Happy Fucking Birthday.... 36....

Another year closer to the grave, this is one of the worst birthdays i have ever had, of course Most of the damage is self inflicted as i haven't bothering with the world this week, just sitting at home and hardly doing anything, I have basically made the choice to ride the positive buzz from the weekend where i found a moment of peace and solace as long as i can, at least at home in my house, in my apartment i know I have security and Nothing can change that for the moment... I can let the days and nights melt together and I can just be me.. it sucks being surrounded by mementos and trophies of my previous life, but then again it's going to be the last birthday spent like this... I will either be somewhere and someone else this time next year or things will be back to normal by next year... I just can't stand the fucking waiting... 2 years ago.. i was at a tigercats game and wwe with him, and he got presents...and now I am just empty....I am sick of being a hollow shell just moving forward every day of my life waiting for absolution.

Current Mood: Sad.
There is no cure for birth and death save to enjoy the interval.

Comments

The Laugh Track.

I want you in my life. Don't ever fucking confuse that for needing you in my life. Those two things are mutually exclusive to each other. I'm fine with my life and it's not my freind's and my social life that I'm jealous of. We both made our choices. My life has always been an insane carnival. You were merely an extended chapter. But if you think I'm going to sit at home being sad and depressed and shutting down because your not in my life. Your delusional. Then agian we already know this. If my life is going to be a sad comedy then I'll make it a metal massacre. I'm not sitting around waiting for anyone. The least of all you. I sacrificed enough time on the altar of what might have been. I'm just enjoying the time that we have left. This way if it go out, it's on my own terms. I always told you that my funeral pyre will be a blaze of glory.. I just never told you when. Now I'm gonna live and have adventures. Remain jealous. You know how ...

The Trees.

I am really bothered by someone hurting my tree. I’m not sure the next step but that’s a living thing. I know that there is no healing when our things are still affected negatively by people. I’m not sure what the next step is but I know this is part and parcel of the entire thing and that we can’t heal when people hurt the things we care about. I don’t have much but I do have a legacy to protect and there is a place where my son needs to feel safe, and I don’t think it will ever be that house agian. But once it was home, there are good memories there. There was love. Part of that is the peace that was our tree. I’m sick of people damaging the things I love. The world needs to be better and less selfish. I need peace in mine and her lives. Even if we are separate in our lives. She needs the peace and quiet I have in my life. Even more than I do. And only one of us has it.

Father and Son.

I dont know the next step. I don't claim to. I just know I'm working to rebuild a relationship that has been fractured for many years. That includes both of you. I am here. I will always be here, I have always been here that will never change This weekend was epic and it felt right. I don't know what will happen but i do know that I am at peace with being civil and polite with your mom. It was nice to have a little adventure as a family. It felt right. It what was missing in our lives. Thank you.

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