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Gotham by Gaslighting


I'm not really sure why. But... do you stop loving someone just because they betray you? I don't think so. That's what makes the betrayal hurt so much - pain, frustration, anger... and I still loved her. I still do.

Do you know how frustrating it is to have you ghost me everytime you get into a new relationship? It's not like I contributed anything to our lives, and it's not like I mean anything to you. You just need control and I upset the delicate balance in you're life. I am chaos, but I am controlled chaos, I can afford to do what I want because at the end of the day I get the things that need to be done dealt with and I keep my word and my promises. You can't handle that, you'd rather choose you're life that is no better than mine where you are treated like nothing and disrespected as my son's mother by the very people you work with because it's easier.

You seek to control me by words and actions, but that's never been what you're hold on me has been about. It's about two souls colliding, you have my heart, that belongs to you. That's why you can manipulate me so well. But it's the only thing you control. I do know how to to think critically and honestly about this... And I know how to deal with walking away, I don't want to. I'd rather stand and fight, I'm just not sure if I know the appropriate way to do that right now. You have weapons that are more than words... And you're words alone were enough to destroy a man almost a decade ago and set me down this downward spiral.

I know I'm in you're head as much as you are in mine. It's the only reason you keep coming back into my life. I may love you, and I may realize how toxic and dangerous that love is... But it's still the most pure thing that either one of us has ever had.

I'll never betray you no matter how many times you put the fucking knife in my back. We are far beyond that. I need to have you're back. I'm the strong one. I recognize that. You're behaviors aren't you're own doing. It's just the way you are damaged. I understand that part to and I still love you. But I love myself too. And one day I'll love myself more and I will stop letting you come around and fuck with my head and my heart the way you do every single fucking time.

I have not forgotten that you did this to us. You're choices. And yet you blamed me and made me the fucking bad guy. I'm fine with being the villian. But the truth is... You did this. Not me. I never stopped loving you. I couldn't move past you. Trust me I tried. It never worked. I've always been here in the shadows waiting. I thought you didn't love me, or you couldn't handle you're emotions for me and the result of you're actions. Turns out I was right.

You are completely fucking right that I can get any woman I want... Except for the one I actually want. We are flawed and broken and I don't know if that will ever be fixed. I wasn't lying to you when I said I didn't want to be with anyone else. I wanted for the last twenty years to spend the rest of my life with you. That hasn't changed. It probably should have.

It's too bad when you said the same thing about not wanting anyone else it wasn't true. I'll move on. But that's the fucking part that hurts. That's the part that makes this difficult. That's the part that makes me think this was all a game.

One thing I know for sure is that you always have an agenda... Even if you don't know what it is. Sadly I will fall for it and protect you and fight for you as much as you want. I'll always be there. That much is clear. I just feel like this last time you used me and my love for the both of you to manipulate me yet again... Yet when push come to shove you folded... I don't. I finish the fucking game...

...on my own terms. Always.

I'm done being betrayed by you.


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