The wait has got to be the hardest part... made worse by me in a the process of cleaning up my house i came across a video of my son made the weekend of the first visit in thorold once i had moved... i remeber how simple and innocent being a dad was back then, and while it was still a fight and a battle... it was important... he's grow up beyond my eyes, I often wonder if i had chosen to stay stagnant in Niagara falls if my life would have been any better or if i would have continued to struggle and have nothing... the only thing i can remeber back then is the core group of freinds, the people I have in my life now, both offline and online... they were there...I remeber having the exact same supports i did then that I do now.. and those people, regardless of any of my personal decision's support me... I am waiting to find out what the next step and I am playing phone tag to get things done that need to be done.... the more I think about things and examine i realize that I am second guessing myself and that if their is not an ending here, that I will have to fight more.. there isn't any real justice in this as it's not in front of a judge and i don't trust a person with motive's to continue the propagation of the children's aid societies bullshit and lies to judge fairly.. for the moment I leave my life in his hands to make a judgement, but I don't trust what the outcome will be. It doesn't help that things like A history of contempt, her mental illness and other behaviors are just swept aside.. but what I am working right now in trying to access the trauma counselling process asap because i can... means that the shadows that are being hidden in, between the cracks in the system and the law... are closing in and becoming smaller... this cannot continue.. one day you will be exposed. i have to wait for evenutal vindication and I get angrier and more depressed every day but i know this is not over... it's time to refocus, it's time to do whatever i can for my son, because at the end of the day, I won't be the only one he hates, and the paper trail i have for him, good or bad will show I fought for him and never gave up.. this blog itself will stand as testament to my thoughts as well... I often wonder which sacrifices in my life where worth it and which one's were mistakes... I left my academic career to be a dad and that will haunt me.. I left a happy little day by day existance where i had fucking nothing and had to starve myself just so i would have enough money every weekend to take care of my son, but I was happy, I moved for a job and sacrificed days with my son just so I could have a few more bucks at the end of the day for him, I have my regrets and my anger.. the worst thing i think is the fact that these so called people i sacrificed for? they didn't have my back... at this point i care and love my freinds... and some of my family.. but the end goal is always getting my son back into my arms one way or another.. and anyone that stands in the way of that goal or whose action's by intent, self protectionism, or apathy that have gotten in the way will be cast aside or worse have hell Unleashed upon, I have no fear in destroying other's lives to achieve my goal, those that have to answer for, will answer for.. you cannot aid in one person's attempt to destroy a life with a hands off policy, or worse contuining to attack me over the years... i do not have time or patience for the people in my life that are only their when they need something... I will walk away, never from him.. but some of these so called people who are not there in my hour of darkness, in my darkest hour, they are not needed. and the one's standing in my way will be obliverated. At this point it's me waiting, but I have a back up plan... I have another chess move...
Current Mood: Angry, Sad, Depressed.
Justice. I've heard that word. I tried it out. I wrote it down. I wrote it down several times and always it looked like a damn cold lie to me. There is no justice.
And let's just be honest, there is no such place called 'justice,' if by that we envision a finish line, or a point at which the battle is won and the need to continue the struggle over with. After all, even when you succeed in obtaining a measure of justice, you're always forced to mobilize to defend that which you've won. There is no looming vacation. But there is redemption in struggle.
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