Trapped Under Ice.

Still waiting for a sign that things are going to change in this life...I am feeling that I am spinning my heels and not going anywhere... the weather outside is not helping my dispostion as things i would like to do involve travel and going out in the cold.... and given that i haven't aged as well as i'd like to and i am slightly less tough than i used to be i won't be playing freezing for dollars this winter even if it results in me not having extras for myself, as long as my son and my responsibilties are taken care of until the spring i will just do the hermit thing.. i've done it in the bitter cold in winter in windsor before, i can do it here. I may miss the active lifestyle but i would rather just sit around and do nothing than freeze and be cold outside. part of my biggest issue is the fact I am living back in a neighboor that really isn't accesable to most places but gives me a certian measure of quiet and peace, i can just diappaeer for a few days and not have any concerns about the world.

Current Mood: Depressed.
When you stare into the abyss the abyss stares back at you. Friedrich Nietzsche

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

The Remedy

I am reminded when I need someone how truly alone I am in this world. Because for as much as I am the constant and the shoulder to cry on. The same respect isn’t accorded to me, obviously. It hasn’t been in years. This is why I have never and will never need you. I don’t need anyone. Especially when I am fucking hurting over a lost freind. I hurt, I get to do that. I’m fine with that. I process and move on. I spend a couple days where I block out the world and keep going but I’m fine. I don’t accord anyone I don’t trust or respect the time of day. It’s not about who it is. I’ll willing burn a bridge im fucking standing on if it means I take you with me if I see you as my enemy. I’m on a quest for peace, anything that gets in the way of that or causes turmoil in my life can get the fuck out of my way or become ash, because I will go the fuck thru you. Affect my responsibilities in my life, I will accord the same respect you do to them, I don’t mind being a blunt instrum...

Respite on the Spitalfeilds.

I get to hurt, that’s my curse. I feel everything. And it never goes away. It doesn’t matter if it’s peace of strife. I always miss him. He’s always there buried not so deep inside. Along side that in my heart lies hope. But right now, the price is simply too high to have him in my life. I’m not good with authority or conditions. And attempting controlling me has very negative conquences. So yeah, I’ll be here waiting. I should not hurt this much. Or be this sad. But it’s a fucking pain that never goes away except when it is replaced by anger. And I’m trying to fight that emotion off because bad things happen when I’m angry. And thats my secret Cap, I’m always angry. It’s what controls the hulk inside me from taking out an entire city block. I deserved better. This wasn’t the life I was promised. This is for sure not the life I promised my son. That was taken away from me. I’m not to blame. But I’ll be damned if suffers like an adult the way I had to. I will always be here b...

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