Peace - that was the other name for home.
21 years ago I left you’re life for the first time, it should have been permanent. It would have saved the three of us a lot of pain. I wish I knew that you could be happier in you’re life with someone else. I don’t believe that’s true I think you are just going thru the motions because of all of the damage that you have done that you can never fucking fix... and no I am not talking about the destruction that you rained down upon me. Trust me, I’ve known where I stand for a very long fucking time. This isn’t about me.
I’m sick of you’re psychological games. I understand them and still let my fucking heart betray me everytime even over the logical thing of rejecting you. You just want the security of me constantly being here to catch you.
I’ll admit I failed, more than once when you needed me. But a lot of that was you’re doing.... and the saddest fact is that I have never been in a place where I needed you. And that includes prison. You might want to think about that for a moment before the next time you call and try and fuck with my emotions. You know how I feel, you have no right to constantly manipulate that for whatever ends. Probably just for attention when you’re lonely... but I’ll always be here. I’m not going anywhere. Even tho I’d like you. You are my family. You gave me my child. Even if I hated you, which I don’t. I would still answer that phone call, every fucking time.
Don’t confuse my apathy for not caring... it’s just easier to bury it and move on and pretend I don’t care. When all I do is fucking care. With my very soul. A soul you are part of. No matter how damaged we are, no matter how damaged it is.
I may love you, I may think the best possible option for happiness long term is us being together. But I don’t always have to like that option, and I don’t always have to like you. The gaslighting, the betrayals. All of that plays a part. You left me, I never left you. I never cheated. I never anything. You’re behaviours and you’re decisions. All of them affecting my life and my decisions. This is why I have the one thing I control that I think you want very badly.
..but you haven’t earned it yet.
I almost understand the self sabotage you do every summer. I have the same memories you do..and I know how much it fucking hurts.
If you wanted me in you’re life you would be. It would take nothing for you to drive here and come get me. You did it all the time when I was in Windsor. If this wasn’t anything more than a pipe dream for either one of us you would be in my arms any time you chose to. You proved that 2 years ago in October.
But you weren’t ready yet. Neither was I.
Now I don’t know if you ever will be. But I am.
For whatever that comes next.
And I’m sorry I didn’t fight for you more. You needed that. Especially when you were deliberately pushing me away. I should have stood my ground instead of letting you win. Wrong decision. Both of ours greatest regret.
I May get angry and bitter on you sometimes. And I have some major regrets in my life. But you are my favourite mistake.
We should have made a different decision then. We would have been happier and you would have been always safe in my arms. No matter what happened.
You still are.
21 years since I truly lost you and I still hurt.
And I still love you, always no matter what comes next. I’m always gonna be you’re true King and you are my Queen.
You need to remember that.
A lot of what you say doesn’t ring true except when you want it to, and you know why I choose to wait. Losing you again after fighting so hard to be with you would probably kill me, so instead I choose to wait because one day, just like you did to me, the switch will be flipped and you will be on the same page as me.
I already know you can’t live without me in you’re life. That fucking part is obvious. I’m just waiting for the invite.
I want to come home....
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