Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

I see myself as a huge fiery comet, a shooting star. Everyone stops, points up, and gasps: "Oh look at that!" Then whoosh, and I'm gone. And they'll never see anything like it ever again. And they won't be able to forget me — ever. It has been fifteen years since I let you affect me like this and somehow now I know I will always let it fucking happen. I guess that's my curse. I know I will wait for you're hand in mine until the day one of us is gone. One day maybe I'll make a big stupid move, maybe that day is a lot sooner than you might think, but for the moment I am reserved and scared. I let you get close once again after a year of off and on talking and you betrayed that trust again... I'll still always find it in my heart to forgive you because I want the best possible scenario for us both.  But... It still stings.... And I wish I could consider it delibrate but I know it's not, it's just part of the way I know you hurt and are d

As for this bullshit of two different lives, that's on you. I did what I had to do to survive. You never gave me that fucking choice. First as a father and later as a man. I didn't have options like you do. I don't like how you make me feel every fucking time you walk away and you're fucking justifications are only those in you're own head. I'm always going to be here and I'm always going to stand tall, with or without you. No matter how fucking broken I am. I will stand. If it's my last shred of decency or effort I will fucking stand. I'm just glad I'm not standing against you anymore. That time has passed. But I will never fall down and feel sorry for myself either. You chose this. You chose all of this. You're the one that constantly throws me away. I know I'm worthless to you unless you need me. One day I won't be here to save you. Don't worry I'm just working you out of my system and then we can go back to status

The other other thing that bothers me is you settle too easy in any fight. I will never give up or surrender. That's the difference I will always fucking fight especially for him. I don't know how to do anything else but to be a warrior. The day I decided the best action was peace nearly tore me apart. But I'd rather be fighting for you, than with you. I'll always fight for you, even when I don't want to. You are a small town girl with a small town mentality and that's the difference between us... I am from the big city and I travel the world just by my adventures because I will never settle. I just wish I was doing it with you. All those years wasted. It's better to burn out than to fade away but my burn out days are long over. I just want what comes next. I was hoping it would be with you somehow. All I know how to do is fight and defend. It's all I've ever been good at. I tried to find peace with you and walk away for good and you

I was an idiot to think a piece of glass could fix us. Just because I'll always be here doesn't fucking mean I like you're manipulation and mind games. My love is unconditional, you are my family, I have no choice in the matter. But I can and will choose to step away when you are hurting me. I want to fight with you until you understand but I realize all that does is damage us both so I'm a better man by doing what I've always done and walking away and pretending you don't exist till the next moment you think you need me. I had something to prove. All the damn ring and the money saved for the ring represented was the fact I could support you if needed. But that was a fucking pipe dream because as always you fucking betrayed me, it's probably an imaginary friend or a mistake but I'm sick of you not being truthful and I'm sick of constantly having you like the thorn in my side. I'll still do anything for you, but everytime it gets a little ha

I will never tell you the absence of you in my life causes. It doesn't matter if it's a moment or if it's years. When you aren't talking to me or here all I feel is an emptiness inside that often my own distractions don't even attempt  to subside. It's frustrating. I spent years pretending these feelings were dead and buried and ignoring them because I thought it was the right thing to do and now they are all back on the forefront and all I think or know is that you're busy and I am frustrated that you're not constantly mine. I want this to work and I know I need to take a step back... But we have always been whirlwind and it feels that way right now... I don't know how to slow down with my feelings. That's the difference between us, you can turn it off, you can slow it down. For me it's only on or off. I only have the one switch. I like where we are right now. I like the goals I have in mind. But it's all i got. Either I love you

We got lost along the way... But I looked into the abyss and it fucking looked into me right back. That abyss was you... And I am never fucking coming back. That ship died a fucking Viking funeral a very long time ago. I don't know how much time I have left but I will be damned if you're manipulation pushes me to the brink where I just want to end it all. I'm not that fucking coward and he deserves better. But you deserve nothing from Me. Not anymore. I used to think I had something to prove, that if I made you proud of me I'd be worthy of you're love. I was deadly fucking wrong. The truth is you never deserved me.... I'm better than you and you destroyed me for it. I'm a fucking fool for still being in love with you but at least the knife was expected this time... And this time you cut so fucking deep that you took it all away agian. Enjoy my heart it's the last thing of mine that belongs to you.... But it's dead now. This nostalgia tr

What we have is dangerous and unhealthy for both of us. Maybe it's better I walk away. But I would have fought for it this time. Our love is toxic and fucking poisoned to both of us. But no wonder that people don't respect you, you don't respect yourself, or me or our child. You destroyed every single one of us in some shape or fashion and think you can have you're little princess life. You'll never be a queen. You'll always have you're fucking hooks in me. I know that now. Forget any other relationships. I'm not allowed to have then because of you're jealousy. And when we get close to something, it's too fucking intense for you admit that it's real. Forget that we have a child together. That's meaningless. My feelings for you and him don't matter. It's always going to be exactly what it is. We are simply fucking possessions. I am done with you're control and manipulation, I have had enough of it for a lifetime and I

