I am in a very dark place for multiples of reasons and it's not going to get any better in the near future, the only things I can think about are anger, rage and hate. I have tried for most of my fucking life to use my own internal darkness and anger toward good ends but I have gotten to a fucking point to when the only thing left for me to use it for is to protect myself and my little boy, everyone else in this world at this point, I don't give a fuck about. It's time to close borders and show the world how fucking dark and angry I can be, there's nothing left in my immediate life that brings me joy, everything now is a fucking anchor bringing me down into the deep dark sea, into the darkness if the abyss, I've stared long enough into the abyss to become one with it, if I'm supposed to be a monster why do I fight this fucking battle, why can't I give up? There is a reason and it's for a soul that will always be 100% purer than mine and his corrupt fucking mothers. No matter what she has told him. I'm sick of playing emotional chess with fucking people who only have their own fucking agendas at play. It's sad that for four years all I have had is this battle and that it consumes my every fucking moment, affects my every fucking action. It doesn't matter what else I have had and/or been given. This battle has lasted a decade, the war has lasted half of that. I don't know how much I have left to give, when I fucking stare into a mirror it's hard to figure out who I am anymore, save the fact I am his father, save the fact I am a child and youth worker. Those are and always will be the two things that define me, not anything else. I've fought to be both. I'll continue to fight to be who I am, even if I don't know who that is anymore.
As for anyone else that I choose to involve in my life and/or fight for? Those relationships are being reevaluated as to their fucking importance and to the damage that they can and have caused in my life, I have little or no fucking faith in old freinds and so called allies at the moment. Everyone has a fucking agenda and only a few at any given time that I allow into my inner circle can be truly trusted. How many fucking times have I learnt that the hard way? Exp. when the cunt constantly has the knives in my back, knives that have scarred, wounded, and been withdrawn to do the same, over and over agian, no fucking wonder I have trust and faith issues, no wonder I cannot truly trust or have faith in anyone? It was taught to me as a child and then it was fully clarified to me by the mother of my child, the true love of my life, you cannot trust anyone and give your soul to them because it's always about what you can offer them. Everyone in the end will betray you, it's just a matter of degrees. Sometimes I think it's better to feel nothing than to have all this emotion inside, the anger, the rage, the hate. I almost wonder if that's what you have inside you, but I know you better than that, for all the hate you have given me, you have taught our son that a thousandfold with your actions. I just hope that the fact remains that whatever love I have left in this broken chasm in my chest, this black hole of a heart, the little that is left beating, that their is enough love left within to help him deal, that little bit of love, the only thing that I have left, my hope is one day it will help him heal. Right now I have it hidden away underneath everything because it's all I have left, and I will fight to the end of my days to keep that spark alive, if need to be to keep that part if me hidden. You may have left me a broken and defeated man, but you forgot to kill me completely, as long as I draw breath I will fight you. I have nothing truly left.Part of getting away from Hamilton for as long as I have recently is to ignore my demons, but it is now time to face those same demons head on and come what may. This is my world and I need to deal with it on my terms. I can't escape it anymore by pretending it doesn't exist because If I do that it's been made clear to me new demons will appear. Sometimes I think it's easier just to deal with old habits and old demons because those are the things I know, that's the battle I know, what is the fucking point of letting people in when they will always betray you? There are things I'm walking away from as the realization of my true reality sets in and the only things that truly matter In my life, then as well as now have been stripped away. I started with nothing I guess that in some deeply disturbed way it's poetic justice that I end with nothing, as the battle strips even the bones from my back....
Another thing I cannot fucking stand about this city is the fucking fact that I cannot get away from these fucking panhandlers asking for fucking change or smokes night and fucking day right up to my fucking door, it's happened too many times recently and the one kicker is the asshole in my parking spot is freinds with some of these crackheads and when they try and say "hey man, I know Raymond," I'm like "hey man, I know lead pipe." The fact a couple weeks ago I nearly choked a bitch out for aggressively trespassing and panhandling on my property makes me fucking hate this town oh so very fucking much. They have no respect, another one this week, the unwritten rule in Toronto when I was on the fuckin streets was you don't ask people with kids for change, of course I step out of my house and what happens, fuck hamilton crackheads. I've been there at skid row more recently than I'd like to fucking admit. But I never other than the beer and the hard liquor had any addictions to feed and I was just a partier back in the days of my drunken dubachery, it's never affected my ability to function as a normal, respectful human being. Sometimes when I stare down this face in the mirror I don't know who I am anymore, my life has pulled me into this weird direction where people on the internet are more real than most of the cutthroat cocksuckers in this city, but I never forget where I came from, my morals and my ethics, I am someone diffrent now, but not so changed that I don't know I am, I just know that the man that I used to be is dead, he's been damaged and changed beyond all repair, I'm someone else now.
