I am no longer torn, I know who my soulmate is, the decision isn't that, the decision is whether or not I want to choose to return to her and that life. I've never held any illusions about who I was supposed to be with even with the war and the hate, even all that some emotion and love remains after the flames in the embers, that should say something. No. It says everything.
I just need to choose if I want it. I do know I want to have some
Connection with them both in my life... I'm weighing all the options and trying to decide what the brightest path is instead of choosing the predictable and darkest path, because that's what I usually
Do... But on this road to much precious blood has already been spilled, too much strife and pain... It's time to heal, it's time to figure out how to get there. That's all I want. That's all I need. That's all we need.
It's ironic I spent a year with someone and it's not her I'm missing in this Black Plague pandemic, it's the one I had written off a decade and half ago, the one I have never stopped missing for some reason, it isn't just because she's the mother of my child, there is some other connection at a soul level there, there is only me and her throughout the anger and wars, under all that a borderline emotion, without a true epic love we would have never had whatever the last few years of war were. I'm done fighting, I'm done with my war... But I think that I'm not done with whatever these emotions are.
If you're my soulmate, be one. Prove it. I know that you are, but I also know that I don't know if I want to commit 100% once agian to someone who has constantly betrayed me, just because I may still love you... And that's a big fucking If, I don't know if I can ever trust you to be close agian, I'll get my answer one day soon when I look in your eyes and know your true fucking intentions.
The saddest part of this reality is there has only been one girl for a very long time.... No one else I ever dream about or think about, I haven't in forever. I knew we were meant to be together when we met, and I've always wondered why we embraced hell when we were apart... I hold no illusions to where we are going to end up, but I am starting to understand where we stand... Hopefully at the end of it, it's a good place.
I know making a rational and important decision takes time and i do not want to do it in a moment of hurt and anger... I have been thinking about it a long time, but I need to figure it out just a little bit more.
I am afraid, not of you, but of making the wrong choices because of how we still feel about each other.... I need to know that this is the right thing, the right moment, the fact I have spent the last few moments trying to figure out exactly where u stand and I do think the same thing I have always thought, that we are meant to be together. I guess I just had to wait for you to clue in.
Be my soulmate.... Or walk away agian. I can live with either. At least with me, you know exactly where I stand.
You are my soulmate, but I can live with the fact that our time has passed on, we got a beautiful son out of the deal, that validates what we had and were more than anything and that will never ever fucking change.
I haven't forgotten the career you took from me, or the giant unhealthy scar you made in all our lives. I just wonder if in this moment we can fix some of what's left. I have some serious fucking doubts. But I am sick of fighting with you, from now on I am trying to just fight for you, from the bottom of my broken soul.
I just want us to heal. I only see one way to do that. I want my family.
The fact you still make me happy just talking to you weighs a lot on my mind. It shows thru all the tragedy that there is still something there. I do know you are my soulmate, be one. Or don't. You're choice.
I just hope that our souls aren't too damaged to co exist.
I shouldn't stay awake nights wondering what you're doing and how you feel about me, I thought our time for that was done. Guess I was wrong. There is something missing in our lives. It's each other.
Two years ago you came back into my life, I don't know you're intentions, but I am sick of the fucking games. Either be with me or fuck off. I'm done fighting you, I've seen enough of the war. We've both lost too much as a result. I want peace. I'll find it with or without you. I promise you that. I thought I had it but you destroyed that.
Maybe there is something more, maybe we are just playing this game for all eternity, because that's all we are doing, playing.
You'll never commit and you'll always find ways to hurt me unless I'm yours.
I'm done playing you're fucking game. I hate myself that somewhere deep inside of me there's a part of me that truly does love for being my soulmate and the love of my life, and not just my sons mother. But that little bit of heart is long buried. You manage to make it come out but I can bury it agian, every fucking time you hurt me. Remember that.
You talk of family and trust, and of love.. And there is love, but I know neither one of us loves each other unconditionally, not really... For you there's always a price... And for me, I'm always going to pay it for you being the love of my life. I can't escape it, nor do I think anymore I want to.
You're always going to fucking win. No matter what. The one thing you love more than me is control.
You can't have that, ever. I value my individuality too much. I always will. I want you as my partner beside me. Not under my thumb, and defiantly not under yours.
I choose to be free, that will always be the choice, love me as I am or don't bother. That's always going to be the choice. I don't answer well to demands and I don't take fucking orders.
I know why we are broken and that is something that will never ever fucking change, but that's on me that's my fault and it was the Decision of a child not that man that I am now, I wasn't ready for whatever you needed me to be. I am too now, but it might be too late. I'm just sick of wandering in the darkness for too long... I'm still looking for you, or to replace you. It hasn't been working.
Nothing will ever be fixed till I look you in the eye and we have that conversation, but you're so damn afraid that it will probably never happen because you still have emotions. I can have that conversation because when it comes to you, good or bad, the emotions might still be there. But I can turn them off, like a faucet.
The fact we do still care about each other after all this speaks volumes. Every day it's something new.
I'm sick of being with other people.
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