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Poison the Well


I am starting to look on things with a new older, more mature set of eyes. And I am questioning things I once took as fact. The biggest one being whose interests have I been protecting all these years... Mine or someone else's? I am really wondering that in this moment. I look back on everything and I realize that things aren't as they once seemed and the higher I flew the farther I felt and I was made to feel that the dinner scraps I was fed were mana from fucking heaven. No more!!!

I am choosing blood here, my blood. My son. That's the endgame, that's the only thing important here, if I get my love back too I'll fucking take it. I am done with pleasing others or respecting there opinion to my own detriment. I choose me this time. I choose mine. The things that matter, the things that have always mattered.

For now the other opinions need to keep there thoughts to themselves and let me go down this road, alone.

I am always going to fight for my son. There is more to it, and there are things unaddressed and it may lead somewhere it may not. But I'm fighting for all of it. That's all I've ever done.

I am trying to reconcile the darkness and demons in my life with all the positives.... And maybe some of those things aren't the same as they have always been. I listened to the wrong advice for the longest time and I am blamed for the things that others created in my life. But if you think you're expectations are broken, my expectations of myself are absolutely shattered, you don't have to see this face in the mirror.

....and I do remember the damage that was done 20 years ago... I have and will never blame her for that.... That was always about control. Maybe sometimes I need to be alone.... But not this time...

The fact this goes back to decisions made and voices in my ears for two decades isn't lost on me either. If I had chosen another path, another road.... But that's always on me... I didn't have to listen to those voices.

The fact everything with you is a fucking knife fight when I'm trying and it frustrates and you hurt me. I'm not going to let it continue. I will try but at same time I'm done being controlled by anyone, especially any females in my life. That includes you.

No more gas lighting. No more making me feel fucking bad. I suspect this is a game because you give me a million reasons not to trust you and us getting back together, if it happens means i cut a lot of people I care about out of my life.

You're important enough to, as is my son. But fuck it, I'm not letting anyone torture Me over my decisions not anymore. I fought for my son. I made peace. I'm not going to let you upset that fragile peace. I am never going to fight with you agian. I'll just walk away. Agian.

I have made peace with you, I am ok with that, but I am not a peaceful man, and I will never argue or be truly angry with you agian. I'll just be at peace and be gone.

You and Me, we are always going to be fucking drama. We either embrace it and try and to make it work or we go our separate ways agian.

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