I don't tell anyone how much I'm really hurting. That's private. But it's often too much to bear and that empty feeling hasn't changed in 16 years. I just want you to know that someday. Maybe you'll read this, maybe you won't. But it's all I got left to give.
I thought we were done for good. I thought these feelings I have for you were dead and gone in the past. I was wrong. The sting of this latest betrayal is even worse because it just reaffirms the fact of me being so hopelessly in love in love with you that it will lead me to ruin. Again. You want me to fight for you, I may have something in the works. I just wish this was easier and you had a little faith and a little patience.
I don't talk to you or fight for what is mine not because I don't love you, it's because I'm conditioned not to. All these years... That's gotta change. I wanted things to be perfect. That's never going to happen. I am waiting to make my move and a moment. It's coming. It will be before the end of the year. It'll probably either be the best thing I've ever done or the stupidest.
I don't hate you. I do love you. I don't know how to feel anymore. You have done a lot of damage to my world. Damage not just to me. Damage we will never be able to fix. While one has been forgiven, it will not be forgotten.
I'm not supposed to be here staring 45 in the face... I planned to go out long before.. no family, no life.. just a car crash or something before my forties... That was what I expected from my life... For better or worse, whatever we are.. it has kept me here. It keeps me going. I don't need anything more but it would be nice to end this at your side one day.
I live my life without fear or regret, save one and I willingly enter the darkness of the future with no looking back except for one moment. I just wish you would let that moment we had stick around. If I didn't know that my emotions are shared by you at some level I wouldn't give a damn, bit you've played you're hand, either to hurt me or see where you stood either way I know there is some truth to you're illusions.
Just because I hide my sadness and depression especially when it comes to you doesn't mean it's not constantly there, I just have it buried so deep that someone would have truly understand me to understand it. There is only one that does. That person is you, but I'll never let you in that much. Not the way things stand right now. Maybe one day.
You have been and still are, the only thing in this world that intimidates me. That's what you are. I'd never fully admit that you either but you hold power babe... I wish you knew how to use it instead of always pushing me away when things got too close. I'll always be here. I don't always like that fact.
I've always loved life on my terms, maybe it's time to think about living them on yours. I don't know where we go from here, but It has to fucking change. I can't do status quo anymore. I have written that letter a hundred times and I still can't find the fucking words that are the right ones. I'm getting closer to them tho
.
Sometimes I hate the fact that I have pride and I'm stubborn. I want to pick up the phone and make peace because I have something important to tell you but my pride and stubbornness is not allowing me to do that just yet. One day soon maybe.
Without you my world is black, but it's the world I'm used to. I'm sick of living here.
Current Mood: Depressed.
Current Music: Offspring, The Kids aren't alright
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