Defeat is only defeat if we accept it as defeat. Victory often comes after defeat, because one was too stubborn to allow it to be their reality. In the trail of any great conflict you will see the scuff marks, where the one was beaten down, but they could not be taught to stay that way
How you react when your back is against the wall will determine if you see what's actually over the wall
I have become at this very moment convinced that I will not see my son or be able to hang out with him freely until he is a man at 18 and I will be fighting this war until then, I don't have the energy for that. I have lost faith in the judicial system but never my child. But I am prepared to be in a very fucking dark place in September. I don't feel that I have been listened to at all by current legal counsel and while I do trust his judgement I feel like I am being set up for another failure and I am done playing the game of lawyer shopping. I don't know how many more ounces of blood I have to give and of my soul to continue this war. It's clear the manipulation of my little boy agianst me will never fucking end. I have not read the new report by my girlfriends request as of this point but I do know some of the finer points and it pretty much does confirm most of my suspicions from the past year as well as validates my opinion of most people in the child welfare sector as being cutthroat scum. As always it's a corporate buisness not something to truly help children as long as there is money to be made. I'm tempted to ask for a refund because of the unprofessionalism but at moment I'm willing to let it ride because of the fact that whatever September is, it is the end game at this stage, like with everything in my life that involves him and his mother however, there will not be a true ending until that child is of age, that day will be the true reckoning. I am convinced right now she has taken him completely away from me and a lot of that has to do with the complancey of the legal system. The fact that the trauma and pain and abuse (something at this point I am starting to firmly consider May have actually happened to him at another's hand and his mother has covered it up) has been the story of his life as well as the fact that other than a few years of his life we have been constantly on court fighting for him makes me think that win or lose, good or bad that there has to be a fucking end. He will always be my son and I will always love him but I don't know how much longer I can summon the strength for battle when I am not being supported by those who are supposed to be supporting me legally. I don't trust the system I never have, those motherfuckers raised me and have me a heart as cold as rock. But at this point finding out things like the fact that information has been released that has a court order to have been destroyed as a result of expungement yet still fucking exists for some reason and the fact that I am claimed to be a delusional psychopath will delusions about relationships with people that there in photographic and transcripts evidence to support my case. I wonder how I can lie about a woman that has been in my life on and off since 91 and I am practically the father to her daughter, yup I lied about that relationship to save my ass. There's a fucking reason that woman's still a friend but one that is kept very far away from me, I don't need her fucking drama in my life, I don't need the fact that when she was needed she was interviewed in front of the partner she was trying to leave and couldn't speak. The system has an agenda. I won't destroy friendships or not stand up when bedders by them, but when a decisions is made like that I give them a lot of fucking distance, same with other imaginary friends I currently have. I've invented there drama in my head right? It's time to let the bitch show her true colours and let her hang herself, here have some fucking rope.
I don't trust anyone anymore and I have very low expectations for the end of this now because at the end of the day there will be nothing. Except more manipulation. I have spent far far to fucking long managing my anger to have had to deal with this bullshit to the point this week I have constantly been on edge and ready to fucking snap at everything with the environment around me, if I am crazy the fucking world and this fucking battle over the last four and half years has made me this way. I don't know what the next step in my life is going to be but I do know that there is some finality to the oncoming storm, and I need to be prepared for whatever happens next. I also need to have a fucking game plan for every eventuality. I've always been prepared to loose. It's the fact that I feel that we are in a losing race even though we have enough to win this case smacks of apathy, class judgement and sheer lack of any emotional attachment by all interested party's other than me.fuck Em, so what. My mind is playing tricks on me and second guessing everything, it would be so much easier to get violent but Only the weak succumb to brutality.. it's time to end this and it's time to be the better man win or lose. I'm sick of complete lies and half truths taken verbatim as facts because of the position in life and carter she holds, I helped her get there and she has always found opportunity to destroy any of my attempts to better myself and my career and in fact taken away some of those opportunities with her bullshit. She can't destroy me completely ever and every time she does I have came back stronger just like a reborn phoenix, I have fear of many things, paramount among them losing my son, I do not fucking fear her. I play every scenario in my fucking head and the trust level for a lot of people involved in my life is very fucking low, I have bullets and a loaded deck, I don't have any illusions about this fight and the place these things are going, I just hope he does not hate me for never giving up on him and continuing to fight for him.... Because I will never ever fucking walk away.
I do not like or trust anyone in this case and the more information I learn about certain individuals the more I am convinced that in the final hours everything the past few years all this anger, stryfe and sacrifice will amount to fucking nothing because other people in the family law system know how to play the political game to their advantage while all I can do is be the big bad asshole warrior with the the big mouth, all I know how is how to fight, that's all I've done for over a fucking decade. I'm a warrior, I don't have hopes and dreams, I just go to battle. I just never give up. The fact that others manipulate the words and actions of others constantly even they have been proven to be fucking false and that the system acts only to protect itself at all costs even at the cost of a little boys soul, but that's not surprising because manipulation had been the name of the game for the last four and a half years. I no longer have the patience for anyone involved in this battle to feed me bullshit and manipulative lies, either stand with me, stand against me or stand in my fucking way. Right now my belief is someone involved intimately in the case is standing in my fucking way, and that's not a safe fucking place to be, this is and only ever will be about my son and I have no problem putting someone without his best interests at heart or worse, possibly damaging the case in the fucking crosshairs, my patience is fucking gone, my world is gone, men like me don't get comfort, men like me don't get luxury, all men like me get is to feel the heat and pain if war, I've made my peace with that, but deserters and betrayers will get there own justice. I've got no problem fighting this battle on my own, I don't need back up, not from people I don't fucking trust. I know what's on the line, ten fucking years+ of bullshit and you expect me to be shovelled the same brand of bullshit from the fucking courts once agian? We all know how this is gonna fucking end, it's just a matter of time, I may be a man with nothing to live for, save one thing. But what happens when you threaten the same from a woman with no empathy, no emotions, a woman who has no grasp on her own reality, someone who has for a decade manipulated the system about her own child? That bitch will lose in court, that bitch will flee, I have no doubts that is her next step. You cannot hide behind the courts and bullshit for so long, there will be a day of reckoning. There will be a day where she takes everything that's left that important to me in my life and disappears. I have no fucking doubt at this moment that day is coming. On that day I will truly be a broken man, because I will have nothing left. Not anymore.
Current Mood: Angry, Disillusioned.
Current Music: The Devil To Pay, Iced Earth
No. Don't give up hope just yet. It's the last thing to go. When you have lost hope, you have lost everything. And when you think all is lost, when all is dire and bleak, there is always hope.
If you really believe in what you're doing, work hard, take nothing personally and if something blocks one route, find another. Never give up.
You may be the only person left who believes in you, but it's enough. It takes just one star to pierce a universe of darkness. Never give up
Comments