1000 Times Goodbye.

I want you and I love you, but at some fucking point it needs to have an ending and I need to step off this emotional rollercoaster. The subway stop it lands on or crashed into is all up to you at the moment however. But one day that may change.

You know my preference for self destruction, it's almost as powerful as yours. Yet you are still standing here with and without me. That needs to change.

You're reality is you hold the keys and the door to this. I have no fucking illusions that anything I do affects any of that except possibly your decisions. But I know that I control my own path and my own decisions. Always.

I can't come over to you, you have to come over to me. You're just not ready yet.

I only move forward, I don't go back. I won't wait and I won't bother with anyone that doesn't want to 100% be in my fucking life, you, others... anyone.

I feel bad for the argument we had on my birthday, but you just made things clearer in my mind when we had an argument about saying I love you. The fact I wasn't single and had someone else hollow telling me that she loved me after the first kiss yet is already gone is the reason I will fight you so passionately on shit. Because I do love you, I just don't like you very fucking much most of the time because if you're fucking actions, and I will never take a step back when it comes to dealing with you.

I will always face forward. And I will never apologize... even when I want to. And I don't expect you either.

You know I consider it a sign of weakness, stand you're ground or don't stand at all. Hollow apologies to the other person are just as hollow as fake I love you.

The problem is, our I love you to each other's aren't fake. And our arguments are The realest shit ever.

We fight and scratch and bleed with each other because there's more underneath. There always will be.

But I can't come to you, you have to come to me. That's always going to the line in the sand that's been drawn.

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

Franco Un-American.

I hate everyone. I just pretend I don’t because I’m chasing this false inner peace, thats being constantly eroded by outsiders. I am happy, I was at peace. But I do see my country and more importantly my city for what it’s for and I’m getting angry again. Maybe I do need to be angry. Maybe I do need to rebel. Maybe I do need to speak out despite the fact that it can be used against me and hurt those I love. Nothing fucking new to me. This apathy has gotten me nowhere, this trying to be at peace was working but maybe I need to be angry, maybe I need to rail agianst the things that once were right have now went wrong. This isn’t a world I want my child growing up in, and he’s grown. But this isn’t the world I promised him. This is something else. This city wants to pick a fight with me? Cool, I know what busybody bitch it is. Don’t think I will tolerate any threats to those that I care for or myself. You want to fucking start a war? Maybe it’s time for me to be angry again.

Someone Like You.

I know there are aspects of me, my personality and my life that you still like. It’s why you had my child and no one else’s. But I don’t colour within the lines enough for you to settle down with. That’s been acknowledged for two fucking decades. He’s an adult. I don’t need to answer to anyone anymore in my life. I wasted years fighting you when I should have been fixing you. But those moments are over. All of our moments are over. I don’t even need to be angry. I just need to be. You and I are toxic. I’m better off without you in my life. It’s a little less toxic when I’m the only one on the boat. Only the captain goes down with the ship. I’ve always known i would die alone anyhow. No family, no friend’s, no real accomplishments to my life. I wrote that line almost 30 years ago. Self fulfilling prophecy. At least that way when I implode no one gets hurts. I was a fool to think otherwise. I’ve left too much damage in my path. I just want to be happy and at peace whatev...

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