Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

Nothing Like Having someone Directly ackowledge he is ripping you off and fucking you over than to call his cell phone and have him hang up on you... revenge is a dish best served cold... but Instead of being too angry i may just do the intelligent thing and Involve the authorities.the fact that he's a theif, i shouldn't let it affect me personally....Fool me once, shame on you... Fool me twice. Shame on me. Current Mood: Angry. I love humanity but I hate people.

I have spent some time today reflececting on who i should and shouldn't be and the reasons i make choices that affect people, sometimes i dwell upon the negative and allow people to take advantage even tho i know that i should not. Sometimes i make positive choices however that reflect the best posible sceneario. sometimes it's difficult until later in the day to understand my reasoning for doing things but sometimes it's exactly what needs to be done so past mistakes of others end up repeated by myself, i have been discussing this lately and it's really getting ingrained into my head as to the kind of person I am and the Kind of person i am not. Current Mood: Brooding Being a great father is like shaving. No matter how good you shaved today, you have to do it again tomorrow

It's nice to have people around me that understand when I am going through rough times. It's not so nice to have people that are fucking me over because they can. By the end of this week someone I trusted may get his teeth kicked in. He picked the wrong week to fuck with me. i have a hard time controlling my anger and I end up sarcificing time with my son because of money issues it's not a good time to be around me or attempting to leech off me because i did him a favor. I no longer trust this person and am having some definte feelings of anger and revenge towards this asshat. i'm just glad that's tempered with positive emotions from elsewhere. Current Mood: Angry. He who angers you conquers you.

Not happy, it is time to no longer trust so called freinds who attempt to fuck me over when they give there word.. i'm pretty pissed off at someone who cliams to be a good freind right now... that's his fucking problem.. i'm not in a great mood... it's always something.. right now it just feels like all the somethings are coming together and conspiring agianst me, so what else is new... Current Mood: Pissed Off. Friends are just enemies that don't have the guts to kill you.

hopefully everything goes right today and I haven't placed my trust in someone who stabs me in the back as i will not be happy about that, for once it won't just affect me it will affect my son and my living situation, i am becoming very mistrustful around people lately everyone has their own agenda and i am getting to the point where i need to isolate myself from these so called freinds and let them rot. Current mood: Annoyed. A Native American grandfather talking to his young grandson tells the boy he has two wolves inside of him struggling with each other. The first is the wolf of peace, love and kindness. The other wolf is fear, greed and hatred. "Which wolf will win, grandfather?" asks the young boy. "Whichever one I feed," is the reply.

More and more I am wondering why i am allowing myself to merely eke out a living at a place where i no longer feel respected and i feel that i know exactly who is playing the political game agianst me because i am at odds with his very prison style idealogy, i can't say anything because of the fact this person is a supervisior... i feel even when i say something to the higher ups that it falls upon deaf ears... if staff are dealing with conflicting idealiogies and mixed signals from this so called supervisor who is merely creating power struggles between staff to establish his dominace, how does this affect the clients? obviously they are also feeling the mixed signals when they are given two constrasting directions often more times than the staff are, it's also very obvious this person ignore their basic rights and has centered one of the clients out. It is becoming very clear to me that i am no longer comfortable at my current place of employment and that this person is targe

Feeling a little better, if you hadn't guessed by the name of this post Easter is No longer a problem, took in some old ps2 games that neither of us play anymore and traded up for new mario brothers and mario party 8... so I don't have to buy little man anything for easter which is pretty cool... games i don't play.. brand new games for an easter present still wrapped up... you tell me which was the better idea. now all i have to do is buy some chocolate bunnies Hahaha. I found out today I might be getting full time nights for a while because someone is going on vacation the more I think about even if it affects me in the short term, it probaly is a positive. I still have to think about myself and my son first but maybe just maybe if i can turn a dark morning into a productive afternoon things can and will change this year for me.. i am defintley feeling the need to break out of the shell i have currently been in.. i shouldn't just accept things as they are there is a

