1.A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
2.A robot must obey the orders given it by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
3.A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Laws.
How the flying fuck does an eleven year old know asimovs three laws of robotics in a real world working capacity? It's a defence mechanism and a serious clue that thanks to his mother that he does not live in the real world. I don't know what the future holds and there is a lot of anger and resentment and there are some serious things to consider in the long run, including a long road back but I have no illusions and made it very clear I'll never stop fighting for my son, but my illusions have been shattered, there's not an expectation I'll have normal unsupervised access to my boy until his 18th birthday, that is my new reality, I also have no illusions that this chess game, this war, this final battle is no where near it's end game. This is just another part of something that will take up the rest of his childhood, and the fact we have spent his life in court, will always be upon you, that's not my sin, that's yours. My sin is the one of never backing down, my sin is loving my son, damn me to hell for it, since day one it's always been my function. Welcome to day two. This war is never going to end. I just need to be able to counterpoint every chess move that is attempted. I have regrets and I have mistakes but the one mistake I have not made and the one thing I will never regret is fighting for my boy, fighting for my son. The fact this is the right thing to do will never be in question. I will always question why it took 4 and a glad years to get to this point and clearly there will never be an ending. As long as she lives in an alternate reality that she has fed my son the same shattered glass reality where it's better to live in his movies and books because that protects his young mind than to do deal with the real world because he thinks no one protects him, I will always be here in the real world, living in the real, fighting so that one day he will have some semblance if a normal relationship with me. Too much time has been taken away and it's clear that more time wil be taken. I've played this psychological chess for far too fucking long. I'm done with it, it's your move bitch, but the sad fact is there ain't gonna be a stalemate anymore, you're action and choices will force you into checkmate on you're own, and any further stalling only gives that little boy his own voice, so in two weeks let's go to war, one last time, one last battle, my ideologies, my way of life, my beliefs and ethics versus all of yours. That's what this is truly about, that's all it will ever be about. The fact you can't handle I came from nothing, a broken victim of the system with nothing and built myself up to something you can never control, something you can never break down. I wasn't born with the silver spoon in my mouth. I have felt sympathy in the past for you because of what has happened in your life, I can't imagine dealing with that, I can't imagine dealing with it myself, I had a hard time dealing with it actually, I can't imagine how you deal with it, but I am prepared to be there when he asked every question, even when he asked why that you betrayed him, not just agianst me, but also her, why you took that piece of crap in that night, it's easy for me I don't have to live with that burden, but you do, and thanks to you, so does he, that's the reason you get no quarter, that's the reason I will never stop. Because of you in his and your darkest hour I wasn't allowed to be there for him, you know what that feels like? It hurts like hell. It's just one more of your knifes that you have shoved repeatedly into my spine, that's never gonna be my albatross, it will always be yours.
Anyone thinking that they can or will preach to me on decisions made by me can kiss my ass too, it's been four and a half fucking years and the most likely scenario is just more fucking counselling and basic bullshit access, another few years of war and stalling because all that's left, her weapons are gone, it's just the rest of the game we have to see through. I have to be an intimidating presence, there are things that have happened in court and in our personal lives that should have destroyed her utterly but were not acted upon. So if I have to fucking yell, intimidate or threaten people or make them feel that way so fucking be it. I know I'm a big guy with a loud voice with a checkered past, you don't want me to show up at your office in my old leathers in a bad mood. I don't expect anyone to protect me or my child I can do that on my own. I expect people to follow instructions and do their fucking jobs and not have mutual freinds fucking pipe in, regardless of the fact that at one point they were respected. My circle of trust does not extend to mutual freinds. When I have an issue with someone I trust I get my fucking facts together and know exactly what I'm going to fucking say when I confront someone. I speak to them directly. Some people I only stay friendly with because I fucking have to. There are few I still respect in the family court system and trust me by the way I address them they know the level respect I have for them. It frustrates me having to be the one that has to rally my allies above and beyond what they have agreed to do. My old friendships run deep, my son is the only thing I'm fighting for, I have no quarter for anyone that doesn't support that. But I don't like doing all the fucking legwork two weeks before, that's bullshit, and it means I have to exert pressure on people that have always had my back. 4 and a half years we've had to fucking prepare, and 2 weeks ahead of it I have to make changes? This has been a very long war, there have been alliances made and I have reached out to people that are unreliable and have betrayed me on multiple occasions. At this point in my life I don't have time for people I don't need, I have enough in my life that I want there, the next month is my next trial by fire, I will once again be fucking tried by fire, but this time if it brings you down with me, I'm ready to burn.
