Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

The plans are being formulated and I am soon going to be taking the fate that has been decreed for me by another out of her hands, it's time for me to decide the man I am going to be, No more cowering in fear from the authority, it's time to prove her wrong.. it's time to demolish her false pretense aided by the government, because the minute they find her unfit for drinking or something else you know the person she will come crying to, of course I will simply turn my back on her and say you did this to yourself, in seeking to destroy me i wonder how much damage you have done to that which matters most... In my world and in my vision the ultimate thing you could have done was involve the system for a petty victory... (and trust me it is a very small fucking Victory.) i am starting to see the world thru a new set of eyes and all the demons and experiences i have suffered thru will one day prove useful, sooner than most... it's time for you to feel the way i have for the

I am fucking done being intimidated by anyone,including agents of my ex wife's choosing, you have done your damage and now it's time for me to battle and fight and clear and restore my fucking name... I am not going to be intimidated anymore, i spent the summer being intimidated and depressed, it's time for me to move forward and if i need to be I'll be the fucking intimidating one, this is all about intimidation anyways so it doesn't go back to court and she doesn't have to have a lawyer and spend money, yeah, like that's going to be my desired outcome, let's see you cost me my job, my career possibly and my summer with my boy... you think maybe I'm gonna want to fight you even harder? this old dog has teeth, it's time to bare em. I don't have time to play games and wait and be patient anymore, I spent the whole summer being depressed and came way to close to killing myself for me not to fight very hard and very angry agianst everyone that

It's fucking telling when the worst experience of your life you reach out to friends and people that you have worked with, it really shows who has your back and who doesn't when you ask for help and you a re left hanging, the worst part is the ones that leave you hanging are the ones that are usually the first to ask for help when they need/want something... this has been a trial by fire but i know the people that stand behind me and who supports me, and the people that do not can all go get fucked... either your friend and you assist me in times of need or you don't it's that simple... I'd fucking die for my friends and they fucking know that, the ones that matter anyways.. but the rest of them, fuck em. Current Mood: Angry. A friend is someone who, upon seeing another friend in immense pain, would rather be the one experiencing the pain than to have to watch their friend suffer. A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and ac

...And tomorrow it begins, no more waiting no more having to deal with the patience that's been eating me up inside.. it's time to strike and it's time for vindication, it's time to show her that i cannot be controlled and/or defeated by her... the sad part is I never wanted this battle or this war. her own selfish desires got us here, i was content with the status quo of weekends and summer and support...walking by the pool today i reflected on the fact that he should have been here going to camp so that he could have went to Marineland again today.. but of course like all good experiences he has had with me she is jealous that i have the freedom to let him seek his own path, unlike her who needs to control everything, and if she can't control me, she will control him, and the man he's going to grow up to be, not on my watch, not while i am involved as his father. Current Mood: Determined. What makes a man a man? A friend of mine once asked. It's the c

The time is over for feeling sorry for myself, and hurting, in war there is no time for the pain of emotions, i've got to use it and channel it, make her feel the way i do, make her feel fucking fear, make her regret the things she's done over the last ten years... of course some of the fault should be admittedly be mine, i should have left her on hull river on July 1st, 2001.. my life would be simpler, it's funny how college and university and all of the experiences in the last ten years and before would lead me to a fucking place where i was prepared for a battle like this... None of that matter because the genetics under my skin are more fucking important according to some people that don't understand a fucking thing..this is a vindictive woman who was jealous i finally found some happiness with my son that didn't include her, and my son was part of that... so she had to use the only nuclear option she had left and destroy it, or at least attempt to destroy it.

The battle has become and it's an uphill battle but i have made phone calls and the paperwork is in to get things moving and to change things, there isn't going to be any more sitting around depressed and waiting for the world to move on without me, each man is the conqueror of his own destiny and it's been a long time since i truly let anyone control my fate but myself... it's time to start writing and making sure the powers that be know that I'm not going to be fucking going away, the only way to deal with an attack of a personal nature is to get on the offensive and defend oneself and it is now time for me to be doing that, it's time to fight until my last breath.... Current Mood: Determined. He who knows when he can fight and when he cannot, will be victorious.

It's time get on the fucking offensive and instead of letting this apathy destroy me, i need to start calling people and dealing with the sad realities of my life and changing them, why would i sit around and wait for shit to happen when i can instead make changes happen? it's time for me to be the big bad, intimidating bad guy i know i can be... after all there is no satisfaction in being named the villain unless you actually can act like the villain, of course I'm going to do it smart and be ruthless but not mean about it, I'm not 12 years anymore, time to let the maturity level come in to play, I'm not an angry kid anymore, i am a man fighting to clear my name, and fighting for my son... you can't destroy someone who is innocent but you and the fucking government sure can try, of course i know the blackness that dwells within my soul pales in comparison to the deep black wounds you inflict with the utter blackness of your soul, there is a reason everyone hate