I have come to a realization that there is a need for me to take care of me and certian freinds and hangers on need to be exised from my life. I am aware that the politics at work are part of the problem and I am feeling like I should be saying something on issues and things that happen but i don't, there is the whole fact even as lousy as it is I need the job, or another one. I have to start doing and and making decisions for me and worrying how so called freinds and/or co-workers might react... got the schedule at work agian and agian i am being walked all over in terms of my needs... my job should not be affecting my son the way it has.. of course in someone else's eyes obviously that relationships not important.... when i give notice i certianly hope he's not surprised when i cite the fact that my weeekends have been sacrficed too often as a reason why. Current Mood: frustrated. We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don

Phase one of planning in regards to fighting the antiquities of the social welfare network is complete, i will do for myself and then start looking into volunterring to deal with this absolute nonsense for other's in ontario specifically the bullshit and obviously racist and idiotic policies in this city we love and call hamilton. why does it seems that the goverment exsists to try and keep people under the thumb and politicize everything that they are trying to get people off social assiatance when the reality is that the inadequcy's of the system Keep people uneducated and unemployed and under the poverty line as a system of control. it's very interesting that almost every january in last few years i find myself at war with some element of the system, of course it's only natural when the very social controls that claim to help are the ones pinning everyone down, karma's a bitch and when I want to i can be a very dangerous person, of course this battle will be won

The patience level continues to fall, people that i place my trust in seem to only have their best interests at heart and not the person's that should be important.. i guess i should not be surprised this is the usual way things work in the world i am so closely associated with. when one of the mantra's among us is cover your own ass.. why complain when somethings not right? when do I leave because i can't finacally? when do i decide that my own mental health needs counter balances my need to eat and take care of my son? i think I need to find something else and soon, I'm am sick of snaked toungues and other peoples mistakes, that somehow inventialblly i am becoming blamed for. Current Mood: Angry. Of the Seven Deadly Sins, anger is possibly the most fun. To lick your wounds, to smack your lips over grievances long past, to roll over your tongue the prospect of bitter confrontations still to come, to savor to the last toothsome morsel both the pain you are given and the

Still waiting for a sign that things are going to change in this life...I am feeling that I am spinning my heels and not going anywhere... the weather outside is not helping my dispostion as things i would like to do involve travel and going out in the cold.... and given that i haven't aged as well as i'd like to and i am slightly less tough than i used to be i won't be playing freezing for dollars this winter even if it results in me not having extras for myself, as long as my son and my responsibilties are taken care of until the spring i will just do the hermit thing.. i've done it in the bitter cold in winter in windsor before, i can do it here. I may miss the active lifestyle but i would rather just sit around and do nothing than freeze and be cold outside. part of my biggest issue is the fact I am living back in a neighboor that really isn't accesable to most places but gives me a certian measure of quiet and peace, i can just diappaeer for a few days and not

And as expected i end up eating tonights shift and the fucking pay isn't in.... go figure.. I am wondering why exactly why i go to work somedays and volunteer for crap shifts right after i work a night shift. it's getting harder to answer myself every morning in the mirror why i go to this job when it is no longer fuffiling and I am in a holding pattern in terms of my carreer.. i am pushing for other employment but it's a wonder that they don't call me back... I have put a lot of applications out since the new year but it seems no one is calling, hopefully soon that changes.. I'd really like to get a job on yonge street in toronto as a Street youth worker at the Evergreen but who the fuck knows.. something has to change and soon. Current Mood: Still frustrated. My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.

it's interesting how one can have a good day doing what I am good at and still leave feeling deflated ue to office pointless politics...Even tho one likes my boss i wonder if it is indded management at this point that is creating the problems and unrest and the general feeling of uncertianity. double booking someone and then questioning the solution which affects my son and my life and others is starting to bother me quite a bit.. i have sacrificed a lot of time with my son for this job and have recently been reevalutaing that fact. I am unsure as to the fact i do not always have the finaces for rent much less food if i want to continue upon the current path of being able to be the on call guy..I am getting really upset by the fact that i'm an afterthought when it comes to shifts esp. day shifts... if i've done my job badly please let me know... stop affecting my kid with poor shift planning... i only ever asked for 5 days off a month.. i am seriously thinking of taking all