I am in fight mode, and I don't need family and freinds making decisions for me that affect me financially long after money earmarked for certain places has been spent, certain decisions on all levels are being made for me instead of with me and I have to make decisions now that will stay with me and my son for the rest of my fucking life, those choices take precedence, those bills take precedence, I'm not going to argue and fight and chase people. If it comes down to it I'll manage on my own just like I always have. This is my fight, mine alone and I'll manage it on my own, it doesn't matter who in this world I have in my life or don't. And trust me on every level of my life that's being fucking reevaluated too, stand with me, stand aside or be in my fucking way. Those are your only choices in my life. Too many people right now are the latter and they will get broomed out of my fucking life in a heartbeat, it's happened before, it will happen again. I don't have room for controlling people in my life regardless of who they are, my sons mother tried and failed to control me, and is controlling and brainwashing him, I don't have time for anyone attempting and failing to do it to me, no matter who they are, esp. 2 weeks before fucking trial. Right now that's all that should matter, it's all that does matter to me period. Anyone who gets in the way of that or chimes in with be nicer to you're lawyer or other aspects of my life and my current choices and decisions can go to hell. I don't have time or the mental space right now to hear it, I have too much on my mind and am stuck at the last minute making preparations I was prepared to do a month ago at last minute, I am not impressed, but the trial is my only current focus period, I need to restore my relationship with my son and eventually get him home period. Nothing else matters.
I should not be giving any type of fucking concern what my next move is other than how it affects my son, I do not care who the pressure is coming from, the only thing I should be focusing on right now is dealing with the war. I shouldn't be dealing with little things that are less paramount than that. My status quo should not be changing until I have some semblance of our lives for the next six years, I've spent a decade fighting for him and to keep my head above water, I've survived, right now I'm in a decent place on my life and I don't want to change anything period, I have to have my 2 bedroom in Hamilton for me and my little boy, for the moment, for the next few years that's not going to change, and even if something was to change there's a back up plan to continue to have the status quo here at home. The city my son considers my home and by extension at some level, his home, period. As for some of my so called fucking freinds, if you can't be bothered to be solid and around for when I fucking need you and only leeches and drains on my fucking life, get the fuck out of my life. I'm not tolerating anyone anymore that has a negative impact on my fucking life period. Sick of people's stupidity and there fucking retarded actions affecting my life and my finances negatively. I do not have fucking time for that kind of bullshit anymore. Jesus Christ, one more year and I'll be fucking forty. I don't have time for people that don't contribute anything but headache and heartache to my fucking life. Period.
I have one goal and one Life goal left in my life and everything else is immaterial because there is only one fucking thing that's important and that's my son, i'mfucking ready to walk away from everything else in my life, relationships, this stupid toy thing, people that owe me fucking money, everything. there's only one thing that's important to me and I've had nothing but my guitar and a street corner before when i was fighting this battle... the sad fact is I'd have been done long ago if that was all i had fucking left, but at this point it's a very tempting place to wax nostalgically for... it's only my resolve that keeps my shit together and keeps me standing when i have a broken soul that is shattered into fifteen million fucking pieces. that's all have left is the will, the resolve to finish this... and bitch, I am smarter than you, and whatever you have taught him can be undone somehow. it's about putting all the chess pieces and all the cards in the right places and finishing this game that we have been at for over a fucking decade and finishing the fucking game, because that's all this war is to you, A game involving His Innocent little soul.... and you think you can manipulate the chess pieces as you'd like... that's not fair to him and the sooner you're influence isn't the only one he knows the better.
Everything else who the fuck cares.
Current Mood: Pissed Off
Current Music: Eminem, Survival
I am your enemy, the first one you've ever had who was smarter than you. There is no teacher but the enemy. No one but the enemy will ever tell you what the enemy is going to do. No one but the enemy will ever teach you how to destroy and conquer. Only the enemy shows you where you are weak. Only the enemy tells you when he is strong. And the rules of the game are what you can do to him and what you can stop him from doing to you. I am your enemy from now on. From now on, I am your teacher.
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