We are always going to be playing this game and in and out of each other's lives forever. I don't know if there's an endgame in place for you, there likely isn't. But I do see a queen to be captured or defeated on the other side of the board. I'm just not sure which one it is anymore. I captured you're heart once. Maybe I can do it again, maybe I don't want to.
I have slowly come to the realization that we will be a part of each other's lives emotionally till the day one or both of us dies. This isn't just about sharing a child. Our relationship or lack thereof has destroyed a lot of good in both our lives, and has made being with any one else complicated. You and I are both haunted by the spectre of whatever the hell we were.
I should have stayed in niagara in 2002, I should have stayed in niagara in 08... I should have been there in 2013. I wasn't. But these are choices that were made as counterpoint to you're actions. I'm still making choices as the dark answer to the things you do...
...sometimes to protect you and him, sometimes to protect myself. Maybe it's time for me to alter the chess board and make a game ending move, maybe not... What ever we are now... It's... Always going to affect us.
You're move.
I have no fucking faith that things will ever change, but you will always be there to run interference. It's too bad. You moved on and made the mistake and twenty years on I'm the one paying for the fact you made a mistake in you're choices.
I am done making my moves based on you're needs and whims. You spent the last year destroying the little I had without you with promises of something else. I don't need or trust that right now. You only want me when it suits you, so I gotta admit, I lose interest in seconds. I'm fine on my own and I'll find someone else, but it's fucking telling in this moment exactly what's up...
... And I do know exactly what's up. No illusions. I am no ones back up plan, I am no ones seconds choice when things go bad. This applies to you most of all. That's where we stand. That's where we are.
And this is why I don't give a fuck about you're bullshit promises, I never have. Because they are vapour trails, pipe dreams, worthless illusions. A dream that will never come true, a nightmare that already has, over and over, constantly.
You destroyed me, I'd be a fool to ever go back, I'd be a fool to ever think I still had meaning in your life. I'm never coming back, I'm never going home. Niagara stopped being my home a long time ago. I'm a fool to think otherwise.
I am not something that can be thrown away constantly and still be expected to be there when you want. I have a life, I have broken dreams still, some I'm trying to fix... Some that involve you, a lot that do not. I'm focused on the ones that don't right now, because maybe those I can fufill.
I don't question my motives, and I know what my moves on the board are always going to be. They are always going to be the counterpoint to whatever you do. Even when you do the unexpected. I'm the king of playing that game, don't forget. I will change the questions.
One day one of us will win this game and either a king or a queen will fall. I honestly hope you go first, because I don't think if I died you could handle the fact of my absense in you're life... Even at arms length, it's understood, I will always be a part of you, you'res to control.
The sad fact is that one day you will lose that control and you will no longer be able to manipulate me through my emotions for you and my son. The day is swiftly coming where I will no longer give a shit about you're games and manipulations. It's coming soon.
Knowing that you're still in love with me on some level actually explains some of the shit you've put us all thru. But it does not excuse the behaviour and all the games. There may be affection and forgiveness but I still haven't forgotten who and what you are... And why I will always be you're opposite number whether I'm with you or against you, it took two of us to create that lost little soul. My first and only priority is going to be him.
At the end of the day all you want is control over you're life and the ones you love...
Too bad nothing and no one controls me. Ever. I'm out of control always.
You've known me long enough to understand that.
So we will play this game of stalemate, until The End.
Current Mood: Sad
Current Music: Metallica, The Day That Never Comes.
Comments