I am probaly going to sound like a marxist but the cure for boredom is work, wait.. I am a marxist... lol. anyways, a good morning at work led to a few more hours today so i have just enough time to update the blog and go back to work... so i'm pretty happy about that and things are indeed changing so this is a very good sign, i'm liking the direction my life is taking me i just need to expand on my adventures and things I want and need in this life and not let the depressing crap or a slow day get me down, i'm starting to think about some of the influnecnes in my social circle and who needs to be no longer there... i have some good supports but there are some toxic elements too... i think i get dragged down and get depressed more when i am hanging out with said toxic elements so maybe i should rid myself of them, the last few weeks have revealed I am happier when they aren't around... of course i haven't been drinking or hanging out downtown as much.. this is proba

how can one be so annoyed with the world when there is absolutley nothing going wrong with it.. or going on... my problem is that i don't like to be in a holding pattern... and 28 days of the month i am, i'm a robot at work.. i have nothing to do otherwise outside of a small select group of freinds and i find myself bored out of my skull. Current Mood: Stagnant. Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.

I'm actually getting back into wrestling and watching it for some reason... maybe i should go back into the relaxed person i was before 2000 and make my own choices for me and not let others define them for me....I was interesting then, I live my own life.... that and wrestling doesn't seem to suck... but i need to find some real indepenedence agian and not let the job define my life... i'm going to start disapearing into little adventures and not try so hard to be perfect... i was always happy when i was independent and not trying to live up to others ideals.. including my own.. i should just let life come and go.. and do what i want as long as it doesnt hurt anyone or affect negatively anyone i love. Current Mood: Happy. Life is short, God's way of encouraging a bit of focus

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

Had an awesome little weekend with the little man, all he wanted to do was play with gen. 1 optimus... go figure it's a new transformers and it's not in the style the make them these days... he discovered he had two playmates his age that come to visit upstairs and spent some time friday and saturday morning hanging out with them, it's always a good thing when he's got company his own age and he was really well behaved and listened... jumping on the trampoline out in the back yard... i have a really good feeling about this place, i mean the dog's name is Tarot... that has to be a sign. I am really happy about a lot of things and that is a really good thing. Time to be the change i want to make in my life. gotta look at some options in terms of employment. Current Mood: Happy. Current Song: Take It on the run, REO Speedwagon Happiness is not the absence of problems but the ability to deal with them.

I should be happy today but i am feeling very negative, the little man comes tommorow and i had a decent conversation with her, why does it feel like she's up to something as usual? is it just me and my pessimisytic outlook on life where i can't see the positives in life and trust anyone? the only time i am truly free is around him, i think i may have finally found something stable and healthy for the both us but i can't let myself accept it... my life has revolved around choas for so long when i finally find quiet and a few days i need the noise of anarchy to disrupt it.... maybe thats why i relaxed and played wii all day? house is clean and serene and it's weird how things are playing out... maybe i should accept my life as it is and slow down and just be happy... soon, i will. Current Mood: Peaceful Peace is not something you wish for; It's something you make, Something you do, Something you are, And something you give away.

Go figure, i can get fucked around by the city as usual because i'm working but leave some sad fucking story whose got a crack habit and they'll get start up.... welcome to the hypocrisy that is the province of ontario's social system, it's not to help people out it's to fuck people over...... as long as your working we don't want to lift a finger to help you. Current Mood: Pissed Off. For people on social assistance, the loss of free dental care, prescription drugs and subsidized housing can greatly outweigh additional income from working. We've all heard the stories.

Some days things are easier than others, it's been an easy weekend and it's sometimes easier to focus on positives than to deal with the negatives. I am really looking forward to having an entire weekend off with the little man in our new house, that should be a lot of fun. can't wait. Current Mood: Happy. Adversity has the same effect on a man that severe training has on the pugilist: it reduces him to his fighting weight.

