No one listens until it's far too late for things. I'm trying to figure things out in my life but the fact that it
All falls on deaf ears most
Of the fucking time? Support circle? Of lies maybe, it's only about what I can do for you lately, and if it's nothing then you are not there? Ok, I'm cool with that, I'm not here anyways. I have other priorities.
These last two years has proven a lot of my so called loyalties from other people
To be false, and strengthened others. But it's real easy for me to see who is fake and who wants to fucking control me, neither of those things I want in my fucking life. Not anymore. If you can't be honest and solid to my face why the fuck do I want to bother with you, I'm used to knives in my back.. I'm also used to pullin the knife out and fighting with it.
There is a lot of anger and regret in my life and not all of those circumstances I can control, but I will be damned if I or anyone that is my blood are condemned for that, that honor is reserved for one... And he's not my blood. Nor do I carry or acknowledge the name. But please, make assumptions, make the emotions I once had for you either and die upon the vine, when you attack the wrong people I will and have taken a closer look at you're actions and chosen mine according. Expected right? That's why I'm at peace right now and as far as I'm concerned you're a corpse. Something already in my back pages forgotten. Just like the rest of them,
Anyone that doesn't get that even after all this there is still only one answer, one end game, the fact that I might be a little crazy, it's from missing my kid. Some people have recently shown themselves to their behaviours to only be on my side for lip service. I'm allowed to be angry, I'm allowed to have a grudge against her, and a grudge against the world. Everything has been taken away, I live in the dirt with fucking nothing, no matter how much I try to deny that fact and move on with my life. I don't need fucking lectures from false friends about how I should be living my life. I'll live and die by my own terms and my own way.
I know that I'm better angry and off the rails than accepting what has happened. As long as there is anger there is motivation. I need the anger. I need the emotion or I will break down into apathy.
I need to choose who I want and need in my life, and like always, it comes down to just one answer. And only one answer. My son. The rest of the world can go to hell.
I'm sick of being angry and I'm sick of fighting. There's not much in this world I'm willing to fight for anymore. I know the one thing I still will fight for however. Maybe this time a pen is mightier than the sword... Words as my weapons this time and I'll try to listen better.
I'm done being bitter.
I don't have to always like you're mother, in fact there are a lot of times I don't. But I do know regardless of any emotion I hold for her at the present time I will be always be there for you and her. That's a certainty, that's a promise. I will never ever let you go.
I have sat at the top of the falls a hundred times wondering why I'm still here, at least in my heart I have an answer. I know that there is enough darkness in you're innocent world, some of which I have caused. I'm not about to add my death by my own hand to the tally of things you have to deal with, if I have to go the hard way and he long way, at least you will respect the fact that I am still here. That I never backed down from the crushing weight of this world. I don't know how to do things the way way. Always the hard way. The world will have to ground me the fuck down and break the bones in my back. It will never break me. That's the one thing I still have to give. I will push back until the day comes when I no longer have that power. But that day, will always be on my own terms.
My end will not be.
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