It's fucking interesting how some people think I'm the fucking bad guy in this life whether it be the fucking toy bullshit where I work faithfully making some other asshole money for years at some great personal cost, but because it did serve an agenda I did not complain, it was a means to a fucking end. If you don't know the situation and know that I'm left holding the fucking bag with bills and the fucking ten foot high pile of crap in a fucking locker after some asshole disappears don't fucking cast judgement esp, if your a fucking psychopathic man child that lives in his fucking pathetic store pretending to be comic book guy from the Simpsons, I'm more of a man than you are, people are judged by their actions towards children, you sir have fucking failed. The last of my fucking worries is the fucking fact that after 7 months this paradise apartment has turned to shit just like I thought it would, I have more than enough fucking reason to give notice and walk away with all the bullshit swirling around, late night parties, loud music and possible drug dealing don't sit well with me, I don't need that bullshit on my fucking life, Just like another person here we won't fucking mention, not when we are so close to judgement day when both of our lives and illusions will be on trial and exposed for what they are, I just wish I had any faith in the process and what it is, I don't, I don't trust it, I know it's corrupt and it's a joke, just like her and her pathetic life, I've moved on from that one moment in time and it seems fitting that their may be a conclusion but not an ending 15 years after the day we first met. Nothing's over while I'm breathing and I do not believe shy of full fucking custody with no acess I won't face fucking bullshit the rest of his life as a minor as long as she's involved, I'm going to use every bullet in my gun, and every piece of ammunition I got and then some, no mercy and no regret, no surrender no matter the cost. That fights been a decade you think I care about some petty collecting cocksucker in comparison, I came to fight, I came to win. The only reason there is an question I'm still in the battle is for my sons best interests and well being. They are not being served by the systems of protection, so it leaves me, and me alone to fight that battle, if it was just you and fucking me Jennifer, I cut you loose in 2003 for good without looking back, I'd have done the same the rest of my life if it hadn't been for him, I'd never back down from my responsibilities to him regardless, but there is a reason to fight, I'll fight, as long as I draw breath. I don't have time to deal with other peoples bullshit and/or their emotional drama, I have enough of my fucking own.
It does not fucking help when people I am dealing with are selfish cocksuckers but then agian, inner circle is not somewhere any of these toy assholes are ever going to be, I've long since learned my fucking lesson on that one, I'm just sick of the fact I cannot plan anything because people are oh noes, I can't deal with my responsibilities because I've chosen to buy crap but not pay for it, I'm fed up, all I have left is one more big show and then I'm done I'll design my man cave and go back to what I really need to do with my fucking life. This was a fucking shitty distraction and it is fitting that it will end at approximately the same time as the current ongoing court battle does, then again on that front, nothing will ever truly end. But this toy bullshit has to, I'm not going to an early grave and alienating the wrong people again just because of money and plastic. There are nice things but the reality is I have been skid row before and if I have to I will be agian, it's better than dying over some fucking anger over retarded toys, this was never really my intention to have this thing limp along all this time like a retarded zombie, but until I free my self of the albatross of this bullshit around my neck it will always be there. I'm sick of it. Truly at the end of the day when it comes down to it this bullshit isn't important in my fucking life, it was, is and has been a means to an end. That's it. Now it's costing me money and fucking frustrating me, it's time for it to end, no longer a question of how, it's a question of when and I have set a confirmed fucking date now because I want to be done because there is no longer any reason to continue. I don't like dealing with money issues and peoples bullshit and drama in my personal life I'm not about to deal with hangers on and jack assery from people that just buy fucking toys because they have nothing else to do with there lives, obviously this is just a small part of mine that helps me remeber once upon a time I was a father. I'm sick of dealing with selfish punks and assholes, it's time for an end. I have real things In my fucking life to focus on. After three + years of this shit I'm no worse and no better off than I ever was, all I have now is bills I never would have had otherwise and headaches that should not exist. It should not take a fucking month to see dime one from some asshole that thinks he calls himself my freind. I'm sick of Being a fucking mercenary.
Current Mood: Pissed Off.
I wasn’t part of the world that cringed at such things. And with a smile, I realized that I was of that dark ilk that makes others cringe. Slowly and with great pleasure, I laughed.
Don't you see? It is a new age. It requires a new evil. And I am that new evil.
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