I need to quit living my life like its going to change on its own. I need to change it for myself. Things have changed anyways. Maybe its time for a new start with an old friend maybe its time to find my path alone... Either way I can't keep living like status quo.
It feels like my life has been on pause the last decade and only recently I am coming back to myself. Some of that is on you but a lot of that is on me. I refused to feel anything for so long I became a shell of the man I once was.
I was over you. I want to go back to hating you but I can't. I know at the deepest darkest parts of my fucking soul that I love you and I can no longer deny it anymore. There is no room for hating you on my soul anymore.
You hurt me agian, you're good at that that but I can't tell anymore if its malicious or just the fact that You're too damaged to know any better esp. When we get close to What's supposed to be and what's pure for both of us. I know you're scared. But I don't say things just to say them, I do things. I put my mind to it, it will fucking happen.
Just watch me. Just wait. Its coming.
I know that I can't turn off these feelings I have for you, 20 years and I never could, even when I ducking wanted to, I always knew you'd come back into my life somehow. I should have fought harder but when you completely disappear from my life every time and make it obvious that you want to hurt me by lying and playing games it makes it very hard to fight for those I Fucking love.
I will always fight for you but I find it hard when you cut me so Fucking deep. I feel used after this last time and one day ill try and make it right but for the moment I have a goal and a focus that's important to me... Its being done so win or lose I can move on. So my mental health can deal with the fact that I never lost you, not really. It has to be done at this point, at this moment because I don't know if I will have another.....
...as long as the feelings are this strong I can make it happen.
I live my dreams because all I've had are nightmares, this is the one last dream left unfulfilled. Its got to be done.
The worst part is I think you know I can't turn it off but you are so damaged that you can't do anything about it because you're not ready to. Maybe one day we can be a family. Maybe ill have to force you to listen reason, maybe ill just say fuck it and walk away after my one last big move. I just wish in my heart I knew that I could. I'm afraid that I can't.
I don't like the way you make me feel when you just go away, but at least now I am feeling something and its not apathy, or anger or hate. The only thing I'm feeling now is hurt. I want it to go away and I want it to stay as part of me permanently... The hurt and the love for you has always been a part of me. We need to heal, alone or together, we need to heal. I can't hate you or be angry at you anymore. I never could. But we need to heal or we will never be whole.
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