Trapped Under Ice.

Still waiting for a sign that things are going to change in this life...I am feeling that I am spinning my heels and not going anywhere... the weather outside is not helping my dispostion as things i would like to do involve travel and going out in the cold.... and given that i haven't aged as well as i'd like to and i am slightly less tough than i used to be i won't be playing freezing for dollars this winter even if it results in me not having extras for myself, as long as my son and my responsibilties are taken care of until the spring i will just do the hermit thing.. i've done it in the bitter cold in winter in windsor before, i can do it here. I may miss the active lifestyle but i would rather just sit around and do nothing than freeze and be cold outside. part of my biggest issue is the fact I am living back in a neighboor that really isn't accesable to most places but gives me a certian measure of quiet and peace, i can just diappaeer for a few days and not have any concerns about the world.

Current Mood: Depressed.
When you stare into the abyss the abyss stares back at you. Friedrich Nietzsche

Comments

The Laugh Track.

I want you in my life. Don't ever fucking confuse that for needing you in my life. Those two things are mutually exclusive to each other. I'm fine with my life and it's not my freind's and my social life that I'm jealous of. We both made our choices. My life has always been an insane carnival. You were merely an extended chapter. But if you think I'm going to sit at home being sad and depressed and shutting down because your not in my life. Your delusional. Then agian we already know this. If my life is going to be a sad comedy then I'll make it a metal massacre. I'm not sitting around waiting for anyone. The least of all you. I sacrificed enough time on the altar of what might have been. I'm just enjoying the time that we have left. This way if it go out, it's on my own terms. I always told you that my funeral pyre will be a blaze of glory.. I just never told you when. Now I'm gonna live and have adventures. Remain jealous. You know how ...

The Trees.

I am really bothered by someone hurting my tree. I’m not sure the next step but that’s a living thing. I know that there is no healing when our things are still affected negatively by people. I’m not sure what the next step is but I know this is part and parcel of the entire thing and that we can’t heal when people hurt the things we care about. I don’t have much but I do have a legacy to protect and there is a place where my son needs to feel safe, and I don’t think it will ever be that house agian. But once it was home, there are good memories there. There was love. Part of that is the peace that was our tree. I’m sick of people damaging the things I love. The world needs to be better and less selfish. I need peace in mine and her lives. Even if we are separate in our lives. She needs the peace and quiet I have in my life. Even more than I do. And only one of us has it.

Father and Son.

I dont know the next step. I don't claim to. I just know I'm working to rebuild a relationship that has been fractured for many years. That includes both of you. I am here. I will always be here, I have always been here that will never change This weekend was epic and it felt right. I don't know what will happen but i do know that I am at peace with being civil and polite with your mom. It was nice to have a little adventure as a family. It felt right. It what was missing in our lives. Thank you.

Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

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