Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

I want you and I love you, but at some fucking point it needs to have an ending and I need to step off this emotional rollercoaster. The subway stop it lands on or crashed into is all up to you at the moment however. But one day that may change. You know my preference for self destruction, it's almost as powerful as yours. Yet you are still standing here with and without me. That needs to change. You're reality is you hold the keys and the door to this. I have no fucking illusions that anything I do affects any of that except possibly your decisions. But I know that I control my own path and my own decisions. Always. I can't come over to you, you have to come over to me. You're just not ready yet.  I only move forward, I don't go back. I won't wait and I won't bother with anyone that doesn't want to 100% be in my fucking life, you, others... anyone. I feel bad for the argument we had on my birthday, but you just made things clearer in my mind when we

Don't think for one fucking moment I won't cut you out of my life in a fucking second if I feel like I'm being deceived. My trust level is low. And while you both have reasons to be in my life, only one I will allow to keep coming back. But my heart can grow cold and stay cold there too. Ten minutes, a day, a week, a year, ten years, twenty years, thirty years, it doesn't fucking matter. There is only one that I will allow to twist the knife and return and even at that I am losing fucking patience... I don't have the rest of my life to wait... and you're chaos doesn't get to affect my hard won peace, I have enough external battles to fight right now. I don't give a fucking damn who the hell you are. If you play games I will fucking ghost you like you don't exist if you give me a goddamn reason and I will never ever look back. I hate everyone and everything and when a little light comes into my light, the minute anyone plays games, I'm gone. I

The not knowing what the next move is, it bothers me. I'm trying to do the right thing but it's fucking sad life throws weird turns at me and I don't know in each moment what the right path is. I'm trying but I don't know where to go or what path to follow anymore. I thought I knew. Even after my life fell apart I thought I knew. Now I do not. There has to be something better than this. Maybe I should somehow make a big production and write that fucking letter.... Maybe I have a better idea and I should write you fucking off, like you have so many fucking times in my life. I am faced with indecision right now and my entire life is at a standstill, a few months ago I would have told you I was going somewhere, now, know the only thing I can tell you is that I don't give a fuck. Current Mood: IDGAF  Current Music: storm the sorrows, Epica

It works both ways. I forget people too. I don't look back because of the former status quo. All that leads back there is pain, save one instance.... And I will always be there for him. No matter what. But women, lost loves, my past? My future... None of that matters, I can always rewrite my destiny, I can always fucking move on. I can forget anyone if I tried hard enough. I leave pieces of myself everywhere, but the person I am in each moment isn't the same man as I once was. I change every time I move on. I get older. I get colder. I stop caring. And I will never look back. For anyone.  

Whatever the hell we are, it's honest, I'll Give you that. There's no true drama anymore. Except when you decide to create it. I can't tell when you're being honest with me or when you're being fake. You draw on all my fucking    emotions and expect me to be there to fucking    save you. I'm not that guy not anymore. You want to push me away forever. You're doing a great fucking job of. Any debts to you are done. We are paid in full. I'm not here to be yours anymore. Maybe one day we will fucking figure it out or maybe one day this downward spiral we both claim will fucking end. Till then I'm just fine chasing my own destiny and taking care of my responsibilities. You're choices are you're own. They are not mine but this constant betrayal is nothing new. It's a very old and constant friend. I'm used to it, I'm used to it from you. No illusions and no surprises there. I worked my ass off today with the intention of doing an

I am no longer torn, I know who my soulmate is, the decision isn't that, the decision is whether or not I want to choose to return to her and that life. I've never held any illusions about who I was supposed to be with even with the war and the hate, even all that some emotion and love remains after the flames in the embers, that should say something. No. It says everything. I just need to choose if I want it. I do know I want to have some Connection with them both in my life... I'm weighing all the options and trying to decide what the brightest path is instead of choosing the predictable and darkest path, because that's what I usually Do... But on this road to much precious blood has already been spilled, too much strife and pain... It's time to heal, it's time to figure out how to get there. That's all I want. That's all I need. That's all we need. It's ironic I spent a year with someone and it's not her I'm missing

I don't think I like this weird Cold War between us where it's off and on and there is no true resolution. I was happier when I considered you dead and gone. I was moving on with my life. Now as usual, I'm fucking standing still because you are still on the outskirts of my life and it's a sad fact I will have to accept that you always will be. I have an understanding now that you will never allow me to be anyone else and to be happy, because I'm always going to be you're final option and you're back up plan. That's fine. You're twenty-one years too fucking late however.

