Never fucking let buisness become freindly, I'm sick of so called freinds with every excuse in the book either trying to take advantage or worse outright stealing from me. I'm fed up with it both on a personal and a professional level. It's very easy to fucking walk away from something when my heart is no longer in it at all. It's fucking sad that this thing that has sustained me for 3 years and saw the flames of battle on more than one occasion has become something I no longer give a rats ass about. I seem to have about a 2/3 year patience level for anything when it comes to employment and the sad part is that after that it becomes a burn out situation, I have long since been burnt out by the toy crap yet some how I limp along, waiting to be done waiting for there to be an end, I'm both fed up and waiting for that final cash out where I can justify myself and walk away. It would be easier if it wasn't such a joke to the people that actually take this shit seriously, I have never seen it as anything more than another job, something that pays my legal bills and puts something in my fucking pocket. That's it, I don't care about it, not the people involved in it and not the toys themselves not any more, the reality is that these cool things except for a handful that will end up in a glass prison have utterly no meaning to me.... And are just a noose around my neck. Some people at every level of my life do not deserve loyalty and it's time for me to realize that because for far too long I have tried to please everyone, and be a good person and a good soldier, but that's not who I am, it's better to have a mercenary attitude and a warriors fire, that way no one friend or for can bring me down, any real battles I have are over a decade old and the reality is the battle for him is the only battle that I have, the only one that matters. I have no time for pathetic little people with excuses and jokes for reasons as to why they can't fucking pay up. I'm more than fed up with anyone who affects my life in a negative way esp those that think being my freind to gain a negative advantage over me is a good idea, I broom people out of my fucking life for a lot less. Three years ago I fucking bailed out of this city for an extended period and went home and went back to a life where I am truly myself, then I came home and this shit started for me shortly afterwards, 2 1/2+ years later and I nothing to show for it save some fancy toys, I don't care anymore, the things that have defined me in this life have always been someone's else's greed and my fucking reaction to it, that's a sad fact of life and nothing is ever going to change it. I shouldn't have to think and double guess things because of other fucking people.
Do you know what it's like to live in the moment? To live every one of then like it's your last because it distracts from the fucking fact that there are plenty of dark places within my life and in my memories? When it truly comes down to it, there are few places where my mind have known peace or at least places that my mind has been focused and the goals have been clear without any fucking distractions. How fucking sad is the fact that in 1994 living on my own on the streets I was more at peace than I am now, 21 years ago, no agendas, no battles, other than one mans chance for survival, I was hungry and angry, but I was innocent, I hadn't seen the darkest parts of humanity yet, it took years for me to learn that, it took forever for me to learn how to truly hate a person, sure, back then I had anger and rage, but it wasn't focused or refined, I wasn't a gun yet, I wasn't yet that bullet. Back then I was raw, ready to be weaponized. Then I found something to be in my life, years I spent trying to be that something, and I got one thing right, and even tho it took me years, I accomplished what I wanted to in 2002, a year of wanting to run away from everything I had known in a place I had never set down roots in minus a few wise friendships, it made me who I am, but the whole first time in Niagara it was a test of strength and force of will to finish, the only true expectation was myself, but there were roadblocks throughout those three years that define who I am today, roadblocks that followed me to Windsor, if I had just walked away god knows where my reality would be, but that would be the easy way, even when I did walk away and had my life back in 03, normality was never going to be in the plans. I need strife, I need the battle to challenge me, I always work better under pressure, when I'm angry I'm superior, something anyone that wishes to lock horns with me should attempt to remember. I don't handle fear well because there are only a handful of things in this universe I truly fear and most regardless I will stare right in the fucking eye and say come get some. There is only one thing I truly fear that I am powerless agianst, and until that day comes I refuse to accept that it ever fucking will.
Some of my best memories involve these stupid little pieces of crap I sell, the one Christmas I could truly provide on my terms without judgement he got a bunch of them and early mornings of daddy can you fix ie transform them, will always be a favorite memory regardless of how bitter I am about they toy collecting politics or about anything relating to the war. It's both a tribute and an eternal sadness that he will not see the fact that I had a bunch of things that had to be sold, at this moment I am trying to find the diffrence between survival and keeping some of these things to make sure that at the end of the day that some of these takara and masterpiece and other items are kept even when it's bittersweet because he may have outgrown toys, it's more a tribute to the fact that it was once his hobby and something that mattered to him that meanwhile has created an income for me and has created a way for me to continue to fight every battle, theirs only one left. The truth is whatever ends up on a glass shelf is whatever's left. One more show to go, one last blast after I know the truth of my situation. It has sustained me, the hope therein is that there will no longer be a battle to fucking fight, but that's a highly dubious hope, I have no true faith into the battle being over. I only expect to continue to be broken, but in September something in my life has to end, something has to break, I cannot continue to fight two battles in my life, one I cannot and will not ever walk away from, a second the battle I can and will walk away from is this toy collecting bullshit. It will stand as a monument to who I once was, same as everything I've written and the college diploma I have buried in the closet, something I have tried to forget for the last few years but the truth is their is unfinished business there, I need to go back regardless of the situation in September, regardless of how much longer I have to fight. But I would rather deal with the politics and backstabbery of child welfare than the pathetic politics and childish behaviour of the toy scene. At least when it comes down to being a child and youth worker, even if it's thru gritted teeth and anger I am and will make a difference, it's who I am, it's who I fought on multiple occasions to be. It's not like this toy collecting crap which has only one distinct connection to my old life, the fact that what got me dealt into the situation was my sons old toys. Now I have ten feet of junk worth too much money for me to care but the reality is very soon the only thing they will represent is the fact that for a little while, I took another path while I fought to return to my old life. They will be sealed within glass and be like everything else in my life merely a memory. You can't put you're arms around a memory. I can't see a place anywhere in my lifetime where this collection of things will ever have any emotional importance other than the few items that predate the war that he actually played with. The things that defined what he was, the things that helped to define me as a daddy. The only person I ever fucking cared to be, as far as he was concerned.
