Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

Not in a good fucking mood, first off i get an early morning call asking me exactly what's going on with some of the things i can't fucking afford yet re: regarding court... and as much as i am trying i have to eat i have to keep a roof over my head, I left a fucking message a month ago regarding everything and apparently it fell upon deaf fucking ears because no one was listening unless it's a time when it is actually fucking important to someone... other than me, because it's only my sanity and my child's well being on the line.. but I'm the great big evil one so it's alright... even tho I AM AND ALWAYS HAVE BEEN FUCKING INNOCENT... and it's not my little innocent soul that has been twisted into a million pieces as a result of all of this.. I swear i wish i had been charge and they had attempted at a conviction, they would have been done by now.. stupid fucking cops, stupid fucking government, that's not even the best part of my day or month beca

I am starting to get fed up with a lot of things in my current living arrangement, there is way too fucking much bullshit for me to possibly keep dealing with all the bullshit that is coming with this place, I feel that every personal issue that someone else is experiencing get's directed towards me and as much as i try to fix things and make things better it seems like i get the brunt of the the vitorol from this person, i have serious fucking concerns long term about this being a safe place for my son when i get a fucking headache the same day as i pay rent, and when one has been borrowing money from someone who has even less i start to wonder exactly why i am trying to make as much of an effort to keep this place, it's not home, it's not mine, it's fastly becoming somewhere that I sleep and not someone where where i want to stay long term, i have gotten angry to often too recently and it's time to start making decisions based on the way i feel not on need. Cur

The next step in any planning for my life is to be very fucking firm with the people in my life that cause stress and conflict, one this business thing is very much a 50/50 proposition and i'm no longer going to be treated like the hired help, i am doing 95% of all the work and repairs and planning for shit because i actually have fucking knowledge of the mythology and of who and what the character's are, i have do all the research on them as well... in have other things in my life as well that take presendence and i can't wait entire days waiting on someone else, if i'm not available you can fucking wait...i wasted almost two days but the good news is that my house is getting cleaned up and stuff is moving out of my house the way i want it to, and i am getting closer to having little man home at least in my fucking mind as i set up his bed and futon and desk in his room and will soon set up the entertainment unit in their as well... it's time to start looking forw

There is some serious frustration and doubts as regards to the whole deal with the transformers, yes it's kinda fun, yes it's a hobby and not a job, even tho more and more I am starting to look at it as exactly it just a job, I don't need stressful bullshit in my life and this shouldn't be one of the things that is stressful, another thing I don't like is the waste of time waiting on others for an entire lost day, it's one thing at toy conventions and the like to deal with people but I wasted yesterday with a sale, we were not impressed, being stressed about about money isn't helping either at least at this point we should be able to move some stock without sitting on a bunch but the reality is I am only involved with this as long as it is making me and not costing me money. Current Mood: Frustrated. Frustration, although quite painful at times, is a very positive and essential part of success.

Yesterday was just a bad today today is a much, much better day and I'm not feeling so down or at war with the world, of course getting a lot of things i intended to do last night and today has helped, it's all about perspective and exactly what i'm doing with my life.. and i can't let anything keep me down, just gotta move forward and make everything work. Current Mood: Content. The successful warrior is the average man, with laser-like focus.

It is one thing to deal with assholes and the politics of these assholes at a toy convention when all i am doing with it is trying to support myself and make a daily fucking wage... but when i am getting pressure to sell by someone who is and always will be a boss and an aquiantance and nothing more, because the friendship thing is not likely to ever happen and then come home and have issues over having stuff that i move daily for big bucks is getting to me.. there is too much bullshit in my life regarding other things.. it is organized and it is my living area.. I am getting fucking sick of the nonsense at home where i do nice things and help out and spend entire days wasted to only get shit on when i take a day for myself to make some money or to deal with my friends who are buying stuff off me... it's rather frustrating to have to deal with rules constantly changing and constant complaints.. if it continues i will be apartment hunting, i need a safe place for my kid not to be

I am very happy with myself today and it is nice to finally have things going in the right direction, I like the fact that for once something is going in a positive direction that NO ONE CAN EVER TAKE AWAY from me... This current adventure is not something I need anyone else for and it is working itself out, It's stressful but it's kinda nice knowing that I can walk away from it at any time without any guilt, and while I am doing it I am having fun and meeting people with similar interest and we can shoot the shit about comic books actions figures and other interests, this beat sitting at home with a hole in my heart wallowing in self pity and the endless torment of pain of the dark cloud i have been living under for years, it's time to move forward it's time to kick some ass, No more poor pity me. Current Mood: Determined. Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.

I am happy, I have reached a place where I can see the goddamn sunrise and feel it on me without it being an overpowering amount of doom in my life, I need to keep moving forward and get things done for me as well as those around me, But the less is sit the darkness and allow myself to be dominated by it the better I'll be... Nothing ever keeps me down, they can only try to. Current Mood: Determined. Believe in yourself! Have faith in your abilities! Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy.

