Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

Happy 14th birthday son. I miss you and I miss the fact I am not there to watch you grow into a man, things are coming and the new year will hopefully change things...I just hope the one thing you will one day know is I never gave up, nor will I. It just sucks not being there to give you you're gifts. They are still here. I hope you had a good birthday anyways and had fun and are happy. That's all I ever ever wished for you. Love, Dad. You will travel far, my little Joshua. But we will never leave you... even in the face of our death. The richness of our lives shall be yours. All that I have, all that I've learned, everything I feel... all this, and more, I... I bequeath you, my son. You will carry me inside you, all the days of your life. You will make my strength your own, and see my life through your eyes, as your life will be seen through mine. The son becomes the father, and the father the son. This is all I... all I can send you.

All the things that I done, memories, they never hurt me. But the past, it's more than memories. It's the devil you sold your soul to. He's comin'. He's comin' to collect. I am sick of waiting, I know that I cannot do this on my own, but when the odds are stacked against me and all i am doing is waiting for an answer, maybe it is time to do it on my own. I know I will fail alone... but I'd rather fail alone, in the trenches with no support, of any kind.. than to sit here comfortably and say i stopped fucking fighting because it got too hard or i couldn't get the help i need. I have patiently waited. I'm going to wait a few more day and then regardless it's time to move this forward.. almost seven years have been taken away, and we are reaching a critical moment in his life. I'd rather have him know that i never backed down and never stopped fighting, and lost than realize i walked away because in the interim short term she won a hollow vict...

You know your ancient Greeks? They understood that war is a god. A god that requires human sacrifice. And in exchange, war gives man purpose. Meaning. A chance to rise above his petty mortal little self. And be courageous. Noble. Better.. I'm done being pateint and waiting and I'm done with the summer, it's time to go back into the mouth of hell and finish this one way or another.. no more stalling no more waiting.. i did so with a reason and a purpose but for every second ticking away it's gone on too long.. it's time to go back to the war and finish it. I feel stronger than i have in a while and I needed the break from it, but a man cannot ignore his responsibilities forever, and thats what's truly important, this is going to be an interesting week and i don't expect to play nice anymore.. this needs to end, i need to go back to having a normal life and for that i need to see the light or lack thereof at the end of the tunnel. being stuck angry in time...

If you are clever enough to bring destruction upon me, rest assured that I shall do as much to you. If it's worth fighting for, it's worth fighting dirty for. So we are back at square fucking one, but at least we have an answer of exactly where things stand.. and given that everyone i didn't trust have passed the buck as per the fact that it's not there problem, as expected we are out of limbo but going back to the bullshit that is the family court system, however this time it's going to be a stronger case and i am not listening to anyone but myself after being screwed over by that asshat lawyer who looked after his own interests and never my own or my sons... this time however the gloves are fucking coming off.. i have no problem and no issue playing dirty, you've ripped me to the fucking bone.. it's time to return the fucking favor.. everything comes in at this point, i can't have any patience or remorse or mercy... the being nice and patient and p...

I don't have time for political nonsense over fuckin toys, I have real issues and real interesting things to do in my life. Every time I have a fucking tinge of regret about quitting the toy game, some asshat reminds me how worthless dealing with the Toronto area toy scene and the clique is. I don't fucking miss it. I could have attended the entire con and had some fun but I'm sick of dealing with the politics. It's easier to not bother and focus on the other things in my life. For the most part I hated when I was involved in it, why the hell should be any different now. Some of these people whose whole life is this plastic junk are pathetic. Me it's just something hidden in my closet that once in a while is neat to add to when I have a few extra bucks. But the reality is that they are fuckin toys, for children and I'm not going to play political games with grown ups over this crap. It's in my rear view mirror for a reason. But I won't complain about go...

I get to do things that make me happy. It sucks that's he's not here at my side, but his absence does mean I stop living. I still have good friends and I enjoy myself. I just wish on some of these adventures he was by my side. I love my family and freinds that enable me to do cool things like having great seats at Metallica at skydome last night, and I've completely lost my voice screaming along.. Worth it, I might hurt all over but last night was worth it!!! These are experiences that would only be made better by having things be better. But it was an incredible night and probably a highlight of my life. I can deal with the lack of a voice for a few days. I appreciate the freinds that helped me get there too on Saturday!!! It was an amazing weekend. I have some great people in my life... I gotta remember that more often when I'm darkness and despair and anger mode... There are times in the darkness where there is light and happiness. Current Mood: Happy

You've wounded me. I give you full marks for that. But, like the man said, what doesn't kill me... just makes me stronger. I did not start this war. But I will finish it. Figures, today it was a Paperwork snafu, No surprise there, not that i had any real time to prepare for those that have passed the buck... gotta love when it comes down to it, a little boys relationship with his father isn't worth spit to the professionals. Expected. there's only one voice speaking out for my son and that's me... and I'll keep coming.. if six years hasn't taught you anything or the 17 preceding that, it's the fact that I don't know how to fail, even in my deepest darkest doubts and despair, I'm still standing, still here fighting. I have no illusions that there is going to be a winning side to this, it's never going to end, not until my boy is a man, this will be drawn out another four years, as long as she can manipulate others... that's the game. e...