The saddest part of everything is I can remember a time around 2005 when this was only a battle and not yet a war, when I still had elements of the man I used to be and things I liked were not albatross around my neck. The Wicca, the comic books and the video games, even fighting this battle often on a daily basis I still found time to have fun and be the person I used to be, now it dominates every waking moment, there is nothing left inside, just hatred, anger and disillusionment. There could have been so many other things I could have done in this life instead of being a hollow shell tied to a certain moment due to someone else's selfishness. This adventure, this battle, this war, for what's at the end of it, for the responsibility involved, I wouldn't have changed a damn thing, I'll go to the grave knowing I did the right thing by my son against his mothers greed, hate and anger. What kind of person destroys a child to gain an advantage on someone they hate? If the situation was reversed I would never have taken the nuclear option, you may have destroyed me Jennifer, but you also know I bask in the flames, everything burns, but I burn brightest in hellfire when I know that the fire of hell has no illusions for me because I have felt you're fucking flames of your lips and lies upon my soul, worse than that I've felt those flames upon his damaged little soul, do your worst to me, here....I'll even provide the gasoline, burn me down, I'll just keep coming back, it's not about revenge, it's not about vengeance, it's about being a father, it's about being the man I want to be, the man I want him to grow up to be, the warrior, the one man that will not back down or abandon him in this lifetime, I have made choices in this life I regret, I have fought battles when it was better to have been silent, and I have fought wars that would have shaken lesser men to the core, I might not have anything left within, but as long as I stand, I fight, no matter how boxed in I become, no matter the odds, there is always an alternative, there is always another angle, as long as this heart beats then this man is a weapon, but not of offence, never violent only a Shield, only used in defensive posture because that's who I need to be, feel fucking free to break you're sword over and over agian upon my chest, I'll not break, I might feel pain and the shrapnel of your emotional abuse but this chest of mine has seen worse, there's nothing left you can do to take my spirit, there's nothing left you can take or do to destroy me any less, when all that's left is a black broken soul inside, I slowly limp along, it's not my soul I'm worried about saving, if I go to hell it's deserved, I'm going to rule, but that's not where my child's soul deserves to be, I can't think how corrupt you must be to twist something as pure as the life we created into a weapon against me, everything you have given that child in your life will leave him as broken as me, worse even. I will continue to fight because that's the only good part of my soul that's left, whatever fire that burns within burns brighter than the fire you have ignited without. There's nothing you can say or do to me anymore to make me back down, nothing you can do to destroy me anymore, that times in the ducking past. Once I let myself be vulnerable and exposed my back to you, now I embrace your last hand of poker freely, I give you my back for you're every knife, show me what you have left, use my spine for a cutting board, cut me to bits, destroy me agian and agian and agian, watch me stand tall, watch me rise, I may be broken, I may be damaged, the sane thing you have done to that life you and I created together, you can destroy the heart of a man, you can send him into a hell worse than any purgatory, but as long as a piece of my soul lies within that little man, you will never truly beat me, I can take everything you got and then some, my skeleton is stronger than your flames. My mind, checkmate in 3. Let's play. Let's see whose left standing. For this war, I barter whatever's left of my soul, but only in exchange for his. There was a time in my life where I just would have wanted to give into the pain and stare down a bottle and be the broken man that I am wanted to be, but you know me better than that, that's you're family's weakness not mine, I'd rather stare you down, win or lose, this approaching ending, it's gonna be victory or death regardless, at the end of the day something within one of us will die, but it will never be my resolve or a fathers love for his son, no matter what knives you introduce into my back, you're words and actions are immaterial, you have have shown you're maturity, a sad person at 41 fighting a battle I thought was done in our 30s. You're always going to be the better half of nothing, but me and my child are better than that, we are better than you, we are and will never fucking be defined by who you are. I've always felt like a prisoner in this life of mine, regardless of shattered moments of happiness, my childhood, my darkness will always come back to bite me and hurt the ones I love, I thought that we wanted better than for him, I thought you were a better person than that, clearly I was fuckin wrong. I know what it's like to live for years in one moment in time however I've always lived in this reality, not another, I live in the real world not something in my mind that I've created, there's a fucking irony to the fact I'm the one accused of telling fucking stories and creating
Current Mood: Anger, Bitterness
Current Music: Anastasia, Ben Moody, Everything Burns
A coward dies a thousand times, a soldier dies but once.
I'd rather die like a man, than live like a coward
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