight to stay in your life and you need that right now.

I’m here. Weather or not you or I like it. I’m always gonna be here. This is the path I’ve chosen, I’m going to stick to it.

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

Franco Un-American.

I hate everyone. I just pretend I don’t because I’m chasing this false inner peace, thats being constantly eroded by outsiders. I am happy, I was at peace. But I do see my country and more importantly my city for what it’s for and I’m getting angry again. Maybe I do need to be angry. Maybe I do need to rebel. Maybe I do need to speak out despite the fact that it can be used against me and hurt those I love. Nothing fucking new to me. This apathy has gotten me nowhere, this trying to be at peace was working but maybe I need to be angry, maybe I need to rail agianst the things that once were right have now went wrong. This isn’t a world I want my child growing up in, and he’s grown. But this isn’t the world I promised him. This is something else. This city wants to pick a fight with me? Cool, I know what busybody bitch it is. Don’t think I will tolerate any threats to those that I care for or myself. You want to fucking start a war? Maybe it’s time for me to be angry again.

Someone Like You.

I know there are aspects of me, my personality and my life that you still like. It’s why you had my child and no one else’s. But I don’t colour within the lines enough for you to settle down with. That’s been acknowledged for two fucking decades. He’s an adult. I don’t need to answer to anyone anymore in my life. I wasted years fighting you when I should have been fixing you. But those moments are over. All of our moments are over. I don’t even need to be angry. I just need to be. You and I are toxic. I’m better off without you in my life. It’s a little less toxic when I’m the only one on the boat. Only the captain goes down with the ship. I’ve always known i would die alone anyhow. No family, no friend’s, no real accomplishments to my life. I wrote that line almost 30 years ago. Self fulfilling prophecy. At least that way when I implode no one gets hurts. I was a fool to think otherwise. I’ve left too much damage in my path. I just want to be happy and at peace whatev...

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