Skip to main content

Pride.


How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on when in your heart, you begin to understand... there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend... some hurts that go too deep... that have taken hold.

I hate that I'm stubborn and that I have my pride. I miss you every fucking moment of my existence but as usual when you wound me it cuts deep and I won't just admit my feelings and sadness to you, I'll choose the hard way and only make contact in drunken moments or ones that matter. I want to randomly tell you I fucking miss you and see if matters but it's hard for me to do that when even after all these years you cast me aside. I kinda understand it, that's why I'm doing the things I'm doing right now, my silent action plan. But it still hurts.

Maybe one day we will find our way, maybe one day soon after I do something either epic or completely stupid, but that's me and the stubbornness and the pride, if it's gotta be you're way or the highway, I'll be the fork in the fucking road causing the truck to jackknife. I'm not going to ever choose the easy way. I'm going to do things the hard way.

Win or fucking lose,I'll know I stood on my own two feet when it comes to you.

Always.

.....and I'll always be there for you to. No matter how we feel about each other.

I'm just glad that whatever this is now, on my part there is no trace of anger or hate or war. I've made peace with all that. There is just something missing in my heart, something you've reawakened, I wish you hadn't. I wish I had not let you in. But I did... So this is where I stand... Too proud to tell you how I really feel, and I need a moment for the way I'm going to fight.

I love you and you hurt me, constantly. I don't know if it's just a game or if it's an indication of how deeply broken that we are that we cling to each other for security. I'll let you hurt me because whatever the hell this love is, it's the best thing I've ever known.

I just want you to be happy, I just wish it was with me.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Laugh Track.

  I want you in my life. Don't ever fucking confuse that for needing you in my life. Those two things are mutually exclusive to each other. I'm fine with my life and it's not my freind's and my social life that I'm jealous of. We both made our choices. My life has always been an insane carnival. You were merely an extended chapter. But if you think I'm going to sit at home being sad and depressed and shutting down because your not in my life. Your delusional. Then agian we already know this. If my life is going to be a sad comedy then I'll make it a metal massacre. I'm not sitting around waiting for anyone. The least of all you.  I sacrificed enough time on the altar of what might have been. I'm just enjoying the time that we have left. This way if it go out, it's on my own terms. I always told you that my funeral pyre will be a blaze of glory.. I just never told you when.  Now I'm gonna live and have adventures. Remain jealous. You know how ...
Post a Comment
Read more

51.

Happy birthday.  Hope you are happy and enjoying yourself. I like that we are civil and communicating but i also think you need to take some introspective time and decide the next step. I want you to be happy whether or not I am a part of your life. And i am trying very hard to be. Today, this weekend. I just want to talk to you, hear you laugh..maybe even see you smile. Thats all i want. For you to enjoy your day and hear happy Birthday from me and my son. Thats all you need..to know you are loved. Happy Birthday Baby. You are always loved. No matter what. Unconditional.
Post a Comment
Read more

Bad Man.

I am not a good man, I tell people straight out that I’m not a good person. I know I’m toxic. But I embrace being the villain and being the bad guy. Being feared is better than being loved because at least that way you respect me. When it comes to someone I care about and have a responsibility to, I will always choose them over others fucking bullshit and drama. This isn’t a choice. This is my life. Period. I live it every damn day. I’m not Making any other choices. I will always choose those that I care about over people that are merely in orbit in my life and if you give me a reason to fucking doubt you? I will give u a reason to fucking fear me.  I’m just fed up, my world doesn’t need complications. My peace and my piece of mind doesn’t need complications. I have enough of those I struggle against in my personal life. This is the end game, and the end times. I deserve to be fucking happy. No one is getting in the fucking way of that. Period. 
Post a Comment
Read more