I have very much in my life that causes me to hate and very much in my life that anger's me and makes me think the world is s hit hole.. but i also have things in my life that make me want to keep living, maybe now more than ever i need to concentrate on the good things and let the angers and the hatreds that are blocking my way be by gone... I know that I have anger and sometimes it bubbles up to the surface even past all of the ways i use to keep it down, but I prefer being the peaceful calm and serene person i am most of the time... sometimes i let the darkside in too much and i let the things that keep me in the darkness affect me too much, It's very easy to fall for the trap of the dark side it's much easier to let the darkness overtake... but i'm still here I'm still standing... I'm not going anywhere, I am strong, the people around me are strong people and we need to remember that and keep fighting for, what we are fighting for.. because in the end that&

It's time for some real move forward, but I have been surrounded by my anger and thoughts the last few days and I wonder why certain things are as they are, One No parent should Ever be without their child, espically that child's mother, regardless of my personal feelings towards my former partner that is a line I would never ever fucking cross... and it has added to some of my angst over the last few days thinking about the possibilities and the ramifications on my life and other's that are important to me and the ramifications on theirs.. As angry As i get that is not something i could ever do.... two i ran my first con by myself and while we made good money it wasn't great and the planning was poor and while i made money i made money due to my prices and my high stress level about the whole thing, while this is a good hobby and an outlet I am kidding myself that this is going to last forever and i have be realistic and not sell the farm just to have a few bucks in my

Another reason for all the current anger and angst is the current living situiation while i have been trying to create a safe enviorment for my child and me when things come down to it the fucking reality is that this not a long term situation and the sooner i get frustrated and say fuck it all the better as there is a real reality of the fact that i may end up being taken advantage of here... i am getting extremely frustrated by some of the game playing and the fact that i may not have much of a legal leg to stand on in terms of her, not mine family court politics, I don't like being dishonest to anyone, and i like even less when it's very clear stupid political games are being played in the lives of children... i am almost regretting not moving to Windsor and helping out a friend and I am seriously debating making a trip out there to go deal with that possibility in the near future, it means a huge sacrifice one I am unwilling to make, but i also understand why I was placed i

I need to concentrate on the positive things in my life instead of allowing the anger and depression and darkness to overtake me, yes there are things in my life i cannot control due to other's actions and behaviors and there are things in my life that i can control with my own behavior, my own personal descent into my own fucking darkness is one of them, I don't need to allow it to take me over when I am hurting, I need to use it as a lightning rod and make that same darkness my strength and use it against whatever my perceived enemy is... I need to be strong not just for myself but for the others that matter in my life so I don't drag them down the same dark path that I seem to be on...I am angry, I am am depressed but I am also Determined, I am also ready for whatever challenges face me in the future, you can't break a man down from nothing when all he has is that nothing, And i do have things to be thankful for that keep me going, things like this weekend which whi

I don't know the next step, and I really don't know how to break myself of all these negative emotions inside, even when i go out and hang out with friends i still see the side of them that is dragging me down and I cannot be happy, it's time for a change i think, part of the reason for this ensuing darkness is my surroundings, i think as long as I remain in the Hamilton area i can never be happy and while it would be very easy to be pushed away, it is even easier for me to be the prick and be an asshole and stand my ground here and show that I am stronger than anything forced upon me.. I just wish the road wasn't so dark and i could see a light ahead instead of the grim reaper nipping at my already growing cold corpse. Current mood: Determined. I failed many times in my life and I have done things in the past that I'm not proud of. My past is a part of me, but it doesn't define me.

I am angry and I don't know what the next step in my evolution is going to be, while things have changed i don't have a clue as to any certainty in my life and I really don't like sitting around being a ball of rage waiting around on phone calls that might never come... the worst part is due to all the confusion in my private life i may or may not have a place i can go and hide and be myself anymore, that may also have been taken away from me due to compassion for another soul or two and respecting their privacy and silence, I want to run away and go home but that place right now is another place where i could Do more Harm than good, I do not see anything at the end of these multiple black holes except for the bring red burn of rage and anger, I know that some of it I have caused myself and I know some of it is not my own fault and i question everything Including my own sanity but I am so fed up with the world right now and it seems to b shrinking and getting smaller, i

I am not sure what the next step is and I am completely unsure of my place of being right now, I know that my dark side is equally balanced by a light side, but i find myself staring far to often in the abyss with unanswered questions and that their are days i want to jump right in and embrace the complete darkness, yet for the little lights in my night sky i choose not to...I honestly don't see anything but darkness at the end of the road and i wonder if it would be easier to succumb to the darker side and just disappear from everyone's lives and make things easier on them and find my own path once again alone.. in darkness.. I am angry at my life and my place in it and I know the reasons for the place i am in and all i can do is move forward but the longer i sit and wait in boredom and in nothing, the more i wonder about the path not chosen. Current Mood: Angry, Depressed. A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it.

A long weekend but some questions have been answered and the dark cloud approaching around me isn't as bad as it once was, I have to focus and move forward and do all the things I'm Capable of and do them well, it's not just about me and my own darkness anymore, it seems like that I have a lot more things to deal with that can keep me focused and keep me going these days... it's beeter than constantly looking into a dark hole waiting for things to end, Once agian I have an interesting life and interesting people around and goals too look forward too, it's tiring and the goals are small but it's keeping me above board keeping my mind busy and while i was going non stop all weekend it's going to lead to a place where i need to be and it's a lot less dark there, i just have to let old and new peices come into place. Current Mood: Tired, Positive. It’s choice–not chance–that determines your destiny.