Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

The man who passes the sentence should swing the sword. If you would take a man's life, you owe it to him to look into his eyes and hear his final words. And if you cannot bear to do that, then perhaps the man does not deserve to die I am Angry, And I am alone, I Know this, it doesn't matter who supports me or what friends or family surround me at certain times.... at the end of the day at this point of my life their is a void that never quite get filled, and click, click, click, i get depressed every fucking day, No wonder lately i haven't really haven't a shit about being a functioning adult citizen, the truth is, right now in society, I'm not... I'm a criminal in all but name.. a social pariah for something i haven't done... it would have been so much easier to have been a deadbeat dad instead of fighting for him with every second and with every breath i draw... then agian I don't know how to walk away, much less back down.. especially when it come

There's no guarantee that justice will win out or that a noble sacrifice will make any difference. But when it does, there's something that still swells my chest. There's magic in that.... It tells me that's the way things are supposed to be. The wait has got to be the hardest part... made worse by me in a the process of cleaning up my house i came across a video of my son made the weekend of the first visit in thorold once i had moved... i remeber how simple and innocent being a dad was back then, and while it was still a fight and a battle... it was important... he's grow up beyond my eyes, I often wonder if i had chosen to stay stagnant in Niagara falls if my life would have been any better or if i would have continued to struggle and have nothing... the only thing i can remeber back then is the core group of freinds, the people I have in my life now, both offline and online... they were there...I remeber having the exact same supports i did then that I do now

It is not a Justice System. It is just a system. I don't know where things are going, that's what the month of waiting is for... but I do know that my life is changing, and whether or not that's going to be for the better or for the worse i am not yet aware, I do know that inside I am reverting to old angry, dark, self protective ways in my life... there's no reason to trust anyone anymore.. and if they aren't there for me in my darkest hours why the fuck should i bother with them? I have to make some major decision's based on the next little Awhile and when it seems i am being thrown agianst two walls constantly and each wall is washing their hands of each other, it's time for me to get mean... It's time to fucking deal with the lawyer and make some real decision's there.... painting someone who has stalled the family court process for three years sympathetic and a concerened mother is a fucking joke.... it's about the people we are and aren&#

I'm fucking drunk due to the fact that one of the people i have in my life cares enough and about me took care of me tonight and decided i needed to escape the world for a few hours, but at this point i know that things are not over, and the battle continues.. I will finish this fight and you will have to fucking kill me to be rid of me.. i understand that at some point it becomes time to walk away and that has played heavily on my mind.. with the exception of my son the last three years there has been no fucking reason to continue to stay in Ontario, i have survived for three fucking years in the asshole of north American for far, far too long.. I'm not fucking happy... I moved to Hamilton to get a job, not to face down past demons, but that's all this city has given me, the souls of the fucking dead... and taken away that which has been most precious to me.. facilitated by those fucking idiots in Niagara with their holier than tho attitude... on one of their homegrown s

Tiger. Jujitsu. Panther. You're skilled. But this is not a dance. And you are afraid. But not of me. How the fuck can the system and you stall and have each others back, yet they won't touch you like poison, in the real proceedings that matter, this battle is over, but the waiting begins and the war hasn't came close to a conclusion. I have fifteen months to wait if i have to have that little boy use his own voice, because any time i think he was trying to tell someone what really happened, the legalese and the fact he has a lunatic putting words in his mouth to further attack me... I mean why do i have to have one of my best American friends to borrow 1.5 k because i had no one else left to ask? I've had a good career and i have had opportunities that I gave away because being a father was so much more important to me, and Now I'm being told that because she fucking decided i wasn't worthy enough of our child and she didn't like the things in my life abd

