Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

This is still a game of many tactical moves,but for once I'm not playing to defeat you. I just want you on my side against the world agian. The way it's supposed to be, the way it should have been. For once I have Hope, it's all I need to sustain me right now with my next big chess move. I have no expectations but you have surprised me in the past. So I'm going to go forward with the things I plan to do and see where we end up. You are important to me, you always will be. If this is where we end the game no matter what the outcome is, I'm good with it. I think in the next little while we will surprise each other, even if I am forcing my hand and putting all the cards on the table rather than bottling them up and ignoring how I have always felt for you. From the most intense passion comes the best and worst of us, I completely understand that now. If we didn't love each other as whirlwind as we did we would not have fought as hard as we did, but

The worst part of the last twenty years is that I held myself to an unrealistic ideal, I thought that if I didn't fall back on my disability (the ones I usually refuse to acknowledge.) And actually worked hard and got a decent job and a nice place you might love me agian one day. I should have taken the easy way out. Maybe then with an income you'd have been satisfied. I can't even bring myself to tell you that there has been a change in circumstances because I don't think the time is right. It's pride and it's stubbornness and I feel like I have failed myself and those I love by taking the easiest solution. While this may allow things long needed to surface, like the return to my education, I do feel like I'm selling my soul. At least I have choices and options now and I don't feel like a prisoner in my own life anymore.... ...just one in my own heart. I do think if I had excerised this option a long time ago that maybe our little family would b

How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on when in your heart, you begin to understand... there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend... some hurts that go too deep... that have taken hold. I hate that I'm stubborn and that I have my pride. I miss you every fucking moment of my existence but as usual when you wound me it cuts deep and I won't just admit my feelings and sadness to you, I'll choose the hard way and only make contact in drunken moments or ones that matter. I want to randomly tell you I fucking miss you and see if matters but it's hard for me to do that when even after all these years you cast me aside. I kinda understand it, that's why I'm doing the things I'm doing right now, my silent action plan. But it still hurts. Maybe one day we will find our way, maybe one day soon after I do something either epic or completely stupid, but that's me and the stubbornness and the pride, if it's gotta

I have a plan, it's gonna take a minute but I think it's important to do. It's time for the long road to end. I don't think our story will ever end. God knows I've tried to move past but it's never took. I can't put you in the rear view mirror. It's even worse in this pandemic because I worry about both of you every single day. You are my heart, you always will be. Things have changed. I just wish you had the patience to wait rather than demanding everything  right away. Maybe this time I'll be able to do things ahead of time so you no longer doubt yourself. You hurt me this one last time... Even after you destroyed my life multiple times I let you in agian and agian. And still you hurt me. The worst part about this time is that you lied to me agian when I was going to make a huge change in all of our lives... I'm still going to do it, and on the same schedule.... But that's because I want to. Because I've always wanted to. It

....and its with myself. I know that I am better when I set a goal. Even if it's a fucking pipe dream... It's the only dream I've had for the last two decades. I will fight for you, one last time. I have something to prove, it's the only thing left to prove actually. I need to do this to be whole. To not have that big what if question in my head about what could have been, what was sucked. I need to do this because I do love you and he needs to know that, you need to know that. I will always feel the exact same way. I wish things were simpler then and I could have been the man u really wanted. I'm that man now, I'll prove it to you. I burnt a lot of bridges to my old life because I figured that you were more important... And some of those bridges I poured gasoline on were 100% correct... I'm not over you, I will never be over you. Anyone else I'm with is a fucking placeholder for who I truly want to be with. You. I don't think I can ever move

You hurt me. All you do is hurt and intimidate me and yet somehow I still love you from the bottom of my heart even to my own ruin. I don't want to play mind games anymore and I wish that I could move past you, but I know that I can't. Not anymore. These feelings came back and I can't shake them, probably because they were never buried all that deep in the first fucking place. You and I both do things to fuck with each other's heads and I can't figure out why but I know that I will never be truly happy with anyone else. And every time you and I get close to what is real you fucking sabotage it. One day I will quit trying, one day my heart will truly break and ill be over you. I don't ever want that happen. But I think one day ill give up. I have things going on in my life, there are positive changes for the long term that might help us to be a family agian, the way its supposed to be. I'm afraid to fucking tell you that because I'm afraid that i

