I'm sick of fake fucking freinds pulling bullshit on me. I shouldn't have to wait on agreed upon money because you want this stupid plastic crap or me around to cover your ass. I do everything for these fucking people and when it comes to me needing something it's like I'm black or something and they fucking forgot me or some shit. Right now I'm in a dark place and re evaluating my life and some of my fucking decisions and I don't know the next step but I do know that a lot of the wheat from the chaff is going to be cut down and most of the poisons in my life are going to removed, plastic crap freinds or not. I have made some very hard choices and changes recently and had to accept some serious truths. You either stand with me, agianst me or you get the fuck out of my way. I don't have time to fucking deal with people who are only there for me when it's fucking convient for them to be or when they need something, esp when they skuttle like fucking cockroaches when I need them. I'm sad and depressed more often than I need to be, I should be coming off a fucking high from an awesome weekend last weekend and all I feel is sadness, anger and hate and I'm quick to temper and I'm afraid of offending those I love so I keep my trap shut instead of telling them and others how I truly feel. It's not easy with all the bottled up anger that I have to keep inside for moment, I have learned how to deal with it, but it's not easy, esp. When there has always been a fucking agenda, and it's never been mine. I don't need this fucking grand theft auto: inner city stories bullshit every time I come to my fucking apartment with a vehicle. The fucking douchebag blocking me in doesn't even live on the fucking property and trust me, he's the least of my fucking issues at the moment, but he is one that is going to make some other decisions very fucking easy to make esp. When my douchebag landlord won't fix a fucking problem that has been building for fucking months. I don't pay 900 bucks a month plus fucking hydro not to have a fucking parking spot the few fuckin days a week I need it. The fact I'm seriously thinking of giving notice and renting a townhouse even tho I love my fucking apartment is because of bullshit like the parking, the loud music below during the day and now the possible fact there is a child next door. I hate to fucking sound like a crotchety bitter old man but the fucking truth is, if mine and my loved ones, specifically the loved one I share the apartment with can't expect a certain standard of living. Fuck it, I'm moving on. There are options. I don't give a shit about other peoples lives or their drama, I have enough of my fucking own. I'm sick of being dragged into other peoples affairs. It's not my circus so it's not my monkeys, I'll take care of myself and that is it thank you very fucking much.
#fuckingfedup
This week just will not end any fucking joy I get I have to deal with darker and darker things. I'm fed up with crisis after crisis both mine and others. Just cuz I feel for people I don't care to be involved past things on a basic respect level. I have my own things going on and it needs to take priority, that being said when I need to be there for people I don't fucking question doing it. I'm trying to maintain everything in my life that makes me fucking happy and it's really fucking sad that I can't even be fucking fictional with that without constantly looking over my shoulder and worrying about a million other issues, I'll be honest in relation to more than a few people I feel like I'm being fucking used, but then agian given my life that's par for the fucking course. I'm getting really fed up with the fact a few rays of some sunshine have let themselves in but the reality is some people would prefer that my happiness would ruined and that I would be happier dwelling in sadness and misery, I'll be fucking honest, I've had enough of that. I'll choose minor aggravation over being miserable and angry all the fucking time. That is my choice. If anyone has a problem with it, go fuck yourselves.
The fact that the last Saturday morning playing action figures with someone has been one of the few moments of true joy in my life in the last few years and it seems like those moments are few and far between to a point where all I have is the memory of doing that kind of thing with my son when he was little but no real connection to it other than old memories and photographs anymore. He's gotten bigger and older and so have I, I've gotten bitter too, the anger keeps me going but it's to a point that sadly that's all I have left. It was nice for a moment and go back to a time when he man was the most powerful man in the universe instead of reality. When I have those happy moments both back then as well as now they need to remembered and treasured. I am frustrated by a number of things in my life and there are things both within and beyond my control, I need to look at both to figure out where I stand and who I am now in my life. The next six years will define my life and my sons and it's up to me to make decisions based on not only what's best for him, but what's best for everyone. I need to stay strong every minute of this, but sometimes the frustrations creep in and I don't know about the next step I just know that without the happy moments when I look back I'm looking into a deep black hole.
