Skip to main content

The Road Behind…


I have spent my life never looking back, just going to adventure to adventure. That’s who I am. My life ain’t perfect but it’s mine. There is a moment I should have slowed down and appreciated what was on my table but we weren’t ready yet, maybe one day we will be. But for the moment I’m doing the same old things and living my life with no tommorow.

Honestly I never expected to live this long, so when I can escape my responsibilities for a moment? I’m gonna run to the things I always said that we would do together. Sadly all these concerts and epic adventures I’m doing alone.

That being said I have a crew of friends I see at every show  and I have never really not had one foot in the grave in the Toronto metal scene, which is funny as I haven’t lived there in almost 30 years… I was in the old neighbourhood from 95’ tonight. I felt no attachment.  

I don’t look back. I don’t think you understand how hard it was for me to look back in 2002 when I had accomplished everything I needed to in Niagara except for you, and even more so when you wanted me back in your and his life in 2004, you are the only time I looked back. I move on. I don’t go back to the places that hurt me and broke me. But I’m always willing to go back to you. 

But it’ll always be on my own terms. Till then I’ll live my own life my own fuckin way. I have my people and you have yours. Mine are more solid btw. 

I shouldn’t take the annoyance calls and let your voice affect my heart. Logic says otherwise, and I’m a force of fucking nature. If I decided to end this farce and just move on I would be somewhere else, I already am someone else. I’m not that boy you fell in love with once, and I am defiantly no longer the man that you attempted to destroy. I’ve evolved. Probably past you. But I have hope. I’m not sure why. It’s a killer. 

Patience on the other hand? Not so much. That’s why I just keep doing my own thing and having a spectacular epic fucking time doing it. It’s not always you I wish was beside me at some of these events. 100% tonight I would have wanted my son in the bar. Not you. It wasn’t you’re speed but I think he would have fuckin enjoyed it.

And that’s why I really look back isn’t it? That’s you’re entire hold on me, the relationship I don’t have that you cost me. I’m not angry anymore, but the start stop and hot cold has me being apathetic. 

I don’t look back. Ever. Only for the two of you. Haven’t you realized that yet? 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Father and Son.

I dont know the next step. I don't claim to. I just know I'm working to rebuild a relationship that has been fractured for many years. That includes both of you. I am here. I will always be here, I have always been here that will never change  This weekend was epic and it felt right. I don't know what will happen but i do know that I am at peace with being civil and polite with your mom. It was nice to have a little adventure as a family. It felt right. It what was missing in our lives. Thank you. 
Post a Comment
Read more

The Laugh Track.

  I want you in my life. Don't ever fucking confuse that for needing you in my life. Those two things are mutually exclusive to each other. I'm fine with my life and it's not my freind's and my social life that I'm jealous of. We both made our choices. My life has always been an insane carnival. You were merely an extended chapter. But if you think I'm going to sit at home being sad and depressed and shutting down because your not in my life. Your delusional. Then agian we already know this. If my life is going to be a sad comedy then I'll make it a metal massacre. I'm not sitting around waiting for anyone. The least of all you.  I sacrificed enough time on the altar of what might have been. I'm just enjoying the time that we have left. This way if it go out, it's on my own terms. I always told you that my funeral pyre will be a blaze of glory.. I just never told you when.  Now I'm gonna live and have adventures. Remain jealous. You know how ...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Villian

I've never gave a rats ass about being the bad guy. But I have cared about being a fairweather freind and how I reflect on being a role model to my son. I will walk away from any bad actors or bad relationships that endanger the relationship I am slowly attempting to rebuild.  I know I can be a prick. But when you hurt someone I care about, I do not trust you that you may affect those I care about. I burn bridges with gasoline while I'm standing upon them.  It wont be the first multiple decade freindship ive demolished, it won't be the last. Im starting to reevaluate a lot of drinking buddies agian to see who is actually something and who I just party with. If I'm obviously moving in a direction thats going to have me ghosting someone whose been around for a minute, so be it. It wont even be the first one this year. I dont look back. And I dont care, if I exclude you from my life, thats an ending that's where its done.  I am making choices for my future and its pret...
Post a Comment
Read more