For some there is no music No lights No fire No untamed madness that breathes life There is work Anguish Frustration Rage Despair A dullness that rings like wooden thunder I Am angry but it is a focused rage today, yesterday my mind was a clusterfuck of thoughts and today I am in a much diffrent place.... it's funny when someone think's the have a winning trump card but instead it back fires on them, I understand now why all the secrecy and what they were trying to hide because on paper one thing appears to say something but when I am faced with my own visage and words it's the exact same thing I have been saying since day ONE!!!! I am Innocent, I didn't hurt my child and this is some sort of twisted revenge by my ex to eliminate me from his life and destroy me finacally... It didn't work...I don't hide from things.. i attack them head and don't back down.. My anger and rage outweigh any depression or apathy, when i set a goal, I see red and I per

Give me a minute, I'm good. Give me an hour, I'm great. Give me six months, I'm unbeatable. Today may have been a tactical error in bringing in someone who's not exactly the most brilliant person in the world to explain her case, but it was a tactical decision we made and I'll stand by it... esp. if first thing in the morning i can prove she is lying on the stand or better yet exaggerating, of course there was more than one tactical error but i am completely fine with the other one.. I know anywhere on this planet i share oxygen with her i am a fucking intimidating force, I know you are deathly afraid of me, it's why you are a coward, I don't fear you, only what you have done. i should have stayed to deal with you being hostile and crazy like your behavior suggests, but i am the better man and left to show that i was better man, If i can keep my cool under pressure and go with the game plan and expose her, I'll be fine... I've had three years to p

It has been an interesting day so far, and it is fun to watch people who have destroyed me for so long be destroyed by their own words and accusations, this is a battle... the only I am afraid of is losing my son because she decides to flee... but their are precautions in place for that, I have a game plan and we are sticking to it...As long as i hold up my head and follow the game plan and let those motherfucker's including she who shall not be named lose their cool and get frustrated or worse, I'll be fucking fine.. I'm prepared for this, I have no doubt that the outcome will be favorable, I am prepared for the worst... but at this point... it's just another end game with 2 more fucking days where other's and later myself will sweat under the fucking lights... but I have nothing to hide, and that's the final fucking end game.... that's what will end this. This battle, this last three years of Hell, a part of it ends this week.... there isn't anything l

Tommorow is the beginning of what i have been fighting agianst the goverment to attain for three years... It's time to Finish this, good or bad, there will be an ending.. i am prepared for both eventualities but I am also prepared to give them hell because this is the End, I have been waiting for this hearing for almost three years and it is time to end the situation, I have been stuck in hell because i pissed off a social worker and her supervisior and they used smoke and mirrors to destroy my life... for some this wouldn't be a death sentence, for me it has been.. but i have freinds and i have family and they have supported me thru this, even the ones angry at me and not talking to me currently..i respect all of their support, even if this is something i am doing alone... I know that they are their behind me... and some come thru in ways i have not expected... this is a battle long forthcoming and i do not claim to know any of the answers, but i do know that this will be an e

We have a new target, Marine. Form on me. We're going to war. You see one of the things i don't understand is why the hell a child can miss a month every school year without it being a child protection concern, and from reading more of the report cards i also wonder how much of her mental illness she has passed onto my child, He is definelty showing symptoms of my garbage genetics too because the famly curse has made itself into another generation, but it fucking seems like she is doing nothing about it, I have a battle to fight to next week that i will not lose, but after that, you are the one running, you are the one with something to hide... And i will continue to fight for him, with my dying breath, No Quarter will be given, you aren't entitled to that.. it's not just about destroying me, it never has been but with your apathy and your reluctance to engage in services and help for that child you are going to damn him to a similar life i had where i have to struggl

Another lawyer with a week left to go to the eventual vindication and we are now reconsindiring witness's? i wonder how much faith after 3 years the system has in winning their case, wait... I already know I'm going to win... it's just a battle to see how much mud raking both sides are going to do to each other, I and my counsel are ready for this... the fact the other team has been playing lawyer monopoly, among other issues like ethics and whatever leads me to belive that we have the upper hand and let's see what the next fucking move is... but i know this.. I am not boxed into a corner, I have played a trump card that should get the true consipirator at the bottom of the exposed, either she shows up and goes completely batshit crazy or she doesn't.. this battle isn't about her.. but her absense is just as good as i will open up a line of questioning about why someone subpeoened A.) wasn't their witness and instead was mine. B.) And why she isn't the