Yeah, not a lovely start to a new year.. i am finding myself agian being fucked around at work in terms of stats and hours... i need to find myself a new job and fast, i am not going to be living on the edge this year and dealing with the nonsense that charactarized the last few months, I am trying to remian positive for me, my family and my son. if the bullshit at work continues unabated the way it has recently for my sanity and for the health of people around me maybe it's a good idea that I move on and quickly... i would rather starve on unemployment than starve and have to clock into work when the fates deign that i am needed at work, this is currently getting fucking ridiclous that they are not paying stat holidays? what the fuck? i work them and then i don't get paid them? i'm really not understanding the logic here..MaybeI should make myself unavailible agian by working at fast food, maybe i should just get another job so i don't have to deal with the goverment j

It's nice to sit at home and relax and not deal with the world.... i didn't go out today until i had to....I feel really comfortable here and am looking at staying long term, had a really good convo with the landlords today, met the grandkids and they are all little mans age and they are looking forward to meeting him which will make him really excited to have playmates hanging out with him esp. in the spring in the backyard, the closest he has right now are his cousins and they are down in the east end or in brantford... so i'm feeling really good about the future... Current Mood: Awesome.

The headaches still around but i think the start to the day may have been frustrated i figure if i ignore the Negativity and continue to explore the positive angles everything will be just fine... i'd rather be happy than miserable anyways.... it's time for a new slightly less erractive and insane me, but i still do things by my own rules and at my own speed.... that way i'm the only one to blame for when things take a downward spiral. Current Mood: Tired. If you break your neck, if you have nothing to eat, if your house is on fire, then you got a problem. Everything else is inconvenience.

All the best laid plans can often end up with me taking another route... hopefully i can get to where i need to go with very little bullshit this year...I am trying to maintain the positive emotions i had the first few days of this year but the age old bueractic bullshit once agian rears its head... why work? Why pay taxes? people that claim to have nothing and sit on their ass all day have nice cushy lives, meanwhile i deal with serious behavioral, emotional and pyschatric issues every time i go into work, and i don't get any credit... i guess it's better to suffer... if i was unemployed i'd probaly be better off but it's a point of pride that i am doing exactly what i want to be doing.. even if i have to deal with the goverments bullshit..... and the headaches induced by flouresent lights 24-7 aren't helping me either. Current Mood: Headache, fucking lights. If you're going through hell, keep going. Winston Churchill

It's Done, I'm in my new little palace for me and the little one and am not going anywhere for a good long time, i just need to get a few loose ends straightened out this week but it's all good, too bad moving in the cold of winter has made me a bit sick but the fact that i have a nice warm apartment to sleep in and room enough for 2 beds in the bedroom rules.... it's going to be a productive year... i'm going to start reading and writing my books this year, changes are afoot, it will be a less miserable year than last... i think i have finally found some stabilty. Current Mood: At peace.

I honestly think this is the year i am going to find peace, peace of mind, peace internally, peace in my living and employment situation.... there are things changing around me and I need to merely See them, having a postive outlook on things is healthy for me, i thought we were in crisis mode over Blue but after this afternoons phone call we are all good, forgot to mention the mitts and socks tho. next weekend i have him is a full weekend. I think the lines of communication are even more open this year and i think i'm gonna spend most of the year opening myself up to new experinces and studying my spiritaul books and truly being a part of nature... the materialism just isn't worth it anymore, i had forgotten what it was like to enjoy a movie on New years day and not have a care in the world... i am starting to honestly feel agian.. i think the fact that it's been five years is part of the new outlook on the decade... i won't miss the 2000's but the 2010's look

He's home, we forgot Blue but i am trying to rectify that situation today, a big toy has to go home anyways... go figure...it's the holidays at least it didn't get losted... i have to take the thomas table down to her place anyways.... i had a quiet night at work and a horrible new years morning but that's to be expected... don't hold onto a fire cracker and expect it not to blow up in your hand... it's interesting to see a client using politics as pychology agianst a staff member.. i feel so loved when a fellow co worker has obviously talked shit to one of the kids about me about internal affairs some team, if something else comes up this year.. i am going to seriously consider it.. i have some loyalty to my boss but it's been slowly eroding over the last month and holiday season. Current Mood: Tired. New Year's Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time