You know it's interesting how at the end of the day someone can call me up and give me the information that my ex is refusing a second opinion with a second social worker and that i will have to pursue things legally... it's not a surprise when it's been evident that both the worker and my ex have been manipulating things to weaken whatever ever defense i might propose, because it's not about truly being guilty, it's about appearing to be guilty.. I asked for second opinion on day fucking one of this investigation, obviously scare tactics aren't going to work on me so stall tactics make more sense to use, I'm not gonna be intimidated right? you know there is always the trump card i can play once i clear my name or even before if it get's me to the point where my name will be cleared, it's gonna hurt like hell but some days I'm swimming so deep in depression that maybe it's time to do the predictable thing and move on like i always seem to do

Another day where I am sitting around pretending like there is anything that fucking matters in my life, you know it would help if the stress levels in my life would once in a while go down, I don't know where i will be tomorrow anymore, all the goals in my life at this point seem to have turned to shit... the sad part is this all due to a woman, and it's once agian me having to pull myself out of the grave and deal with the depressing bullshit that seems to dominate my life... Current Mood: Sad. I don't necessarily want to be happy; I just want to stop feeling miserable.

I am not going to let anyone Intimidate me especially this late in the game, I'm the intimidating one not anyone else, maybe some of the people that have crossed me in this life and the corrupt civil servants who took there time not investigating shit should try not to attempt to intimidate me, even if i was sitting in a padded room with the cuffs on, i would not be intimidated, i know who i am and what I am, and that's something nobody can take away from me... there's a reality out there that people have created and it's not the truth, but then again, who ever said you needed the truth to condemn a man, i am a student of history after all... it's funny that the minute i start making changes in life by some coincidence the phone rings, wonder what will happen when this is back in court....I'm sick of people trying to manipulate my life, people that don't know me.. it all comes down to the one person who i thought knew me but really all she wanted was whateve

All the anger, brooding and patience came down to yesterday and the fact that things are now moving forward....It's time to stop attempting to play defense and get on the offensive... it's awful nice when someone directly contradicts themselves on a phone call two minutes before walking into the lawyer's office, i should be used to all the deception esp. from Niagara's corrupt version of the system, i shouldn't be surprised i prepared for this and have a good eye for spotting the people who are fake in the system...I have always guarded my thoughts and feelings for a reason, there is a reason no one at my former employer knew about my past...but i dislike being manipulated and i was very upset to have caught her in a direct lie, of course.. even thought she was likely full of it, they are going to leave she who shall not be named alone in court.. let's play that game... first you ask me to do something and sit on it.. good my lawyer's in play... we will have

Today is not a good day to be on my fucking bad side... I'm an in an angry mood and want to rip someones fucking head off.. all the pent up frustrations of the last few months seems to be coming to a head and the fact that i could just kick a door in and kick the shit out of her instead of dealing with things the right way is playing heavily on my mind...I could do that, but I'm better than her... i don't seek to destroy her life the way she has completely decimated mine.. over and over and over again...I wonder how sad her own life is, Right now between the sleepless nights and the fact i am having serious pains in my side that could be an ulcer or my gall bladder and i am too focused on dealing with this to go to the doctor to deal with the psychical pain,I'm so fucking sick of sacrificing everything and ending up with nothing, I'm sick of the world allowing things like this to happen, I'm sick of being in pain... this is one of the days where i am tempted to

One is getting to the point where wallowing in despair and not doing anything is accomplishing little.. it's time to get on the fucking offensive and start making lives hell, just as my life has been torn apart... feeling the fact that in this battle i have never felt more truly alone than i do right now, even tho i know i have supports, the worst of it is on the weekends because i should be sitting at home watching him sleep or play Nintendo instead of wandering the streets because i feel lost inside and the more time i spend at home surrounded by his things the darker and angrier my thoughts become, when everything has been taking from you it is very easy to fall into old habits but for the moment i am trying to hold my head up and stop from drowning in my own dark thoughts.... sometimes it would have been easier to walk away but I'm not built like that.. and it's time for me to take control of my own life and make people answer... because i will not go down without a fig

It occurs to me right now that this one of the weeks when i would have a vacation as she was informed a long time ago that because of my now former employer needing at least a few months notice on vacation, that i would be taking the first and last's weeks of august for vacation, one week to go away with him and the other week possibly for him to go to camp and get ready to go back to school, now I am once again in a losing battle in which neither side is going to fucking win and the best we can hope for is that because of her nonsense that child doesn't end up too scarred...I almost regret returning to central Ontario to deal with my responsibilities as a father, but given my inner make up, even if it ends up costing me everything, and right now that's exactly how it feels, how could i not? it's not him that's the selfish one.. he's not the one that is so selfish and conceited and controlling that everything needs to be her way, i should have known this when t

I sit around bored with my head in my hands or i go out and hang out with my friends, i have no real goals at the moment and can't be bothered to see past tomorrow, i hate this city and anger and hate are becoming more pronounced towards certain people that seek to destroy me, they can destroy me all they want I am a phoenix born of fire. every time i am broken down i get up, stronger than before...it just saddens me to see things turning out the way they did... too bad this life is all about tribulations, not sure what my next is going to be but i am going to make it soon and some of the people that have made me feel this way are going to feel it's wrath, there's no time like the present but i can't be bothered to be a person with a dark soul that would wish any kind of malice on anyone, maybe a darker nastier me would have had a better road, and maybe at the end of the day i will be darker and bitter and a lot of light within my soul will wither on the vine and die, l