Running To The Edge of The World.

I planned this moment for the last sixteen years, and because of the virus and you're fucking behaviours it didn't go as planned. I don't know where to go from here. I don't know the next step.

I'm not good at keeping contact with people. My tried and true response is to fucking run. I can isolate myself from anyone and walk away. For once I don't want to, for once I have to be here... And that's the moment you choose to fade away... It's all about you,it's always going to be about you, you're needs. Not mine. There's no illusions or questions there.

I just choose to try and fight agian, it's not like there is any else out there for me. You helped ruin that. It's not completely you're fault, but you did have a fucking hand in. Don't forgot that.

I don't know why I'm considering moving back to niagara... There's nothing left here, there's nothing left in Windsor. The only good memories that are left are the ones from the place that caused the most fucking pain. I just don't know what to think or do. Miss mindfuck has saw to that the last year. And there still are emotions, I'm not sure mine are there. But I'm not willing to constantly be played like a Ping pong ball.

I do know that the moments when I was most myself and most at peace were another lifetime ago. I didn't have the drama and bullshit that persists in my life in Hamilton I had in niagara. It was something more pure. I just had you and/or our son. It's worth some consideration going back to that. With or without you.

Every step since that has brought me pain. Some of which you caused. I mean what was the point of going to school when all it did as destroy me? I have nothing. I'm fine with that actually. At the end of the day we both know how I got here.

Some of the old emotion remains, but it is tempered by anger and hate. I have forgiven, I haven't forgotten. We need peace, especially if we are going to remain talking... But... I know exactly where I stand. I'm not against you, but my biggest interest is always going to be the well being of my son, and knowing that the both of you are safe. But I don't want to fight with you anymore, or against you.

So no more mind games... Or I'll fade the fuck away.

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

Franco Un-American.

I hate everyone. I just pretend I don’t because I’m chasing this false inner peace, thats being constantly eroded by outsiders. I am happy, I was at peace. But I do see my country and more importantly my city for what it’s for and I’m getting angry again. Maybe I do need to be angry. Maybe I do need to rebel. Maybe I do need to speak out despite the fact that it can be used against me and hurt those I love. Nothing fucking new to me. This apathy has gotten me nowhere, this trying to be at peace was working but maybe I need to be angry, maybe I need to rail agianst the things that once were right have now went wrong. This isn’t a world I want my child growing up in, and he’s grown. But this isn’t the world I promised him. This is something else. This city wants to pick a fight with me? Cool, I know what busybody bitch it is. Don’t think I will tolerate any threats to those that I care for or myself. You want to fucking start a war? Maybe it’s time for me to be angry again.

Someone Like You.

I know there are aspects of me, my personality and my life that you still like. It’s why you had my child and no one else’s. But I don’t colour within the lines enough for you to settle down with. That’s been acknowledged for two fucking decades. He’s an adult. I don’t need to answer to anyone anymore in my life. I wasted years fighting you when I should have been fixing you. But those moments are over. All of our moments are over. I don’t even need to be angry. I just need to be. You and I are toxic. I’m better off without you in my life. It’s a little less toxic when I’m the only one on the boat. Only the captain goes down with the ship. I’ve always known i would die alone anyhow. No family, no friend’s, no real accomplishments to my life. I wrote that line almost 30 years ago. Self fulfilling prophecy. At least that way when I implode no one gets hurts. I was a fool to think otherwise. I’ve left too much damage in my path. I just want to be happy and at peace whatev...

Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

Search This Blog