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Pride.


How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on when in your heart, you begin to understand... there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend... some hurts that go too deep... that have taken hold.

I hate that I'm stubborn and that I have my pride. I miss you every fucking moment of my existence but as usual when you wound me it cuts deep and I won't just admit my feelings and sadness to you, I'll choose the hard way and only make contact in drunken moments or ones that matter. I want to randomly tell you I fucking miss you and see if matters but it's hard for me to do that when even after all these years you cast me aside. I kinda understand it, that's why I'm doing the things I'm doing right now, my silent action plan. But it still hurts.

Maybe one day we will find our way, maybe one day soon after I do something either epic or completely stupid, but that's me and the stubbornness and the pride, if it's gotta be you're way or the highway, I'll be the fork in the fucking road causing the truck to jackknife. I'm not going to ever choose the easy way. I'm going to do things the hard way.

Win or fucking lose,I'll know I stood on my own two feet when it comes to you.

Always.

.....and I'll always be there for you to. No matter how we feel about each other.

I'm just glad that whatever this is now, on my part there is no trace of anger or hate or war. I've made peace with all that. There is just something missing in my heart, something you've reawakened, I wish you hadn't. I wish I had not let you in. But I did... So this is where I stand... Too proud to tell you how I really feel, and I need a moment for the way I'm going to fight.

I love you and you hurt me, constantly. I don't know if it's just a game or if it's an indication of how deeply broken that we are that we cling to each other for security. I'll let you hurt me because whatever the hell this love is, it's the best thing I've ever known.

I just want you to be happy, I just wish it was with me.

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