Skip to main content

Hollow Life.


I will never tell you the absence of you in my life causes. It doesn't matter if it's a moment or if it's years. When you aren't talking to me or here all I feel is an emptiness inside that often my own distractions don't even attempt  to subside.

It's frustrating. I spent years pretending these feelings were dead and buried and ignoring them because I thought it was the right thing to do and now they are all back on the forefront and all I think or know is that you're busy and I am frustrated that you're not constantly mine.

I want this to work and I know I need to take a step back... But we have always been whirlwind and it feels that way right now... I don't know how to slow down with my feelings. That's the difference between us, you can turn it off, you can slow it down. For me it's only on or off. I only have the one switch. I like where we are right now. I like the goals I have in mind. But it's all i got. Either I love you or I don't. I can't compartmentalize it. I wouldn't want to.


...and I've always loved you, and I always will. I can never admit how much not hearing you're voice constantly affects me.

You are my only real weakness in this life And it frustrates me to feel that in a moment you can destroy me or make me feel agian. You know you have that power too. You use it to manipulate more than I would like. And I fall for it every single fucking time.

I'm just a sucker. You've always got a game or an agenda and I don't know where I fucking stand. So as per usual I fucking stand alone. I'm good with that. Because at the end of all this the only fucking answers needed are the ones I give to him.

I won't go to war with you agian. Those days are done. Im not fighting you either. But you are not part of my life. You never will be. You made that fucking choice. Not me. Done.

My life is hollow without you. But maybe that's the fucking way it needs to be.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.
Post a Comment
Read more

The Remedy

I am reminded when I need someone how truly alone I am in this world. Because for as much as I am the constant and the shoulder to cry on. The same respect isn’t accorded to me, obviously. It hasn’t been in years. This is why I have never and will never need you. I don’t need anyone. Especially when I am fucking hurting over a lost freind.  I hurt, I get to do that. I’m fine with that. I process and move on. I spend a couple days where I block out the world and keep going but I’m fine.  I don’t accord anyone I don’t trust or respect the time of day. It’s not about who it is. I’ll willing burn a bridge im fucking standing on if it means I take you with me if I see you as my enemy.  I’m on a quest for peace, anything that gets in the way of that or causes turmoil in my life can get the fuck out of my way or become ash, because I will go the fuck thru you. Affect my responsibilities in my life, I will accord the same respect you do to them, I don’t mind being a blunt instrum...
Post a Comment
Read more

Respite on the Spitalfeilds.

I get to hurt, that’s my curse. I feel everything. And it never goes away. It doesn’t matter if it’s peace of strife. I always miss him. He’s always there buried not so deep inside. Along side that in my heart lies hope. But right now, the price is simply too high to have him in my life. I’m not good with authority or conditions.  And attempting controlling me has very negative conquences. So yeah, I’ll be here waiting. I should not hurt this much. Or be this sad. But it’s a fucking pain that never goes away except when it is replaced by anger. And I’m trying to fight that emotion off because bad things happen when I’m angry. And thats my secret Cap, I’m always angry. It’s what controls the hulk inside me from taking out an entire city block.  I deserved better. This wasn’t the life I was promised. This is for sure not the life I promised my son. That was taken away from me. I’m not to blame. But I’ll be damned if suffers like an adult the way I had to. I will always be here b...
Post a Comment
Read more