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Hurt.


You hurt me. All you do is hurt and intimidate me and yet somehow I still love you from the bottom of my heart even to my own ruin. I don't want to play mind games anymore and I wish that I could move past you, but I know that I can't. Not anymore. These feelings came back and I can't shake them, probably because they were never buried all that deep in the first fucking place. You and I both do things to fuck with each other's heads and I can't figure out why but I know that I will never be truly happy with anyone else. And every time you and I get close to what is real you fucking sabotage it.

One day I will quit trying, one day my heart will truly break and ill be over you. I don't ever want that happen. But I think one day ill give up.

I have things going on in my life, there are positive changes for the long term that might help us to be a family agian, the way its supposed to be.

I'm afraid to fucking tell you that because I'm afraid that it will just be another thing that you hold over me, that I couldn't be the person you wanted me to be. That I couldn't provide when it mattered. I had pride. I had a career, I was young. I wasn't ready. And the moment I was it got all fucked up. We hurt each other a lot. I understand that part. Its why its complicated now.

I know ill always be here. I know I will always attempt to do things in the big moments. I know where my heart belongs. I just wish it didn't hurt so much. I can't go back to pretending I hate you. I don't. I never did. All the damage you did to my fucking life and I still loved you, in an instant.

I just wish things were different. Next time they will be. If you give me a next time... I have something epic planned... And I'm not doing it to prove anything to you... I need to prove it to myself. I need to prove in my heart that I am capable. I don't care if it sits in a jewelry box forever. I need to do it for my own mental health because I can't play what if about 2003 agian. That was the last time I could afford it. Now I'm doing it because it is paramount in my mind and maybe it is the one last thing I need to do to prove how much I love you.

Maybe its a pipe dream, but I'm sick of you thinking I have short comings. I never did when it came to you. For you and the way I feel about you I would have scorched the earth to provide for you...

I still will...

...I just wish I didn't hurt about you so much.

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