Return to Big Nothing IV

I am Focused and Angry, I know that I should be using the current situation as a focused catylyst for Change, but the reality is I am frustrated and at this point in my life i tought things were secure enough that I didn't need to be looking for yet another place... I always end up feeling Homeless and fearing being Homeless when I am looking for an apartment I have options but some of them aren't nessicarly the best choices for me at the current time.. I am to the point where i am just so goddamned frustrated I don't know what the next step is going to be.. It's just a matter of making a decision and running with it. I can't see the future and I can't feel anything good coming up for me.. all i seem to do is run into brick walls.. I can survive anything but i am getting frustrated with the fact that I constantly have forks in the road and wonder if i ever made the right decision leaving Windsor and being a dad, One of the few things i actually had in Windsor was security...I lived in the same area for 5 years... I have actually thought about that a lot lately.. there are options in thorold, welland, Windsor and brantford but I don't know what the endgame is... I can't see it that clearly... I am just frustrated by the fact that this is not how things should be...I shouldn't be making decisions based on whatever the next step is going to be because i am fucking unclear of exactly what the next step will be.

Current Mood: Frustrated.
To conquer frustration, one must remain intensely focused on the outcome, not the obstacles

Comments

The Laugh Track.

I want you in my life. Don't ever fucking confuse that for needing you in my life. Those two things are mutually exclusive to each other. I'm fine with my life and it's not my freind's and my social life that I'm jealous of. We both made our choices. My life has always been an insane carnival. You were merely an extended chapter. But if you think I'm going to sit at home being sad and depressed and shutting down because your not in my life. Your delusional. Then agian we already know this. If my life is going to be a sad comedy then I'll make it a metal massacre. I'm not sitting around waiting for anyone. The least of all you. I sacrificed enough time on the altar of what might have been. I'm just enjoying the time that we have left. This way if it go out, it's on my own terms. I always told you that my funeral pyre will be a blaze of glory.. I just never told you when. Now I'm gonna live and have adventures. Remain jealous. You know how ...

The Trees.

I am really bothered by someone hurting my tree. I’m not sure the next step but that’s a living thing. I know that there is no healing when our things are still affected negatively by people. I’m not sure what the next step is but I know this is part and parcel of the entire thing and that we can’t heal when people hurt the things we care about. I don’t have much but I do have a legacy to protect and there is a place where my son needs to feel safe, and I don’t think it will ever be that house agian. But once it was home, there are good memories there. There was love. Part of that is the peace that was our tree. I’m sick of people damaging the things I love. The world needs to be better and less selfish. I need peace in mine and her lives. Even if we are separate in our lives. She needs the peace and quiet I have in my life. Even more than I do. And only one of us has it.

Father and Son.

I dont know the next step. I don't claim to. I just know I'm working to rebuild a relationship that has been fractured for many years. That includes both of you. I am here. I will always be here, I have always been here that will never change This weekend was epic and it felt right. I don't know what will happen but i do know that I am at peace with being civil and polite with your mom. It was nice to have a little adventure as a family. It felt right. It what was missing in our lives. Thank you.

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