I planned this moment for the last sixteen years, and because of the virus and you're fucking behaviours    it didn't go as planned. I don't know where to go from here. I don't know the next step. I'm not good at keeping contact with people. My tried and true response is to fucking run. I can isolate myself from anyone and walk away. For once I don't want to, for once I have to be here... And that's the moment you choose to fade away... It's all about you,it's always going to be about you, you're needs. Not mine. There's no illusions or questions there. I just choose to try and fight agian, it's not like there is any else out there for me. You helped ruin that. It's not completely you're fault, but you did have a fucking hand in. Don't forgot that. I don't know why I'm considering moving back to niagara... There's nothing left here, there's nothing left in Windsor. The only good memories that are left are th

No one listens until it's far too late for things. I'm trying to figure things out in my life but the fact that it All falls on deaf ears most Of the fucking time? Support circle? Of lies maybe, it's only about what I can do for you lately, and if it's nothing then you are not there? Ok, I'm cool with that, I'm not here anyways.  I have other priorities. These last two years has proven a lot of my so called loyalties from other people To be false, and strengthened others. But it's real easy for me to see who is fake and who wants to fucking control me, neither of those things I want in my fucking life. Not anymore. If you can't be honest and solid to my face why the fuck do I want to bother with you, I'm used to knives in my back.. I'm also used to pullin the knife out and fighting with it. There is a lot of anger and regret in my life and not all of those circumstances I can control, but I will be damned if I or anyone that is

I don't get you're endgame. You've been a thorn in my side for much of the last 2 years,and basically cost me my last relationship. But when the big moment appears you push me away again. I know you're scared, I'm deathly afraid of you and what you can do. But the fact you have gone completely silent in a moment that actually matters is telling. It proves that anything you had to say in the last year was a game. As it always with you, to see how much damage you can do.  You just changed you're tactics because I was at peace with you and the court battle, so you went after my personal life instead, and the people that are/were in my life. You destroyed my last relationship. Thanks. You did a stupid thing this time tho. You gave me false hope that things might eventually go back to the way they were. Nope. Not going to be fooled. You decimated that idea 16 years ago. We are a family in name only. You never let me be there. Even when you needed me most. 

I don't chase, I won't Persue. This whole last little bit of detente might have accomplished nothing except to ruin the little happiness that I had. I should never trust the same fire not to burn me twice, but somehow I got caught up in it again, esp. once my world once again came down crumbling on me, maybe it was too much to expect that that was anything authentic about it.  I don't trust anyone anymore, I don't care any more. That's the truth. When I'm angry or in love I can write for days but when there is nothing, no emotion for anyone. Writers block. I am getting back to a point in my life where I no longer care about anyone because a certain individual that is the only constant in my adult life keeps playing games. I thought we had outgrew this and had an understanding. I guessed wrong. Thanks for nothing, I won't second guess the destruction you did with my last relationship, because I know the destruction you did with my entire life. Leopard

We are always going to be playing this game and in and out of each other's lives forever. I don't know if there's an endgame in place for you, there likely isn't. But I do see a queen to be captured or defeated on the other side of the board. I'm just not sure which one it is anymore. I captured you're heart once. Maybe I can do it again, maybe I don't want to. I have slowly come to the realization that we will be a part of each other's lives emotionally till the day one or both of us dies. This isn't just about sharing a child. Our relationship or lack thereof has destroyed a lot of good in both our lives, and has made being with any one else complicated. You and I are both haunted by the spectre of whatever the hell we were. I should have stayed in niagara in 2002, I should have stayed in niagara in 08... I should have been there in 2013. I wasn't. But these are choices that were made as counterpoint to you're actions. I'm sti

Just because there is forgiveness, doesn't mean I have forgotten what has been taken away and lost, you broke us, as a family, that was always on you, that was always you're choice. I think finally I am willing to move past it, and I think in this moment so are you, but I will never forget that it happened and how much precious time you took away from us both, you got those moments I did not, that's the frustrating part. When I needed to be there for him you didn't allow to be there, I shouldn't have been anywhere but by both of your sides... We need to fix whatever we were to be whatever we are, it's gonna take time, I hold no illusions to a happy ending not anymore.. I'm just trying To figure out my way in this world And if it includes you, I think it Might. Might. I have lived my life fast and loud and never answered to anyone for far too long, I know that I am larger than life... But I also know that moment might be ending because it's

I'm not sitting on our corner tonight either. Even though for the last nine months all I have done is drop hints that I would be. That's you're choice. You haven't given me a reason to there and I will only ever try this trick Once. You haven't earned it yet. Then agian I always expected this to take years, our deal spans generations, that's very clear, 2 decades already of whatever the hell we are. One day there will be an endgame. Maybe one day I will go home but we still aren't there yet. That's on you, the doors open for when you want it. Last year I had hope and patience and was expecting things to change. Now I know that things won't change until the moment you are ready, and yet somehow I'll still be standing here ready and waiting. However the grandstand moves are done for a little while, I can't put effort into pipe dreams. I will wait but I will do the things in my life that make my life almost whole. Because the truth is without

It's clear that I am both the same as the boy you loved and forever changed. My style may remain the same but it's tinged with the blackness you infected me with. A darkness that will never fade away. I will always be here and always you're dark shadow ready to answer that fucking phone call. I know who I am and who I fucking belong to. You feel the same way or you wouldn't be attempting to extort control. I don't change and I don't do control. But I also don't change my emotions easily. The ones I have for you span decades and haven't changed. You say I don't change, and you're goddamn it fucking right... I am the same person I al ways was and always will be... and at you're core if you asked yourself honestly, you'd agree that you don't want me any other way. I love you, I hate you... I'm always going to be there for you for a million myriad reasons. But I tire of this on and off chess game.