Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

  I don’t know what you’re endgame is. But the fact that there is some selective silence to how and when we communicate with this one tells me you are up to something. I am trying to give us the summer we never had. But you’re own wants and needs and not his are more important. You wonder why the attitude? He is my son. He knows you speak to me. He watches you’re actions too. And given his role model I don’t doubt that he doesn’t like you either. I know he doesn’t respect you. I don’t trust you’re life, or you’re choices. And all I can do is be here when you fall. Even if you continue to betray and hurt me. One day I’ll pull the trigger and I’ll be gone. But till that day I remain. Waiting. Like you want.

The fact I feel that mentally I was more in control of my destiny in prison than I feel I have been for the last few years with you involved In it. This is a far worse prison inside my fucking head. I am sorry for    fucking always loving you. I am even more sorry for what I have to do for my mental health in the near future. It’s time to walk away. I’ll do my line In the sand this summer and then I’ll bail. There is one last big thing in me in December but that’s not for you. It will be for him. But I need to walk away. I gave you twenty years to figure out that you could never control me and instead you just continue to try and hurt me. I may hurt. But no one ever fucking controls me. That’s how it ends. I walk away. Free. I have no place or reason for any thing to be in any anger towards you. I don’t hate you. But when you behave like this and hurt me constantly, I just don’t like you. I’m sick of you’re false promises and manipulations, and the saddest fact is I don’t think you eve

You go around with these losers and wonder why I am always defensive and guarded and never truly let you back into my life? You lost the right and the priority to that when you betrayed me in 2003 and hid that which is most precious to me that year and the following. I should hate you and never look back, but I always do and I allow that little bit of love to be more important than the logic and the anger. But I know my fucking worth. And I know that I will be a better man than those that you wander the gutter with. Twenty two years on I shouldn’t t have to worry about who you have yourself and my son around. But of course, you’re my gutter queen. Where do you think you found me, on the streets... where you belong. One day you’ll stop slumming and realize you’re worth but for the moment I’m not letting you affect mine. I have a good life and I’m not constantly miserable like you are, and I don’t need the security of having somewhere to land and always be there for me the way you do. A

You betraying me again was expected. You keep twisting the knife. Should I expect anything less or anything more. Nope. This is the game you are playing. You and I will always be at fucking war. This is a given. You will always hurt me and I will always be fucking angry about it and I will feel betrayed. You win. You have earned my hatred again. That’s where we should stand. You hurting me is exactly what’s right in this world.  You need to look at you’re world and quit asking the world for sympathy when you’re crying. Everything wrong in you’re world save one moment with us, has always been you’re fault and you’re decision . But, of course I’m worthless and a throw away part of you’re life as you please.  Yet you always come back, I never have not in twenty years. There is a reason for that. I walked away. I didn’t fight for you. You are my heart and you fucking broke it for good when he was a baby. That’s why I never looked back and fought for you. Invited me home after you kicked me

I don’t trust you, and you lie to me and play games. That’s the true issue. I can be as transparent as fuck but until you are on the level with me, it’s never going to happen. That’s the truth and the last battle. You and I have been either in love with each other or at war with each other than longer than I can remember and I’m not exactly fucking sure where we stand anymore. I just know you put me thru hell and when I finally made it out of the darkness you came back and made my world an uncertainty. The only drama I allow in my life is you. Remember that. There are moments I don’t want to answer you. I don’t need you’re self created drama in my life especially when it’s about other fucking men. You know what’s waiting. You know what you should be doing. But I honestly doubt you will ever honour me correctly unless you truly lose everything and hit rock fucking bottom. The same way I had to realize you meant everything and nothing to me. I will always be here. But it will likely alwa

Without friends, no man would choose to live, though he had all other goods. I live large and I live my dreams because it’s all I know how to fucking do. Everything else to me is fucking failure. I’m gonna go till I’m done and I’m going to have a damn good time doing it. I just wish you, my true Queen was beside me to do it. That’s all I am fucking missing. I don’t need you in my life, I want you in my life. I tried to do a lot of big things involving you this summer leading up to something but it wasn’t ever good enough for you. Maybe next time. But I’m not sitting around waiting.  Not anymore. I have my freinds and I have my life. And it’s way better than whatever you consider your life. It’s sad you can’t figure yourself out but you cannot blame me for you’re failings. I’m gonna have fun and I’m going to live my life, without you. As I always have. You know what you’re missing. You know what you’ve taken away from us as a family. But I have people in my life, people that fucking mat

  We hang onto each other because of shared pain. It’s the devil we know. Each of us knows that the other is bad for us, but we are also the best thing that has happened to each other.  It’s better the devil you know, familiar pain, familiar hell. You can look into my eyes and know that as much as we have hated each other I will still always be there. You transfer you’re angers onto me because I have the arms of Atlas, and I’ll carry you’re world on my shoulders.    I’ll absorb all the pain for you, I always have.  You are the self destructive demon lately that I have always been and I’m here trying my best to hold on to you when you push me away, because as familiar as this pain is, it’s all I’ve ever known. And I’ve never blamed you for it. It is just the tragedy of our lives. At least if we had been together we could have fought it together. But we chose to fight each other. And that’s the beginning of all the familiar pain isn’t it?  We will live in this familiar hell until the mom

  Either I’m everything you blame when you’re in pain and dealing with issues that others have caused or in you’re fucking hero that’s going to save you that you fucking keep at arms length for some reason. You need to decide which one, I can’t keep hurting like this. I’ll always be here and I’ll always answer that damn phone but you scared me this morning. And as always I have no fucking answers. I just expect more of the same on this roller coaster this summer. That’s the price of unconditionally loving you I guess. But I think that is exactly what you need. Me to always be there. Till the end. No matter how much it fucking hurts me to be the back up plan you’ll never take. You made you’re choice a very long time ago and I continue to suffer for it, because you destroyed me and I know you regret it, and now you’re destroying yourself and you’re making me watch because I wasn’t there in the moment you needed me most.... always at arms length. My stomach and chest are twisting me apart

  For a long time all I had was the War. And while I remain undefeated it just ended and there was no resolution. There never will be. When the only plan was ever to attack there is no way that a warrior whose laid down his swords can ever truly find peace with the one he was fighting. It’s both possible to love and hate you’re enemy. I know that now. It shouldn’t hurt to feel this way when I’m waiting for you to make you’re final decision. And that’s what it is. Next time it’s going to be forever, and we both fucking no know it. And while one of us is ready the other isn’t. And that’s always the way it is isn’t it? I have changed. So have you. But the persons we are at our cores are still the same.  One thing that ultimately bothers me is that you never tried to fix us, it was always me. You just threw me away when you’re use for me was done. It’s still that way. You come and go in my life. I have my doubts things will ever fucking change yet I’m still the one that is fucking trying t

  Make no mistake, I still thinking about killing myself every single day. But that’s the cowards way out and every moment I lay breathing, that’s a victory. That’s proof to you that no matter what happens I will go on. I will be here whether or not on I’m needed or wanted. Because that’s who I am. You don’t always know the darkness that lays between these eyes. A lot of it I keep guarded from everyone. The reason you can’t deal with me, is I am you’re white knight in your life and when push comes to shove I chose to fight you for our sons safety. And you know it. You’re behaviour still sucks. Look at this latest guy. You have people beneath you around and you wonder why the two of you got hurt again and again. But those are your choices not mine. But one day there will be a reckoning and it won’t be me. I’m already seeing signs of it. One day I won’t be here, one day you will miss all these years we lost. Make no mistake I am constantly re-evaluating our lives and my place in it. The