Cowgirl in The Sand.

The other other thing that bothers me is you settle too easy in any fight. I will never give up or surrender. That's the difference I will always fucking fight especially for him. I don't know how to do anything else but to be a warrior. The day I decided the best action was peace nearly tore me apart.

But I'd rather be fighting for you, than with you.

I'll always fight for you, even when I don't want to.

You are a small town girl with a small town mentality and that's the difference between us... I am from the big city and I travel the world just by my adventures because I will never settle. I just wish I was doing it with you. All those years wasted.

It's better to burn out than to fade away but my burn out days are long over. I just want what comes next. I was hoping it would be with you somehow.

All I know how to do is fight and defend. It's all I've ever been good at. I tried to find peace with you and walk away for good and you roped me back in. I kept my word and gave you the moment you needed... But I don't know where to go now. I am lost.

Old feelings reawakened, it sucks that I can't turn them off and I do not want them to turn to anger and hate again, I am fighting my very nature to not hate you right now... I don't want to hate you, but I know eventually that little bit of you that will always be in my heart will wither and die and I'll have only the anger and hate. I won't accept it or let it in right now. I will fight that feeling as long as I can.

I like the feeling I had recently better. Hope.

Maybe one day we will find our way together. Maybe we won't. But I'm still going to hope. I just want to stick around a while if you ever get me chance again. But I don't want to argue and fight. You're my cowgirl in the Sand. You always have been. Somewhere along the road you got so broken I don't even know I could ever fix you. I kinda want to tho. I'll keep trying.

I didn't want to hate you, I just wanted to love you. If I can't have that I'm good just not being angry...

....for now. I guess it's all I've got.

I miss Saturday mornings and weekend nights talking to you a lot. I always did.

It's been a year since you came back into my life and nothing has been accomplished except pain, at least you know where I stand at the end. Maybe one day soon things will change. Maybe they won't. But at this point it's you're decision. I'm just going to continue to move on and live my life and miss you and him terribly, every fucking day.

Current mood: sad

Current music: AIC, Down in a Hole.

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

Fall Of Cybertron III: Where’s Poochie.

It is very easy for me to fade away and just get bored of other people and politics when games are played. I’m not even fucking blinking when someone else who I’ve done things for, constantly for months with no rewards suddenly forgets I exist. That’s real easy for me to fucking deal with. Con politics, games, asshole people that don’t pay there Fuckin promises from day one? Don’t call my number. I stepped away from this shit once on my own. I have no fucking problem doing it again. I feel used and betrayed, but for me it was a Tuesday. I suspect jealousy and politics but I also know when to stick a fork in something when it’s done. I’ve got no interest being around anyone that doesn’t want me involved in there little cliques. I mean this thing was fun but from day one it was political. I don’t need stress and drama in my life. I can hang up my Wizard robe and move the fuck on. I did a great job of it on my own anyways. I don’t look amateur hour like the rest of them. And I no longer

Fuel Injected Suicide Machine.

Pissing me off is never a good fucking option. I have a life and I don’t need to make fucking sacrifices for anyone if I choose not to. I’m getting real fed up with simply being expected to do and arrange things so someone else can have a fucking escape. This is starting to become a fucking pattern in my life. Some I choose to do for, but others, when I’m starting to notice a fucking pattern? I’m gone. I will always be gone. The fact I have yet to step foot in England when I have a secondary place to stay should speak volumes in terms of this freindship and how it’s no longer even. I’m sick of things only being halfway when I’m trying with certain fucking people and I can bail and close ranks and not give a flying fuck about anyone anymore when I’m not being treated with respect esp. given to mine and my brothers financial situation. I don’t mind making sacrifices but I’m still going to make sure that my main fucking priorities are taken care of. I’m not going to pretend to keep th

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