Certain people that make their fucking lives all about them when other people are in fucking crisis mode, esp. The self same people that can drop a bunch of their money on these crappy fucking toys or electronics. I'm sick of helping out and getting no respect for my contributions. It's time for me to close quarters and concentrate on the things that are important to me and only the things that are important to me, and the rest of you, go fuck yourselves. Right now I am going from angry moment to angry moment and from fuck up to fuck up and making a lot of critical mistakes that can be avoided, I'm really thinking it's time to withdraw from the fucking world until I can deal with what needs to be done, but even that's a half hearted attempt at this point, I'm not sure what I have left in the fucking tank for that, much less anyone else, I'll never stop fighting for my boy but that's all I have fucking left. Period. I'm through with expending resources on fucking people that do not fucking appreciate it, I don't give a damn how close at one time I might have been, for me only one thing matters and either you stand with me, or you stand against me, or you get the fuck out of my way. Those are your only options. I'm sick of fucking people that use other peoples drama to take advantage and further their own agendas and their own fucking drama. You either do things because you care about someone or you don't. How fucking easy it it to just keep your fucking mouth shut? Part of my problem is I keep letting people in and trusting them, I think at this point of my life it's better to be a bitter old soul and stop caring about people, I think it will work better for me, cuz the things I've been doing lately haven't been. I'd rather be all hate and rage than anything else's anyways because even when I have had nothing it's always fucking fueled me. I'm getting more than a little fucking fed up by the fact some of my personal relationships are very one sided and the reality is the fact that while I was once in a comfortable place with where my life is I'm starting to get pissed off and frustrated and more than from multiple people and multiple reasons I'm starting to feel used, I'm less than two fucking months from the battle of my fucking life.... And people in my orbit are pissing me off for many reasons, it would be very fucking easy to walk away from everything and everyone. I'm to a fucking point where it's much easier to abandon everything and give up, people in this world do not fucking change. There's only one reason I haven't said fuck it and walked away from everything in my life currently, and sadly even that battle I am doubting right now due to another's actions. I'm fed up with both the world and my interpersonal relationships, this current moment it would be very easy to walk away from the true nothing that I currently have. There is only one thing, one little person, that binds me to my current life, that's the only reason I haven't given up, it's the only goddamn reason I'm trying to make things work, but I should not two weeks after the biggest show of my life be worrying about money owed to me. I'm fed up with my world and any rays of fucking happiness end up miserably squelched by either my poor decision making or worse, the actions of others. Emotionally I am falling apart and no one is noticing, because when it comes down to it I am the strong one, the rock, the unshakable mountain that everything breaks upon. That's who I've chosen to be, but that's not all I am inside, that's what I project to the outside world, because it's easier than admitting to the fucking world I'm a broken crippled man inside that only has this fight, just this one last battle inside of him. I'll stand tall for a long as I fucking have to, but it's frustrating to be doing it alone, and people I trust to have my back in my darkest and most vulnerable of moments are as usual no where to be seen, or worse yet, leeches upon my back, either in terms of emotional state or worse finically, there is a reason I have always stood apart and stood alone, that way I was accountable to one person, myself. I am starting to think at the end of the day, at the end of all of this, that's who I need to go back to fucking being, at least that way I can take care of myself...and fuel that which needs to be taken care of, because the rest of it? I'm just fed up. I don't have any fucking patience for people who are accountable to me for money owed that I count on to pay fucking bills. I am angry and frustrated by every excuse in the fucking book not to settle up when it's needed, but of course I have tons of capital when it comes down to it and paying fucking bills.
Current Mood: Angry
Being crazy isn't enough,
When you are crazy you learn to keep quiet.
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