Cowgirl in The Sand.

The other other thing that bothers me is you settle too easy in any fight. I will never give up or surrender. That's the difference I will always fucking fight especially for him. I don't know how to do anything else but to be a warrior. The day I decided the best action was peace nearly tore me apart.

But I'd rather be fighting for you, than with you.

I'll always fight for you, even when I don't want to.

You are a small town girl with a small town mentality and that's the difference between us... I am from the big city and I travel the world just by my adventures because I will never settle. I just wish I was doing it with you. All those years wasted.

It's better to burn out than to fade away but my burn out days are long over. I just want what comes next. I was hoping it would be with you somehow.

All I know how to do is fight and defend. It's all I've ever been good at. I tried to find peace with you and walk away for good and you roped me back in. I kept my word and gave you the moment you needed... But I don't know where to go now. I am lost.

Old feelings reawakened, it sucks that I can't turn them off and I do not want them to turn to anger and hate again, I am fighting my very nature to not hate you right now... I don't want to hate you, but I know eventually that little bit of you that will always be in my heart will wither and die and I'll have only the anger and hate. I won't accept it or let it in right now. I will fight that feeling as long as I can.

I like the feeling I had recently better. Hope.

Maybe one day we will find our way together. Maybe we won't. But I'm still going to hope. I just want to stick around a while if you ever get me chance again. But I don't want to argue and fight. You're my cowgirl in the Sand. You always have been. Somewhere along the road you got so broken I don't even know I could ever fix you. I kinda want to tho. I'll keep trying.

I didn't want to hate you, I just wanted to love you. If I can't have that I'm good just not being angry...

....for now. I guess it's all I've got.

I miss Saturday mornings and weekend nights talking to you a lot. I always did.

It's been a year since you came back into my life and nothing has been accomplished except pain, at least you know where I stand at the end. Maybe one day soon things will change. Maybe they won't. But at this point it's you're decision. I'm just going to continue to move on and live my life and miss you and him terribly, every fucking day.

Current mood: sad

Current music: AIC, Down in a Hole.

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

Fall Of Cybertron III: Where’s Poochie.

It is very easy for me to fade away and just get bored of other people and politics when games are played. I’m not even fucking blinking when someone else who I’ve done things for, constantly for months with no rewards suddenly forgets I exist. That’s real easy for me to fucking deal with. Con politics, games, asshole people that don’t pay there Fuckin promises from day one? Don’t call my number. I stepped away from this shit once on my own. I have no fucking problem doing it again. I feel used and betrayed, but for me it was a Tuesday. I suspect jealousy and politics but I also know when to stick a fork in something when it’s done. I’ve got no interest being around anyone that doesn’t want me involved in there little cliques. I mean this thing was fun but from day one it was political. I don’t need stress and drama in my life. I can hang up my Wizard robe and move the fuck on. I did a great job of it on my own anyways. I don’t look amateur hour like the rest of them. And I no lon...

Serpent's Kiss.

I pass in and out of peoples lives. sometimes i wonder why they come back. sometimes i wonder if the issue is me. i do grand things and i back up my plans and words and maybe sometimes thats too much for some. but all i have ever asked from those that i love is honesty. i don't care if things fall apart. all i need is the truth. I'm getting to the point i don't trust fucking anyone. and being betrayed by those that are at best fairweather fucking friends when im not exactly finacally fucking stable. there are reasons i keep my circle small and those i truly trust even closer. it takes a lot to be a part of my life and and i am seriously considering withdrawing from some of my social activities again because it seems like the last couple years they just turn to shit and all i am doing is losing money. i have stopped caring about a lot of people in the past and it can be real fuckin easy for me to walk away from agian. id rather work on the relationships both old and new th...

Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

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