I need to quit living my life like its going to change on its own. I need to change it for myself. Things have changed anyways. Maybe its time for a new start with an old friend maybe its time to find my path alone... Either way I can't keep living like status quo. It feels like my life has been on pause the last decade and only recently I am coming back to myself. Some of that is on you but a lot of that is on me. I refused to feel anything for so long I became a shell of the man I once was. I was over you. I want to go back to hating you but I can't. I know at the deepest darkest parts of my fucking soul that I love you and I can no longer deny it anymore. There is no room for hating you on my soul anymore. You hurt me agian, you're good at that that but I can't tell anymore if its malicious or just the fact that You're too damaged to know any better esp. When we get close to What's supposed to be and what's pure for both of us. I know you're

I don't tell anyone how much I'm really hurting. That's private. But it's often too much to bear and that empty feeling hasn't changed in 16 years. I just want you to know that someday. Maybe you'll read this, maybe you won't. But it's all I got left to give. I thought we were done for good. I thought these feelings I have for you were dead and gone in the past. I was wrong. The sting of this latest betrayal is even worse because it just reaffirms the fact of me being so hopelessly in love in love with you that it will lead me to ruin. Again. You want me to fight for you, I may have something in the works. I just wish this was easier and you had a little faith and a little patience. I don't talk to you or fight for what is mine not because I don't love you, it's because I'm conditioned not to. All these years... That's gotta change. I wanted things to be perfect. That's never going to happen. I am waiting to make my move a

You don't turn your back on family, even when they do. That's the way it has to be with you... For a long time we have both chose nothing...I think that needs to change. Every thing I do is planned and calculated. Often long in advance, you are the only xfactor that affects that at this point in my fucking life. You enter it and turn my life and emotions upside down.  The thing that bothers me the most is that I have always tried to do the right thing by you even to the detriment of myself, my life and my freedom. But none of that matters to you long term, it just makes me sad. I have nothing left to prove to you. You know exactly where I stand. Something's have changed recently for us and one day I will tell you what that is. It's important and might make us eventually make sense. But I'm not going to wait around to be you're back up. I have my own life to live. I'm happy with it for the moment. The only thing missing is you and him, I hope you know that.

He felt the knife of her old betrayal slide into his heart, a smooth, unexpected caress of pain. I am a better person than you. When I say I love someone I stand by it and them no matter how much it causes me pain... And I am hurting so very fucking much right. That's on you... I'll eventually get over it... But the knife cut deep this time... I think that might have been you're intention. I shouldn't be hurting and missing you again right now... I should be fucking hating you again... But that part of me is gone. I have made peace with the fact I will always love you no matter how deep you slide the knife into my ribs. That's also my curse. I'll always love you and always be here even if it hurts. I float around in a daze. Nothing matters much to me. I am unfocused. This is you're doing. Twenty plus years on and you affect me like this in my every moment. Either I feel everything when we are talking or I feel nothing. Right now I am feeling numb. I

I'm not really sure why. But... do you stop loving someone just because they betray you? I don't think so. That's what makes the betrayal hurt so much - pain, frustration, anger... and I still loved her. I still do. Do you know how frustrating it is to have you ghost me everytime you get into a new relationship? It's not like I contributed anything to our lives, and it's not like I mean anything to you. You just need control and I upset the delicate balance in you're life. I am chaos, but I am controlled chaos, I can afford to do what I want because at the end of the day I get the things that need to be done dealt with and I keep my word and my promises. You can't handle that, you'd rather choose you're life that is no better than mine where you are treated like nothing and disrespected as my son's mother by the very people you work with because it's easier. You seek to control me by words and actions, but that's never bee

It was a mistake," you said. But the cruel thing was, it felt like the mistake was mine, for trusting you. We aren't there yet completely. I feel that on both sides. I have nothing to lose by being completely open to you, but we are both reserved... There are some big conversations to be had and I think Everytime we scratch the surface of truly being together, everything fucking shatters. I had made peace with this. I was ok being alone and without you. Now I don't know how i should feel. The worst is that I miss you on a level that I havent in 16 years.... That's how I know it's real, that's how I know it's meaningful. But I'm used to my feelings betraying me, esp. When it comes to you, so i am scared of it. I am afraid of losing you completely agian. I can be honest about that. It does scare me. I'm good with losing you tho. At least I can be fucking healthy in my own head. The fact you think I'd ever completely love or trust you aft