Bela Lugosi's Dead.

Yeah, not a lovely start to a new year.. i am finding myself agian being fucked around at work in terms of stats and hours... i need to find myself a new job and fast, i am not going to be living on the edge this year and dealing with the nonsense that charactarized the last few months, I am trying to remian positive for me, my family and my son. if the bullshit at work continues unabated the way it has recently for my sanity and for the health of people around me maybe it's a good idea that I move on and quickly... i would rather starve on unemployment than starve and have to clock into work when the fates deign that i am needed at work, this is currently getting fucking ridiclous that they are not paying stat holidays? what the fuck? i work them and then i don't get paid them? i'm really not understanding the logic here..MaybeI should make myself unavailible agian by working at fast food, maybe i should just get another job so i don't have to deal with the goverment just to pay my fucking rent every few months, the only reason this christmas didn't turn to shit was thru the contribuitions of family and still i'm fucking miserable... that doesn't make sense.

Current Mood: Drained.
They had forgotten the first lesson: that we must be powerful, beautiful, and without regret.

Comments

The Laugh Track.

I want you in my life. Don't ever fucking confuse that for needing you in my life. Those two things are mutually exclusive to each other. I'm fine with my life and it's not my freind's and my social life that I'm jealous of. We both made our choices. My life has always been an insane carnival. You were merely an extended chapter. But if you think I'm going to sit at home being sad and depressed and shutting down because your not in my life. Your delusional. Then agian we already know this. If my life is going to be a sad comedy then I'll make it a metal massacre. I'm not sitting around waiting for anyone. The least of all you. I sacrificed enough time on the altar of what might have been. I'm just enjoying the time that we have left. This way if it go out, it's on my own terms. I always told you that my funeral pyre will be a blaze of glory.. I just never told you when. Now I'm gonna live and have adventures. Remain jealous. You know how ...

The Trees.

I am really bothered by someone hurting my tree. I’m not sure the next step but that’s a living thing. I know that there is no healing when our things are still affected negatively by people. I’m not sure what the next step is but I know this is part and parcel of the entire thing and that we can’t heal when people hurt the things we care about. I don’t have much but I do have a legacy to protect and there is a place where my son needs to feel safe, and I don’t think it will ever be that house agian. But once it was home, there are good memories there. There was love. Part of that is the peace that was our tree. I’m sick of people damaging the things I love. The world needs to be better and less selfish. I need peace in mine and her lives. Even if we are separate in our lives. She needs the peace and quiet I have in my life. Even more than I do. And only one of us has it.

Father and Son.

I dont know the next step. I don't claim to. I just know I'm working to rebuild a relationship that has been fractured for many years. That includes both of you. I am here. I will always be here, I have always been here that will never change This weekend was epic and it felt right. I don't know what will happen but i do know that I am at peace with being civil and polite with your mom. It was nice to have a little adventure as a family. It felt right. It what was missing in our lives. Thank you.

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