When I walk away and never look back... That's the fucking way things are. You were the only exception to that and we had our reasons... But if you hurt me this time. We are done. I won't be looking back. I am no one's back up plan or replacement.i refuse to be. Im just fine on my own and I have a happy life without you. You have a connection to me that will never go away, but I learned to live without you on my life once. I can learn to do it agian. I refuse to be used, emotionally or otherwise. I've always loved you, I can't turn it on and off like you can. It fucking hurts... It will till the day I die. Maybe that's the solution. Too bad I'm not that kind of coward... Plus obviously I'm not burdening my son with that, he's had enough happen in his little life. It's not worth it too add anymore. I'll always be here and I'll always answer the damn phone. You're my weakness and I know it. But I wish I wasn't so damn brok

I think of the years we have lost and consider them, I don't want to lose anymore. You are the one i have always wanted to be with. Dont doubt that fact. I just wish it didn't take this long to find our place. Maybe there is a reason for it. You're not the only one with conflicting feelings, I had a good life.. I was just getting back to it. I'm kinda considering that you are an improvement to what I had and what I ever had before, but I think the fact is not on either of us that those years are lost, we aren't getting them back.

I don't know how we got here, but we got here. Somehow I've always known this was gonna be the case. I always knew that I would be the one at the end because I do love you more than anything. I just got lost along the way. I should have fought harder when I needed to rather than letting you be sad pretending that I knew you were happy. I will always be here to catch you when you're falling, and somehow you've always known. I am done with others expectations of me, I only care what two people in this world think of me... I'm pretty sure at one point I was good enough for her... I hope I still am good enough for her... Because I don't want anyone else. I know good or bad that we are always going to be in each other's lives and there is always going to be something missing until we fix this..... I just hope we can. I've lived too long without the great love of my life... I want it to work, whatever it ends up being. I have something to tell you...

When this becomes real... Everything changes. It is becoming real. You are no longer just the ghost of my past, and the true tragedy of my life...you're something else. I think with every action and response I am showing you that all I have done over the years is fight for my son. Maybe not the best approach in you're mind but given my back story the only response in my mind. I do know that I am much better being on the same page with you and fighting the world with you rather than doing it against the world without you. That's the way it's meant to be, the three of us against the world. Not against each other. We are in a happy moment and a happy place. Let's hope that lasts. It needs to. When you love someone everything sacrificed, everything changes, you're that place for me, you always have been. Everything is about to change.

I am starting to look on things with a new older, more mature set of eyes. And I am questioning things I once took as fact. The biggest one being whose interests have I been protecting all these years... Mine or someone else's? I am really wondering that in this moment. I look back on everything and I realize that things aren't as they once seemed and the higher I flew the farther I felt and I was made to feel that the dinner scraps I was fed were mana from fucking heaven. No more!!! I am choosing blood here, my blood. My son. That's the endgame, that's the only thing important here, if I get my love back too I'll fucking take it. I am done with pleasing others or respecting there opinion to my own detriment. I choose me this time. I choose mine. The things that matter, the things that have always mattered. For now the other opinions need to keep there thoughts to themselves and let me go down this road, alone. I am always going to fight for my son. There is

I have learned patience. I don't know where things are going. But I know where ever that they do that this is pure and that while there might be hurt and drama, this is something that is yours and mine. No one else matters. That's what I think you need. We've waited long enough. I know that it's exactly what I need. There are just conditions on both sides but we can work thru them. All I know is that I can't stand not having you by my side. We need to be a family agian. That's all I've ever wanted. If nothing else we both have the closure we needed. But If it starts agian where it ended I'm good with that too. Thats all I need in my life. I'm just sick of being so broken and I think I always will be without you. This is the weird part. A moment with you fixed a lot of the hurt in my mind. And I think that it is because I do truly love you and you truly love me. I just wish we hadn't got lost along the way. When I think about every

My whole life I have had only two responses, fight or flee. And I usually don't know how to do anything but fight.... But this time... I think there's something worth fighting for.... I just hope it doesn't cost me everything... Because I have nothing left. All I know is that there is a lot less darkness right now inside myself... I'd like to hold onto that if I can. I'd like to hold onto them for as long as it lasts. I am going to fight for this and I am going to fight for them. It's not going to cost me anything to be the bad guy and the villain this time and it will take all the negative energy off of them. I'm good, I can handle it. I'll take it all on me for as long as I have to. I wish I was there to have handled it more over the years.i think you and him needed that. Every step along the way. I'm sick of being strong and fighting for the wrong reasons. But when I know it's the right reason I'm never going to stop fighting.

I am no longer torn. I know who my soulmate is. It's just about getting there. We've both been lost for so longer we just have to figure everything out. It's not going to be an easy road and it's nothing I want more in my life. I just have to figure it out. But there is nothing I want more. I've always know that you are my soulmate. No questions there. All this time we spent fighting when we shouldn't have been. I've got no more room in my heart to fight. Only for whatever comes. No more wandering in the wilderness. I don't hold any illusions but I'm not giving up hope either. I've held you in my arms, I know what it means. I've been waiting a very long time for that moment. Knowing that you have to... It's everything. This is what it's supposed to be I think. We just lost our way.... Maybe we can find it agian. I know where my true home and family is. I'd just forgotten. You have and always have been the only thing