There is a prison in a more ancient part of the world. A pit where men are thrown to suffer and die. But sometimes a man rises from the darkness. Sometimes the pit sends something back. We are still playing Chess, but there are more pawns added to the the board now.The game isn't over but i have shifted focus, i am now facing the final battle with the goverment, the one i know that I can win, things are heading into motion that will create choas for someone other than me, and for the choas she has created in mine and his lives she fucking deserves it, i am examining options and relying on my freinds and other things to try and make that money a reality... but at this point it's not about fighting her anymore.. for the next few weeks it's about fighting them, i know that i can stand strong and see this thing thru and i have made a choice to stay for the last three years, not for family, not for freinds, not for my carreer, only for him.. it's the only reason i contin

When you're on your own-- behind enemy lines-- no artillery, no airstrikes, no hope of an evac-- you don't fight dirty. You do things that make dirty look good. Do you know what happens to a wounded animal when you corner it? It get's feral and it attacks... It, much like me will try to do whatever it needs to in order to survive, as well as if it's offspring are threatened it will attack unrelenteningly until the threat has left them alone.... you would do well to learn this lesson as I am the exact same way.. in my life there have only been three things i'm truly good at, 1. fighting 2. surviving 3.Patience. I can and will wait forever, that's nto a fucking problem. you would do well to remeber all 3.It's no longer about a loser or a winner and it's not about anything more about the right thing, the just thing.. and I don't mean justice.. because we all know that bitch is blind... but you gotta remeber, this isn't the first time i've been

This is still a war and it will not stop no matter how much I want it to.... the great manipulator is still playing games and while we may have gotten what was wanted yesterday we still have not even gotten close to anything related to my goals.. the longer this continues the longer that little boys soul continues to be poisoned and corrupted and I am sick of the game... as i said yesterday i can wait forever whether or it's going to be another year and a half of hell or eight more.. either way I'm prepared for that, what I'm not prepared for is the fucking waiting and the stalling... at his point in my life i am stripped bare, I have nothing to hide anymore, nothing left to prove.... I'm not the one trying to hide things.... I have fangs and a side of me that i strain to keep under control... i think it's time to unleash that anger in the right direction and start dealing with some of the key componenets and let my voice and not he kind and nice person i pretend to

To me, you're already dead. Stay away. Little victories we're accomplished today and things are track, showing that I had support and I that I did not fear a person who is so wrapped up in this illusion i believe that she truly belive's the things she has said and done and is brainwashing my child with, No less than two impartial observers belive that she is truly out of her gourd and that not only am i not capable of any of this, but that when given all of the revelant information they were mind blown that this illusion has continued this long... however.. a few hand's of cards were played today and some of you're illusion's were shown, This game has continued for far too long and it continues...your next step is predicatable but it should not have continued for this long in the first place... you showed your hand and have given me better ammunition for the next step and the other battle... i'm playing all of my cards and all of my chess moves as close to

Tick tock, time's up... I have an army behind me and you have no one... these is the last moments before the final end game and you have no one... I prepared for everything you can throw against me.. in my darkest hour i may stand alone... but that's always where I have stood when it come's to everything, But i have support I always have, there is only one battle left to fight and that's the same battle I started fighting when this shit began three years ago... either stand with me, stand against me or stay away, there are only two truths in this life.. black and white... as to the final battle, moments await and I am ready to unleash hell and have every moment of the last fourteen years of my life dissected to the second.... i have no fear of the outcome.. I know that you are wrong, and soon your own actions will prove that, i just have to sit back and watch you destroy yourself and hope in the process that you don't destroy him.. as he is the only reason this brok