Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

I am Focused and Angry, I know that I should be using the current situation as a focused catylyst for Change, but the reality is I am frustrated and at this point in my life i tought things were secure enough that I didn't need to be looking for yet another place... I always end up feeling Homeless and fearing being Homeless when I am looking for an apartment I have options but some of them aren't nessicarly the best choices for me at the current time.. I am to the point where i am just so goddamned frustrated I don't know what the next step is going to be.. It's just a matter of making a decision and running with it. I can't see the future and I can't feel anything good coming up for me.. all i seem to do is run into brick walls.. I can survive anything but i am getting frustrated with the fact that I constantly have forks in the road and wonder if i ever made the right decision leaving Windsor and being a dad, One of the few things i actually had in Windsor w

The next few weeks are going to be pivotal to the rest of my life, everything is coming to a head and the game is sadly all over the place, but as long as i keep my head high and keep struggling aginast the forces that doom me I'll be fine... there is a light at the end of the tunnel and the only constant in my life is change, but this is a possibilty to the next step.. I don't have to sit around and laungish in what could have beens.. I can just keep moving forward and face every experince in my life standing stall on both feet... Current Mood: Tired, Depressed. It is not reasonable that those who gamble with men's lives should not pay with their own.

I am Angry about the current situations in my life... This is not how things are fucking supposed to be... I am less than enthused by the attempt to be forced out at home without any real notice... I will leave as soon as soon as i find something safe and acceptable but I am quite frustrated over the fact that the past year i have sacrificed so much just to keep that roof over my head and I got fucked over.. I understand the situation and my heart even hurts for them but my own heart is hurting for reasons much more important than them and in this game of chaos choices that will eventually affect him come first..I am trying to do the best I can but being woken up early morning when you know i haven't been sleeping isn't fucking impressive to ones willingness to leave peacefully and as soon as possible.. I have a lot of frustrations in my life and the truth is the fact that I can't realistically go anywhere for a few weeks is one of them... it is something that needs to be d

I am Used to playing all the angles and reacting with anger when something in my life does not go my way.. this time however I am just planning the future carefully and weighing all the variables... I'm No longer young and I have responsibilities while white hot anger and fury still exists inside of me at this point in my life i have to channel that rage in a positive direction or all my experiences in the last year will turn inward and consume me... I can't let my strength and anger and drive become a poison, Yes i'm angry about leaving the place we have called home for the last three years but in a way it is forcing me to make a decision one i have been happily avoiding since last year... there is always going to be a crossroads in my life and i will always have the fight or flee impulse, but i have chosen to stand my ground this long and fight... it's not likely that impulse will change anytime soon... the things that scares me is being trapped in a place forever tha

I like the fact that for the last little while i have been living my life and while dealing with emotional pain due to the part of the year it is and missing my little boy, you the one who has caused all of it is not entering the equation, I haven't thought of you for any real reason in a few weeks and the reality is even thru the nostalgia filter or thru the blinding red eyes of anger I'm not sitting around brooding and waiting for things to change.. I am dealing with them and not brooding... Yes, it seems like i am at a standstill now but when i devote time and energy it's towards positive goals and how i can change things.. when i say I haven't thought about you it is because I have better things to do with my life.. I am currently considering all the angles and making plans for the future, some of which i might not be comfortable with but anything is better than the torture and hell of the past year, it's time for me to stand alone, stand for myself and Not be

I know that this is just another Change in a life full of them, but sometimes little things that are so important like the places we live, and the materialistic things we put inside of them are not important, I have good memories here and It's a true fact that this is just bad timing for the house of cards to be falling apart, I am really angry and pissed off that all this suffering has been for naught and now I am faced with the dilemma of having to find a new place to live..I have options but the truth is.. I really don't want to go anywhere. the fact that all I am really hearing is silence thru a path of smoke and mirrors and I am unsure what the game is or the truth of the matter... I guess it will all come to a head at the end of the month when rent is required and we find out what's going on with everything, but right now I am very frustrated.. I fought very hard to keep this place... He chose it... He will be disappointed to find out I have moved.. this Is our home..

I have a lot of anger and hate in my life right now and I knwo some of it is due to my own failure but a lot of it is also due to one event horizon in my life, One moment in time, One person's constant selfishness and inability to deal with her own emotions and lashing out at the one person who once upon a time truly loved her, no matter what, Now there is nothing but blackness in my life... Without you I would be happy and in Windsor and without worries, i would still have my career, my Apartment on 368 Partington or on the same street living with my buddy just hanging out and being cool, I would have my career and I would have choices in my life.. Found out today that the battle is just a little bit harder, and I honestly think about stopping fighting and letting you win because you will not be satisfied until you have destroyed me completely... and I won't be satisfied until absolute victory, but we have been playing this fucking game a very long time and I am sick of it...

