Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

I’m going to continue to have fun with my freinds and live my happy life and be at peace instead of embracing your misery. You had everything given to you and you’re miserable. You were given the most precious thing in both our lives and you destroyed all of his possibilities too.  That day is coming when I answer the phone and I no longer need you, the day I no longer love you. I have my life and I have my friends. As always that’s always all I have ever needed.  You’re not there anyways. You’re not needed anyhow.

In my world, there's no games. Just pain. Misery. Agony. Chaos. Voices begging me to stop. But I don't listen. I am no longer fighting with you. The true battle now is within in my mind. The more you disappoint me the more I want to walk away and stop fighting completely. One day I will stop caring one day I will fade away and I will give no fucks about doing so. There are things in my life that are more important than wherever the hell you and I are now. My heart betraying myself over the logic in my head is the only constant battle now. I fought my war, I fought my battles. And regardless of where and when we stood they were always with you.  I don’t need to fight anymore and I don’t want to. I will walk away and have no regrets. That’s where we send now. I’m done fighting. For you. Against you. Because of you. It’s all fucking done. Forever. I am at peace with myself. That’s the only battle left worth fighting for and most of the time I don’t even care about doing that. No o...

I have a lot of free time to be hidden within my mind. It’s why I’m trying to seek distractions with my unfinished business and goals. I have responsibilities now to those that I love and I am still trying to honour the responsibilities I was never given the chance to fulfill, and I’m still trying to do right by them. But I am trapped within my mind and I do overthink a lot of things... but I also don’t like surprises or doubt in my life. I do think about the options in my life and I plan and plot my free time and finances and choices ahead of time, sometimes even months before. But that’s so I can do these things instead of simply existing. I don’t know what the next step is and I don’t know where things are going. I just know that I maintain status quo and I sit here thinking. I don’t need anyone in my life, and hibernation mode with no goals for this season fucking sucks. At least I have a few adventures booked but that’s all that is currently happening. I know that I overthink thin...

Two years and I’m still processing this. You’re absence is felt.  Every day. I wish you were still here.  

And you’re in my life agian... I’m gonna stand my ground and see what come of it. But you are in my life and I will stand firm on what I want for the both of us. We’ve both made mistakes and both have regrets. But you’ve also hurt me for just attempting to keep my hand in the game. We may love each other but we damage each other too. That part isn’t forgotten easily. It’s a new year, we can start over and begin agian. And I will give you that. But this is is the last dance. I have nothing left to prove. But we have plenty to prove to each other. That’s where we stand right now.  I will always be here. That’s you’re promise but not without quarter. There will always be answers and I will always demand them. That’s where we stand now. That’s who I am now.  You are a part of my life and I want you to be more. But we both know it needs to be on my terms and not on your timeline. I don’t have any expectations or reasons to change anything right now. And while I know you are conside...

My world has changed a lot. My responsibilities are different now but they still exist. It’s not the life I would have chosen. But it’s the life I have. I am happy. Things can be stressful especially when everything seems to happen at once. But it is the life I have chosen and I am enjoying the good moments. So I’ll take my responsibilities as they come. It’s not about me all the time. I’m not always happy but I’m always doing the right thing by the ones I love and the ones that I have stepped up to the plate to take responsibility for. I wish that someone else could have ever understood that when I was doing that for her. But that was another lifetime and a product of her choices. Now I do what I have to as a result of my choices. I’m glad I made them and I am glad my life has changed. It hasn’t been easy but it is recognized that I’m not worried about myself and what happens to me. I no longer have an endgame. I’m just seeking peace in this moment as long as I can find it. I sometime...

  I am happy, I am doing my own things and dealing with my current responsibilities and making his life better. No matter what anyone else thinks. I wish things were different but I’m enjoying my life as things are, and I will continue to do so. I do amazing things at a drop of a dime and I can figure out how to do epic adventures or memories with just a little bit of planning. I don’t have a need for Material things anymore. I wish I could share my adventures with those who mean the most, but that’s only measured in ounces. If you are in my life, you’re in my life... ... if you want to hang out on the fringes of my life and come an go that’s on you. I’m gonna live, I’m gonna hang with the people that are in my life. And we are going to do all the cool shit. Because I don’t care about tommorow, I’m living for today and I’m living like this might be the last one, every single Day. Everything I do right now, I’m having fun and I’m less miserable and depressed than I have been in year...