No God's, No Masters.

I dont look back for anyone. Not anymore. Not reason to. Theres nothing nostalgic about pain and bad fucking memories. I dont want to go back to anywhere i've been before.

Memories betray. They always have. Its better to live in the fucking moment and have a good time.

I dont care anymore. People can lose me in their lives. I'm disposable. At the end of the day i know where I stand.

I am getting sick of standing in one place in my place and never getting ahead because of others wants and needs. I am trying but I am at the end of my rope.

I cant keep sacrificing for someone who under appreciates it and for others who i barely fucking exist to. I will move on. I will stop caring. I have ghosted others i truly cared for just because I dont tolerate disrespect. If I feel trapped there are two options, fight or run. Right now I'm trying to fight, but every logical moment in my head says the right thing is just to move on.

The sad fucking truth about the matter is I do feel trapped, and its a prison of my own fucking making. My choices, and I would make them agian and agian and the exact same one the last 6 years. This isn't about me. But I remeber who I was, and what i had enough to mourn it. I have a pretty good life now too I just need to solve some long standing issues.

I live with someone who is in a constant state of being miserable and I have to take care of him so I take the moments i can like getting away to concerts and events to get away from the misery that is my every day life, I don't know how much longer that will continue but I'm going to enjoy it while I can. I don't care whose at my side especially ones that have proven they cannot be trusted. I'm always strongest alone and I know who my real freinds are. Its why I never ask most of them for anything. Because its not needed. I get to do enough because I have good people that understand my situation. There rest, they can go screw. I ain't looking back.

I live free, I live on my own. My life and my choices are my own, no one is dragging me down unless I allow them to.

Comments

Father and Son.

I dont know the next step. I don't claim to. I just know I'm working to rebuild a relationship that has been fractured for many years. That includes both of you. I am here. I will always be here, I have always been here that will never change This weekend was epic and it felt right. I don't know what will happen but i do know that I am at peace with being civil and polite with your mom. It was nice to have a little adventure as a family. It felt right. It what was missing in our lives. Thank you.

The Laugh Track.

I want you in my life. Don't ever fucking confuse that for needing you in my life. Those two things are mutually exclusive to each other. I'm fine with my life and it's not my freind's and my social life that I'm jealous of. We both made our choices. My life has always been an insane carnival. You were merely an extended chapter. But if you think I'm going to sit at home being sad and depressed and shutting down because your not in my life. Your delusional. Then agian we already know this. If my life is going to be a sad comedy then I'll make it a metal massacre. I'm not sitting around waiting for anyone. The least of all you. I sacrificed enough time on the altar of what might have been. I'm just enjoying the time that we have left. This way if it go out, it's on my own terms. I always told you that my funeral pyre will be a blaze of glory.. I just never told you when. Now I'm gonna live and have adventures. Remain jealous. You know how ...

The Trees.

I am really bothered by someone hurting my tree. I’m not sure the next step but that’s a living thing. I know that there is no healing when our things are still affected negatively by people. I’m not sure what the next step is but I know this is part and parcel of the entire thing and that we can’t heal when people hurt the things we care about. I don’t have much but I do have a legacy to protect and there is a place where my son needs to feel safe, and I don’t think it will ever be that house agian. But once it was home, there are good memories there. There was love. Part of that is the peace that was our tree. I’m sick of people damaging the things I love. The world needs to be better and less selfish. I need peace in mine and her lives. Even if we are separate in our lives. She needs the peace and quiet I have in my life. Even more than I do. And only one of us has it.

Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

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