No sooner do I talk about security in my life than that particular house of cards crumbles... I have had a few angry and sleepless nights and I am not at all fuckin happy...my one rock and my own constant the one thing that i have spent the last year starving myself only allowing myself small excess's like a occasional pack of cigarettes and a coffee, everything I have done to keep my apartment to be a safe and secure place for kid is useless, other people's issues have come into play and I am being shunned aside with little or no notice.. I respect these people but i am very deeply hurt that I am just being broomed aside and kicked out... it's like thank you for the money but get out... I am living on borrowed time and it may make other alternate plans come to fruition but the reality is, once agian I have put roots down and this time i thought they were as solid as concrete and the reality is that they are not. it's so fucking frustrating. Current Mood: Frustrated,

Another year closer to the grave, this is one of the worst birthdays i have ever had, of course Most of the damage is self inflicted as i haven't bothering with the world this week, just sitting at home and hardly doing anything, I have basically made the choice to ride the positive buzz from the weekend where i found a moment of peace and solace as long as i can, at least at home in my house, in my apartment i know I have security and Nothing can change that for the moment... I can let the days and nights melt together and I can just be me.. it sucks being surrounded by mementos and trophies of my previous life, but then again it's going to be the last birthday spent like this... I will either be somewhere and someone else this time next year or things will be back to normal by next year... I just can't stand the fucking waiting... 2 years ago.. i was at a tigercats game and wwe with him, and he got presents...and now I am just empty....I am sick of being a hollow shell j

It's going to be a fun for me tonight as once agian For my birthday WWE rolls into town and I have my sister to thank for getting me tickets.. there is a void however... I have really nice seats and they are front row but i would be just as fucking happy sitting in nosebleeds with my little person watching the show... I have had the opportunity to share the WWE experience with him only once 2 years ago.. this is a Saturday show, there is no reason except selfishness that he is not here this weekend and we are not going to this show. I am happy to be going to the show but deep inside in my heart, it's just not going to be the same without my little person, He should be here... this is another interesting thing, another memory that only i can give him, that has been taken away.. I know that their will be more but the waiting... the waiting is so damn hard... Current Mood: Sad. "Let not your happiness be defined by what is given to you. For all that is given can be taken

Another day where there Is nothing going on In my life and I am just fucking waiting, wanting something to fucking change.. and it isn't I am spinning my wheels... I can see light at the end of the tunnel... i can feel that things will one day eventually change but i am trapped... I feel so fucking small.. and it does not fucking help that everything is so complicated that The small things that mean the most are the things that hurt the most... when someone knows exactly how to make you bleed that's how they turn the screw.... Another year of nothingness.. more waiting, less patience.... I am becoming someone else... the best and most bitter parts of my soul are just spinnging their wheels.. there's no point in doing anything except looking down into the void, and making a choice to let it consume me... or wait upon the precipice waiting.... I'm sick of being angry, I'm sick of having nothing to lose... I'm sick of hating everything around me and staring at fou

I am turning back into someone I used to be... I am angry and I am vengeful and I am really starting not to care.. all this balled up energy needs a focus and it needs to feed but i am sitting around complacent waiting for the next step agian, maybe it's time to be driven and maybe it's time to start making things happen for me.. it would be very easy for me to lose control and accelerate the process by kicking in a door and dealing with things the way i would like to.. but fuck... it would be too fucking easy.. and it would give the villian of the story everything she's ever wanted.. proof that I am a bad man, and I AM NOT. Current Mood: Angry. When our hatred is violent, it sinks us even beneath those we hate.

I don't let the anger and hate consume me.. but it's always there... i can disappear anytime i want into another life but i stay here no matter the cost.. standing tall... because I need to.. not because I have to... there are options, but i can enjoy myself even within all the darkness and just have a fun weekend... going back to the person i was before i met you... the person i was before you decimated my life with your lies...that's truly who i am.. i have not yet lost sight of that... i just forgot about it for a little while... leaving for a month and 2 weeks and coming back with an entirely new game plan and mindset was a good idea... anger and hate can consume you or you can choose to use it as fuel.... wanna guess which one I'm doing? Current Mood: Driven. Current Music: Iron Maiden - The Longest Day Those who hate you don't win unless you hate them; and then you destroy yourself.