I’ve always preferred being you’re demon, the one you get to blame. That makes it fucking easier for you. Because you’ve always had blinders on to the true poisons in your life. First clue, it has never been me. I just did my best to love you. I still do even with it being complicated.
I’m afraid to engage in other relationships because I know exactly how that will end. We are nothing and I am nothing more than a living emotional crutch for when you think you need me. Friends, no benefits. I think I liked it better when we hated each other. At least back then I knew where we stood. This bullshit detente is something I tired of a long time ago.
I can’t tell if it’s mental health, mind games or some sort of twisted twelve step program so you can have peace. The problem is I simply evolved past you a long fucking time ago. I am at peace. I’ve made amends with every one of my decisions in my life.
Not all of them are good, but I have a good life now. You are still a prisoner to your emotions and your circumstances. Meanwhile I just choose to move past mine if something happens. You are the only blood tie that I ever gave a damn about that keeps in this shitty region of Ontario. I’ve always had options, look at my little vacation early in the month. I went somewhere that should have been home for us both.
That’s the difference, when you went to Windsor you were running away from home as far as you could get for school, when I went to Windsor, I was running away from you, I found myself a new home, you followed me anyways.
I should be a distant memory, one you think of once or twice in pleasure and pain. We shouldn’t be tied to each other till the end, but we are. There won’t be anyone else.
I’m very aware that I’m the monster under your bed, the monster in your bed, the monster in your mind… you’ve always defined us as beauty and the beast… so I’ve accepted my place as the monster in love with you… and acted accordingly, but with honour. That part you could and will never control.
There are rules on the battleground, some you ignored. And more you ignore now that I’ve surrendered and given you the win.
But the one thing I never wanted for either of you to is for either of you to fear me. But at some base level as close as we get, there is still that element. Might as well accept it.
I’d rather be your demon so you have someone to blame, than have you deal with actual issues. You’ve never been good with that. I’m a monster in a fictional reality. But one of us has to live in the real world.
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